Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

ⲃⳙⲧⲧⲉⲅ⳨ⳑⲩ	By : Sessakag Category: Naruto > Het - Male/Female > Naruto/Hinata Views: 4852 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, just the story I write

Chapter List
- 11
- 12
Chapter Twelve
Just A Few Seconds

May 18, 2016
-

UzuRuto : dunno why im surprised lol knew u were gonna say that b4 I even asked. guess im gonna have 2 show u the ropes on this 2 huh?
How come she didn’t have to talk during presentation? All she did was crank the ornery while Uzumaki and Nara talked.
Well you know she doesn’t talk, Keiko, of course the guys were gonna have to pick up the slack. Must be nice to sit back, do next to nothing and still bag an easy A.
You sound kinda jealous, Nana.
Aren’t you? First big project of the year and all she had to do was look pretty, wind a crank, and let the rest of the group carry her across the finish line, of course I’m jealous, I’d kill to be in her shoes.
Flushing despite her current seclusion inside her bedroom, Hinata felt the subtle tingles of embarrassment pull her shoulders towards her ears. Bringing her knees tighter to her chest, and pressing her back to the simple wooden headboard of her bed, she typed back a single word.
HinaHina: Sorry.
As she stared at the bouncing dots signifying an incoming response from Naruto, Hinata couldn’t help but wonder if admitting her shortcomings would ever feel less awkward, or even better, if one day, she wouldn’t have to be led by the hand like a toddler through every ordinary experience in her life.
Not that she disliked Naruto helping her through them.
Not in the least.
In fact, Hinata looked forward to any and every experience he wanted to take her through, and deeply appreciated Naruto’s willingness to take on the role of ‘life tutor’ for her more than words alone could express, and she realized that he was just teasing her, it was just…she was still getting used to having someone there to help her when she found herself in a situation where she was ignorant, inexperienced or too traumatized to function as normal person would and was forced to depend on someone else to ‘pick up the slack’ for her deficiency. Today, in particular, her shortcomings were making her feel like she was doing something wrong by being the way she was. Like she needed to apologize for not being normal, for adding an undue burden on Naruto that someone that wasn’t torn up inside wouldn’t.
It made her feel a guilty.
…and needy.
She didn’t want to be a burden to him or anyone, and it bothered her to see him go the extra mile when she knew she wasn’t worth the effort.
UzuRuto: wat r u sorry for? not ur fault ur dad wuz a dick that didnt let u have any fun. so dont worry bout it ok? im only teasin ya know.
Even more mortified, Hinata barely managed to stop herself from typing out another apology.
She didn’t know why she sent the first one, knowing what he’d say in response to it. Not once had Naruto made her feel bad about her flaws, instead, he acted like they weren’t faults, like they weren’t this big, tedious annoying thing he was tired of dealing with.
Shoulders sagging, Hinata dropped her chin to the top of her knees, staring at his message as she tuned into the muck inside her head.
She knew why she felt so sensitive and burdensome right now.
Why she was feeling annoying and in the way, why she was stuck so deep in her self doubting thoughts and feelings, and it wasn’t just because of the whispers of her classmates.
She was…in a mood today.
A mood crafted and fueled by an accumulation of stress and activity, of ups and downs, of over stimulation and abrupt deflation, of good news, horrible news and everything in between that really, really began to eat away at her after the bomb attorney Shizune dropped in her lap last Friday evening.
She was off-centered by all the changes.
Today hadn’t helped her at all.
Chock full of disruptions in her ‘normal’ routine, Hinata hadn’t been able to reorient herself since Kurenai picked her up from school.
To someone who’s life was ruled and shaped by panic and anxiety, adhering to routine was important. It helped keep freakouts to a manageable minimum, and provided stable time-landmarks that she could anchor herself to from one moment to another.
Sharing the lunch table with Shikamaru had been both expected and unexpected.
Naruto had only told her right before homeroom started that he asked the other boy to sit with them so they could go over their script one last time before their assigned presentation was due, but even that warning hadn’t been soon enough to properly prep her nerves for the extra company. As Shikamaru sat down, Hinata couldn’t help but replay every minute of their interaction last Saturday, inwardly cringing over every blunder she’d made, humiliated all over again that Naruto had had to make up a nickname for his friend because she was too damaged to say his full name correctly. She’d been stuck in a state of hyper awareness that the person sitting across from her knew about her speech impediment, silently fearing what he might do with that information despite both boys assuring her that her worry was unfounded.
For the first few minutes, she hadn’t been able to say a word, unwilling to make an even bigger fool of herself than she had in the science lab, but, she’d wanted to ask a question about how to properly use a part of the orrery and to go over her cues to utilize the object. The last thing she wanted to do with the full attention of the classroom was mess up the only task she had.
It took her several tries to pull her eyes from the table, and even longer to try and pry her lips apart.
Naruto, like so many times before, had helped her.
Sensing her wavering desire to speak, his hand had found hers, his smile finally coaxing the stammering words from her lips, and though she hadn’t talked nearly as much as she would have had she been alone with Naruto, she did manage to choke out a few horribly butchered words and have something that sort of resembled the skeletal outline of a normal, albeit short, conversation with another teen her age.
It got a little easier when Naruto joined the conversation, but that interaction had cost her.
Still feeling a bit frayed and frazzled by her first, real , normal-girl socialization with someone other than Naruto, she’d gone into Sarutobi-sensei’s class with nerves that were a bit raw from that momentous milestone. She hadn’t had time to absorb it and calm herself before having to face the class in a way she hadn’t had to do since she was transfered to Ouran High, and unlike last time, she’d be spending more than the few seconds it took to introduce her to her fellow classmates in front of them. She would be expected to stand there for at least five minutes, pinned to the spot by twenty-nine pairs of eyes staring back at her.
The equivalent to meeting a firing squad head on without a blindfold.
If not for her being excluded from the verbal portion of their presentation, and Naruto strategically placing himself between her and the sea of teens in front of them as much as he could, allowing her to come up for air every once in a while, Hinata didn’t think she could have gotten through it, even with the help of the Clonazepam coursing through her veins.
Hinata didn’t like to be seen or heard.
Didn’t like to be in the conscious awareness of threats unknown.
It made her skin crawl and her insides knot painfully. She’d get that buzz of paranoia that someone or something was seconds from doing her harm and she hated feeling like that, hated tasting the bitter tang of fear in her mouth.
By the time the presentation was over, Hinata was a bundle of bad nerves and bone deep exhaustion.
And by the time six period ended and they were herded back to homeroom, Hinata had been well and truly out of steam.
The field trip had been a last minute curb ball she hadn’t expected at all, bringing new worry, new stress along with it. She couldn’t get out of there fast enough the moment they finished cleaning the classroom for the afternoon. Naruto had been out the door even faster than her, his club starting in just a few minutes, and with the meeting being directly on the opposite side of the building today, he hadn’t had time to spare for a quick word or more than hurried wave over his shoulder in her direction as he left.
Hinata had been a bit relived, however.
Maybe she was being conceited, but, she assumed he’d ask her if she planned on going on the trip.
She didn’t have an answer for him.
By early evening she was almost convinced he wouldn’t ask, that her assumption had been an exercise in an overinflated ego on her part, but then, Naruto’s message dinged her phone just as she finished her homework.
UzuRuto: u goin on the field trip right?
I’m not sure. Had been her reply.
His next question had come quickly, though as he said, he’d known the answer before asking.
UzuRuto: u never been on a field trip b4 have u?
And that led to where she was presently, another admission of something she’d never done, and now faced with the prospect of having to ask her guardian to sign her permission slip to go on a field trip next week when she hadn’t been able to find enough courage to ask for Kurenai for something as simple as her own set of art supplies four days ago.
Everything felt like it was moving so fast.
And she hadn’t had a chance to just…digest it all.
To sit and process all the changes and stimulation and interactions of her day, let alone the week. She was moderately overwrought, certainly nowhere near where she was after attorney Shizune’s visit, but coming off that traumatic experience, Hinata was feeling a bit more sensitive to stressors.
Her phone chirped and vibrated her hand.
She looked at the new line of text.
UzuRuto: seriously tho, i rly dnt give a shit u havent been on a school trip or whatever else u didnt get to do. and if I dont give a shit u sure as shit shouldnt either. i prolly sound like dumbass shika but its really not a big deal. so relax ok? and stop saying sorry. i like showin u new shit anyway.
Naruto-flutters broke out in her stomach as she typed back with cheeks touched with lava.
HinaHina: Okay
UzuRuto: gonna be fun showing u all the cool shit when we get there. been there like a million times.
Anxiety reared its ugly head once again even as tentative excitement tapped her pulse.
Hinata wasn’t sure if she wanted to go, or rather, she didn’t know if she should.
Taking a field trip to an unknown place and traveling on a bus for the first time in her life with twenty-nine other classmates she didn’t feel comfortable around, felt like a huge step to her right now. Just thinking about everything she’d have to do to get there, all the things that would be so far out of her control when she did get there, it was enough to break her out in stress-hives.
Her phone dinged with lines of high energy texts, each sentence more convincing than the last. She read with wide eyes as Naruto detailed everything he planned to show her, all the amazing sounding attractions she couldn’t even begin to imagine.
She wanted to see the things he told her about, to experience it for herself but…
She was afraid to go.
Worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, Hinata’s fingers hovered over the keypad, her pulse racing.
She was scared…
And yet…
HinaHina: I’ll ask my guardian if I can go.
She stared at the damning words, immediately wanting to call them back, to delete them before he could read them, though, she knew she couldn’t.
Not just because she had no idea how to delete her texts.
Naruto had already replied to her.
UzuRuto: cool lemme know when u kno 4 sure.
Feeling decidedly ill, Hinata fumbled the phone between her trembling thumbs, the nervous twitching shifting the device left to right and back again as though the action would ease the uncomfortable knots in her stomach.
While she stewed in a quagmire of her own making, Naruto was already moving on to the next topic of conversation.
UzuRuto: u get a chance 2 start warped last night? didnt hav time 2 ask 2day cuz of the shit we had goin on wit the project.
Struggling to shift gears, Hinata dragged memories of the night before to the forefront of her panicking mind, finding herself increasingly grateful for the distraction as the show became clearer in her head.
She had watched Warped last night, though she hadn’t really wanted to at first.
Warped was an action anime about a group of teens training to become the next generation of crime fighting magic wielders by training their natural born, magical powers. Naruto talked about the show endlessly, saying that the whole series was ‘hype’ and that the fight scenes were ‘badass’.
She’d initially gotten hung up on the word ‘fight’.
Violence, even when it wasn’t directed at her, terrified her.
Luckily, since her rescue, Hinata hadn’t been involved or near anything worse than loud voices, like in the science lab when Naruto scared her to death shouting at Shikamaru, and she could only hope moments like that weren’t common around Naruto.
Violence hadn’t touched her in a while, and she wanted to keep it that way as long as possible.
The show itself had quite a few fights.
Cartoon violence wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be, though, when she first started watching, she’d been so wound up by her run away imagination that the first lead up to a fight had kept her anxiety so high she’d been ready to cover her ears and close her eyes if things got too intense. Fortunately for her, much of the combat and skirmishes defied the laws of physic and sometimes so exaggerated, so silly she couldn’t relate or internalize those moments of what were undeniably scenes of brutality with her own traumatic past…which kind of threw her off.
Whether 2D or 3D, physical fighting should have sent her cowering in a corner, but…
It hadn’t.
Not really.
The whole experience was a bit strange and oddly exhilarating.
After her pulse settled to a tempo that was somewhat normal, Hinata found the show very engrossing and, surprisingly, was learning so much about being a teenager despite the main cast being anything but average teens. They still went to school just like her, and hung out as normal high schoolers unlike her, they even had dreams of their own other than saving the world, something even she didn’t really have at the moment. They struggled quite often, with life and the consequences of their unique abilities, but supported each other in that amazing way Hinata had only ever seen behind the screen of a television, and while that was nothing new for her, what was new was her feelings upon seeing it.
Being so close to having an actual friend in Naruto, getting a chance to taste first hand what it was like to have a supporting relationship she could lean on when she struggled, Hinata couldn’t help but yearn, for a singular moment , to have more pillars just like Naruto.
To have her own circle of super close friends that laughed and smiled and hugged and had fun like they did in Warped.
That foolish longing died shortly after its conception.
Leaving her feeling stupid for nursing it, even for a moment, in the first place.
The truth was, Hinata had never laughed or smiled that she could remember, and she honestly didn’t know how to do either. Kurenai told her once that smiling and laughter came naturally when a person’s heart was so full of joy it overflowed.
Hinata couldn’t even begin to imagine what that would feel like.
Or what could bring her that much joy.
And yet, when she contemplated it a bit longer, Naruto’s bright smile flashed through her mind.
And then, well, then she got the Naruto-flutters really bad, and her hand tingled as though wrapped in the warmth of his again.
Which only served to highlight one of her biggest roadblocks.
Physical contact.
It made her skin crawl.
Her therapist said it was because she’d had so little positive human contact she’d come to associate normal contact with the promise of pain and impending danger, that these associations were so deeply ingrained in her psyche that her body naturally manifested an aversion to touch as a defense mechanism.
That she’d have to unlearn and replace that instinctual response with one that was healthy .
Hinata had had a breakthrough with Naruto last weekend, however, her tolerance for contact was nowhere near hugging level, not even with the whisker faced teen. The very thought brought on the Naruto-flutters worse than ever before, leaving her head so fuzzy, so floaty she feared she might actually faint if she ever found herself in his arms.
She hadn’t been able to ruminate on it longer that a few heart pounding moments.
Instead, she’d quelled her flustered mind with the final barrier to an idyllic teen life like Warped.
Something so simple a child could do it.
Having fun.
It went without saying that Hinata had already proven herself woeful unskilled in that department.
So much so, she had to study an anime and depend on Naruto to show her how to do it.
Faced with these unique, mountain sized hurdles standing between her and Warped’s portrayal of a happy friend circle, Hinata was forced to acknowledge that her momentary desire for a similar group was not just humiliatingly silly and painfully pathetic, it was completely unattainable, especially for someone as damaged as her.
She’d felt guilty following that harsh reality check, and shamefully ungrateful for wanting more than she had now.
Food. Water. Shelter.
The basics of survival.
That was all she truly needed, all she should expect from life.
Fundamentally, she knew that.
And she had those three pillars right now, and so much more than she ever thought she’d have.
She lived far away from the clutches of her family, slept in a room three times as big as her attic and warm at night, she was free to roam outside the four walls without needing permission, and most importantly, she spent her days completely un-abused despite her consistent fear that she was merely coasting on a temporary reprieve. She was fed daily, more than once, with more food than she had ever eaten in one sitting in the care of her father.
These were luxuries she should appreciate, extra privileges she should get on her knees and thank the universe for because she hadn’t always had them, and was lucky , oh so lucky to have them at all, let alone for as long as she’d had them.
Wanting more than the extravagant comforts she had was the height of avarice, indicative of the selfishness and ungratefulness father had tried to beat out of her, and when she thought about how thankful she used to be for something as simple as finding a stale chicken nugget in the back of the fridge to soothe the unbearable pain of her empty belly, or how grateful she was when she went more than a few weeks without adding new bruises and injuries to the ones still healing on her body, she couldn’t help comparing herself to then and now, couldn’t help but think that maybe…maybe father had been right about her, maybe he had seen something in her that she was only beginning to see in herself.
Inside her lived a greedy, self absorbed parasite that would never be satisfied with anything.
Always wanting more than she had.
Like a glutenous leech that would never be-
UzuRuto: dnt worry if u missed it. most of it was recap anyway.
Dragged from the tar-like muck of her thoughts, Hinata forced her attention back to their LINE discussion, hurriedly recalling the conversation she’d checked out of.
She watched the recap quite closely last night, hoping to fill in the gaps from past episodes she missed and get a better understanding of the plot so she could piece together the significance of the new events that unfolded towards the middle and end of the thirty minute episode.
HinaHina: I watched the whole thing but I’m still not completely sure what’s happening.
UzuRuto: want me to blow ur phone up explanin it or I can tell u at school 2morrow
Hinata enjoyed hearing him talk about his favorite show in person, he got so passionate and animated, his bright blue eyes fixed solely on her, making her Naruto-flutters buzz nearly constantly as he painted a vivid picture in her head.
HinaHina: Tomorrow. If you don’t mind.
UzuRuto: hell no i dont mind. u kno i never shut up abt that show. by the way, now tht u kno the whole crew, whos ur fav?
She thought a moment, though not long. She was still getting to know the characters, though, in the recap, one teen had stood out to her more than the others, someone that many people probably wouldn’t enjoy as much as the other ‘cooler’ teens.
HinaHina: I think Boruto is very cool.
UzuRuto: fuckin’ finally!!! Ur like the only person I kno that likes him! ppl give him shit because hes ass right now and okay, yeah he does get his ass handed to him more than anybody else but hes the underdog! hes spposed 2 get mopped up for a while. it’ll make him more badass when he gets his power under control! hes gonna be the best by the end of the show. nobody that busts their ass like that stays at the bottom!
Warmth spread in the vicinity of her heart, filling it with a dull ache that didn’t hurt.
She felt the same way about Boruto.
He never stayed down long, no matter what was thrown at him, and he was so bright and sunny, he reminded her a lot of Naruto.
UzuRuto: ma says i remind her of dad when she was pregnant with me and dad wuz goin on n on about a character called naruto in a book my godfather wrote called tales of a gutsy ninja. im guessin u can see how that turned out.
She blinked at that, typing back fairly quickly in her surprise.
HinaHina: Your dad named you after the character of the book?
UzuRuto: yeah lol pretty crazy huh. ma says i talk about boruto so much ill probably name my first son after that him like dad did me. not outta the question. boruto's fuckin awesome. y wouldnt I want my kid to have a badass name like that. fuckin bonus since it sounds a hell of a lot like my name. maybe its destiny or some shit idk. anyway let me text u in a little bit. gonna get some grub wit the guys. message me if ur guardian lets u go on the trip
She swallowed at the reminder of the trip, but replied.
HinaHina: Okay, I will. Have a good time, Naruto-kun.
Setting her phone down, Hinata reached for the paper resting on the bed next to her. Nausea touched the back of her throat, her clammy hands leaving faint imprints of her finger tips on the starchy white paper.
She sucked in a breath, exhaling shakily as she stared down at the paper as though it were a bomb.
She could do this.
Kurenai said that she could ask her for anything…
That it was okay to, that she didn’t have to be afraid to speak up…and…she wanted to go.
She wanted to experience her first field trip with Naruto.
-
“The planetarium?”
Nodding, Hinata squeezed her hands together beneath the dinner table, cringing inside as her guardian read through the words on the paper she’d brought down with her. Her hands felt like sweaty ice blocks, her stomach tied in so many knots of sick she was afraid the scent of her dinner would trigger an involuntary projectile evacuation of the bitter taste waiting in the back of her throat.
She couldn’t breathe.
Couldn’t move.
Fearing either one would finally unleash the wrath she secretly feared Kurenai hid behind her smile.
Auntie Suzume could smile just as ‘sweet’ as Kurenai could, and while she was shorter, smaller than her current guardian, auntie Suzume could hurt her just as bad, just as much as father did.
Absolute stillness was the way she’d learn to survive Auntie Suzume.
Uncoordinated movement, obnoxious sounds would always set her off.
‘ You’re breathing too loud dear, it’s starting to annoy me. ’
‘ Ladies sit still at the table, Hinata, and if you cannot manage that, perhaps I should go and get the teaching rod to help you? ’
Hinata swallowed again, feeling decidedly ill as the hissed threats replayed in her head.
Auntie Suzume had looked for reasons to hurt her, then she’d hurt her more for making her behave in a manner that was ‘unladylike’ and ‘unbecoming of a Hyuuga woman’ of her station. Outward appearances, aristocratic airs, staunch manners and disciplined movements of one’s body at all times were core mannerisms that were vitally important to her aunt, and any deviation from her rigid mandates of how a Hyuuga, especially a Hyuuga woman, were to conduct themselves sent Auntie Suzume lashing out in a frighteningly chilled, savagely calculated rage.
With their seemingly ‘sweet’ smiles so much alike, their gently spoken tone and self composure aligned so closely, it was difficult for Hinata not to see Auntie Suzume lying in wait beneath Kurenai’s skin. Difficult for her not to brace herself in the off chance that she awakened a sleeping beast by asking for more when she already had more than she needed.
Suffice to say, Auntie Suzume didn’t like her asking for anything any more than father did.
Asking, when Hinata did it, was akin to a lowbred commoner begging for crumbs.
Selfish and greedy when she had food and a place to sleep.
Her nails dug into her skin as Kurenai continued her silent read through the form, the quiet like pin needles against her skin.
This was far harder than she imagined, and while her interaction with Naruto had given her just enough of a boost to risk being right about her secret fear, that boost quickly deflated the moment she handed that paper to the woman that held her wellbeing, her safety in her hands.
Hinata swallowed hard, her grip tightening until her nails dug into her skin as the sound seemed to echo in her ears.
Too loud…
It was too loud in the hushed little dining room.
Waves of stress blasted her from all sides, the force nearly unbearable as she waited for brutality.
Regret was a bitter pill to swallow, and right now, she was choking on it. It was stupid, so, so stupid of her to risk her safety, her freedom, her health and wellbeing asking to go on a school field trip. She never should have handed her guardian that paper, never should have fixed her mouth to ask for more than she already had.
Never should have asked if she could-
“Of course you can go, Hinata,” Kurenai announced, her gentle voice startling the poor girl to death.
Sucking in the breath she hadn’t been able to pull into her constricted lungs, Hinata’s eyes snapped to the woman smiling softly, encouragingly back at her.
Not a hint of a sneer on her lips.
Nor a cold hard gleam in her eyes.
Sick with relief, wilting in her seat, Hinata exhaled shakily as her eyes dipped to her plate. She pressed her lips together in an effort to silence the telltale sign of an impromptu fight or flight response, voicelessly willing her heart to lower the volume of it’s pounding drum in her ears.
“Hinata.”
Embarrassed, knowing Kurenai was aware of her mini meltdown by the softening of her voice, like she was coaxing a poor, abused animal from it’s corner, Hinata looked up, but set her gaze on the older woman’s right shoulder.
She cringed inside at the cowardly move, but she was grateful her guardian didn’t comment on it.
She didn’t have it in her to maintain eye contact right now.
Setting the paper down, Kurenai shifted in her peripheral, leaning across the table a bit, her hand coming into view as it extended towards the overwrought teen, though, blessedly, out of range to make physical contact.
Auntie Suzume used to do that.
Reach across the table and touch her.
Wrap her manicure tipped fingers around hers and squeeze until Hinata feared her fingers would snap…
“-you how happy I am seeing you make friends and even wanting to take part in a field trip,” Kurenai said, her tone a bit elevated, purposely dragging Hinata from a trip down trauma lane, “it’s a wonderful step forward. You’ve come such a long way, and I couldn’t be more proud of you, sweetheart.”
Still unhurt, still un-abused, Hinata couldn’t help but peek at the woman.
Gentle scarlet colored eyes found hers, shining with an earnestness Hinata…wanted to believe.
Or perhaps…already believed on some level.
There was a small, very small warmth in her chest, something she usually felt when Naruto said something nice to her, though, it was leagues different, detached from a physical response of any kind. Sort of like a dulled echo of that happy feeling Naruto gave her, but her tummy was devoid of anything like the Naruto-flutters that usually came with this feeling.
She was puzzled by that.
She didn’t have much time to think it over as her guardian spoke up again.
Kurenai’s smile waned a bit as she added, very carefully, “it’s just…I’m a bit concerned. It gets very dark in the planetarium, and I want to make sure you’ll be okay considering…”
Kurenai left the sentence unfinished, but it hung between them in the uncomfortable silence that followed, sucking all the oxygen from the room, suffocating them both.
“Hinata…” Kurenai murmured, that softness threading her voice again.
Humiliation burned like fire, lighting up her cheeks and it took everything in her not to bury her face in the safety of her hands. Fingers digging deeper into her skin , Hinata dropped her eyes to her plate, sightlessly staring at the delicious food she couldn’t imagine consuming as she finished Kurenai’s sentence in her head.
‘ Considering you’re nearly eighteen years old and still sleep with a night light. ’
Her fear of the dark, of both confined spaces and darkness, were an enduring plague Hinata hadn’t been able to treat let alone cure.
Years later, it remained in the top three of her most crippling conditions.
“I’m not trying to discourage you, honey,” Kurenai followed quickly, “if you feel like you can handle it, then absolutely go on this trip, I want you to have this experience. I want you to enjoy your high school year, and even if you’re not completely sure, I encourage you to test your boundaries and see if you can expand them a bit further, and I know you can do it. I believe in you. You’ve come so far already, done so well in school despite your challenges, and there’s no doubt in my mind you can go so much further. I just want to make sure you’re as prepared as you possibly can be to face any new or unexpected challenges on this trip, and that is the only reason I brought up your challenges with darkness.”
Short of bringing her night light with her or somehow purging herself of nearly seventeen years of trauma, Hinata didn’t think there was anything she could do to ‘prepare’ herself for unexpected ‘challenges’ lying in wait at the planetarium.
If there were a land mine of triggers on this trip, Hinata would step on every single one of them even if she knew their exact position and proximity.
Instincts, honed beneath the iron fist of Hiashi Hyuuga, responded faster than conscious thought.
She was hardwired to freakout first and ask questions later.
“Sleep on it tonight, and if you still want to go, I’ll the sign the permission slip for you,” Kurenai suggested, her smile once again encouraging and kindly.
Hinata nodded dejectedly, not trusting herself to speak.
“Please, don’t be discouraged, wanting to go on this trip is a good thing, it’s progress, and a sign of healing. Whether you go or not, be proud of the fact that you wanted to at all, and know this, if you’re ready for this, if you do decide to go, know that I’m only a phone call away. If you start to feel like it’s too much, if you want to leave early for any reason at all, just call me and I promise, I’ll come and get you right away, no questions asked.”
Though she wasn’t one to trust the words of most, and though she still had her reservations about Kurenai herself, Hinata felt…comforted by that promise.
-
HinaHina: I can go on the school trip.
UzuRuto: cool. can't wait.
HinaHina: But I don’t know if I can go.
UzuRuto: ?
Her fingers hovered over the keypad. The words ‘I don’t know if I can go because I’m afraid of the dark’ refusing to make their way onto the open message thread.
HinaHina: Kurenai-san says its really dark there?
UzuRuto: well yeah sometimes it is. for some of the stuff like the dome projector thing i told u about.
HinaHina: Oh, I see.
UzuRuto: y?
Heart tapping her ribcage, embarrassment staining her cheeks, Hinata reluctantly typed out the first few words of her shameful confession.
HinaHina: Because dark places make me
Scared. Terrified. Petrified.
She paused on the unsent message, racking her brain for a word she could add that wouldn’t make her sound like an absolute coward. Words that accurately depicted the cold hard fear that wrapped its fingers around her throat when the lights went out.
But.
What she typed was-
HinaHina: Because dark places make me nervous.
Staring down at what was at best, a gross understatement of the facts and at worse, a bald faced lie, Hinata cringed as she hit send, guilt like an insistent tap on her shoulder as she watched the dots bounce on her phone.
UzuRuto: nervous? like u get scared?
Taking her lower lip between her teeth, Hinata latched onto the opportunity to tell the truth, hoping he wouldn’t be as repulsed by her silly phobia as her family was.
HinaHina: Yes.
She regretted it immediately, fingers fumbling as she hurriedly started typing, wishing again that she knew how to delete a message.
Father had been telling her since she was four that she was too old to be scared of the dark.
HinaHina: I know thats bad, that I’m too old to be scared of the dark and that I shouldn’t
His response hit her phone before she could finish typing the admonishment of her childish fear she was certain he had been in the process of sending to her.
UzuRuto: thats ok. i can hold ur hand if it gets 2 dark if u want.
She stilled, staring down at the words, lips parting as she read them over again.
It wasn’t what she expected him to say, for anybody to say to a girl her age admitting to something so ridiculous, and it washed over with the same force of his casual dismissal of her disgraceful stuttering.
She was taken back in time to that table in the library, sitting across from him on the verge of tears, cringing with certainty that he would echo the words of her father, that disgust and scorn would replace the compassionate kindness she had always associated with the boy, now a burgeoning adult, that she met in the woods a lifetime ago.
That his repudiation would shatter what was left of her fragile will to keep moving forward in this life she didn’t know what to do with.
The shocking warmth of his response back then found her now, spreading throughout her chest like a soothing balm, wrapping her heart in the same bright radiance that clung to him, the radiance that shined brighter than the sun above.
But that was nothing compared to the memory of his hand on hers.
Of that ‘safety’ feeling she experienced when he held her hand in the science lab.
Naruto-flutters swirl to life, so frenzied and strong she couldn’t help but press her hand against the softness of her stomach, Kurenai’s words filling her ears.
‘ Safety? Safety feels like being surrounded by your troubles but somehow knowing they can’t get to you. ’
At the planetarium, she’d be surrounded by her fear but…
UzuRuto: i mean, if it’ll get u thru it. dad always says the only way to get over ur fear is 2 go tru it. besides its not dark 4 long few seconds at the most.
A few seconds in the dark…with Naruto’s hand as her shield.
Could she…hang in there for a few seconds?
UzuRuto: and dont say sorry again lol its not like i aint held ur hand b4. didnt bother me then wont bother me on the field trip so save it hyuga. im not interested.
Attached was the thing he called a gif depicting a silly fox character, fists on wiggling hips, sticking its tongue out at her as it danced on her screen.
Hinata stared at the teasing message aiming to nip her guilt ridden message in the bud. Her wide moonstone eyes blinked once, then twice as an unfamiliar pressure tugged briefly at the corners of her lips and the flash of a foreign flutter ghosted through her stomach.
It wasn’t a Naruto-flutter at all.
More like that happy feeling she got sometimes but different than that too.
Light and a little jolting?
Like the strange tiggling feeling she got when she accidentally ran her fingers along the bottom of her foot putting on socks.
Unsettled, she pressed her fingertips to a corner, feeling around for the strange, involuntary spasmodic pressure that touched her mouth.
UzuRuto: seriously tho, if u really wanna go i'll back ya up.
She knew before she started typing what her answer was.
HinaHina: Okay
-
Remote in hand, Hinata aimed it at the end credits of the late night sitcom she’d put on for background noise, and hit the power button.
The television winked off, throwing the room into silence.
Dread crept from the shadows of her trauma and made a home in the pit of her stomach.
She inhaled, then exhaled shakily.
Turning her gaze to her computer desk, Hinata dipped her eyes to the light shining from the socket beside it. Bright and steady, comforting and reassuring, her night light quietly mocked her.
The only way over it is through it.
Rising gingerly from her bed, Hinata walked with the weary, reluctant gait of a condemned prisoner headed for the gallows, deaf to everything but the erratic pounding of her pulse against her ear drums.
The world around her felt slowed to a crawl.
Every step she made robotic and surreal.
She was on a slow roll towards a meltdown, fighting against gravity to remain uphill.
Kneeling in front of it, she held out her hand to the tiny little square switch on the curved side of its lotus shape.
Her sweaty hand shook as she flipped it down, then stared sightlessly as the lotus light faded.
She swallowed the taste of terror in her throat, struggling not to burst into tears, to not turn it back on.
Instead, she stood on shak legs, her even breaths growing quick and choppy as she retraced her steps back to bed.
She climbed in, spread the covers across her lap, then stared at her night light.
Telling herself that it was okay.
That she could do this.
That she had to see if she could go through it.
Shimmying down, Hinata lay flat on her back, head cushioned on her pillow, lungs toeing the line of hyperventilation as she reached for the pull string of the only source of light in her room at the moment, her bedside lamp.
She didn’t remember pulling the chain, but she heard it like a gunshot in her ears.
They came after her the moment she heard the click.
The memories that ate away at her sanity, the fear that ate away at her soul.
She was catapulted back in time, feeling…
…the piercing pain of her fathers fingers fisted in her hair, the burning friction against her bruised legs as she was dragged across carpet. Her mind descending into madness as her dirty bare feet slipped and squeaked across the polished tile of the kitchen floor, knowing where they were going, how close she was to the abyss, that there was nothing she could do to stop what was about to happen even as she begged, cried and pleaded.
‘I’ll be good this time I promise! I promise! I promise! Please don’t put me in the dark place!
She wouldn’t feel the deep throbbing agony of her legs bagging down the hard wooden basement stairs until hours later, long after she’d screamed herself hoarse inside the endless void of darkness.
Not even the bone jarring, final impact of her frail body colliding with the hard, filthy ground courtesy of father’s none too gentle shove down the final three steps would register.
Only the silhouette of her father, outlined by the bright florescence of the kitchen lights, storming back up the stairs faster than she could peel her face from the hard floor and crawl after him, could pierce the chaotic panic of her terrified mind.
‘Please don’t leave me down here! Please!’
Dragging herself up the wooden plank, splinters finding refuge beneath her skin, Hinata could only stare desperately into the hate filled eyes glaring down at her as the door creaked closed, the vanishing light a slow torture worse than any beating she’d ever endured.
‘Please don’t leave me here father I’m scared!’
She banged on the door until her hands bled, until she felt as though she’d shattered every bone in them.
Screamed until her throat was raw, until her lungs burned.
Plastering her shivering body to the door until father opened it and dislodged her, his shiny, expensive loafers bringing a new ache to her body as he sent her tumbling back down the stairs.
She wouldn’t get up again.
Too tired, too hurt to move.
Whimpering in the darkness, the squeak of rats buzzing around her.
Their warm bodies crawling over her legs and feet, what felt like millions of claw tipped feet all over her body, the nip of their teeth painful on her bare toes and matted hair-
Launching from her safety nook, Hinata fumbled for the pull string of her lamp, rocking her night stand violently in her haste. She wrapped her shaking arms around the entire lamp as it wobbled in a desperate bid to stop it from toppling over. Yanking forcefully at the string, Hinata wept with relief as light flooded her room.
Shaking uncontrollably, sweating cold terror, Hinata scrambled to the side of her bed as her stomach knotted then lurched violently.
She swept up the little cylinder shaped plastic container beside her night stand.
Heaving over the shiny white waste basket until she finally giving in to the urge to vomit she’d been fighting all day. Tears traced her cheeks as her stomach contracted painful, expelling the small bites of food she managed to choke down at dinner.
She felt raw in the aftermath.
Hallowed, sad, and defeated.
Trembling as she sat the waste basket down and away from her, Hinata let her throbbing eyes slide closed, exhaling shakily, eyelids burning as a wave of fresh moisture flooded behind them.
She pressed quaking, clammy palms to her dampening lids, as though that alone could stem the coming tide.
Like everything in her life, she was helpless to stop it.
Her clammy palms shifted to her mouth, pressing tight against her lips in a bid to muffle the hitched sobs squeezing painfully from her throat.
She cried until her head hurt.
Until she was too tired to sit up anymore.
She gave in, melting back into her bed on her side, staring at the wastebasket containing the disgusting remnants of her failure.
A few seconds of darkness…
Just a few seconds.
The only way over it is through it.
Hinata didn’t think she could go through it…
…even with Naruto at her side.
¸*´¨`*•.¸｡ପଓ +.*¸*´¨`*•.¸｡¸ପଓ +.*¸*´¨`*•.¸｡¸*
Laters!
Sessakag~
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