Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

Firsts
By : djserani
Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male
Views: 1305 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto! I make no money off of this!
Chapter List
- 10
- 11
- 12
REMINDER:This story takes place in Darkprism's Monoshizukanohi Universe. Though the appearances of Monoshizukanohi locations in this series of stories is minor, it does exist and that world belongs to her. She graciously allows me to play.
Secondly, this story is relatively tame, but the boys ARE, technically, underage . So, technically, I need to add the "minor" warning.
WARNING!!!CHARACTER DEATH! Did I make that clear? I don't like spoiling a story, but it deserves warning. I DO NOT LIKE writing character death but for the future of "Firsts" as well as "Changes," it's necessary. Okay. Character death. Warned? Good.
Rest of the warnings for this chapter: Angst and Language and lots of both!

* * *

One year.
The words slid around Izumo's brain trying to find a foothold, trying to find a grasp somewhere, but they wouldn't take. Izumo stared at the hole in front of him, its ragged edges trying to describe what should be going on in his own chest, but he couldn't seem to make the picture stick any more than the two words.
One year.
It continued to hunt for a place, but like the picture in front of his eyes, it couldn't seem to mesh with anything in his knowledge. He tried to make the words and the picture work together, but they refused. Sort of like trying to force two magnets together with the wrong sides facing each other. There was something about this image, something about this picture in front of him, this hole that he was supposed to understand, something that was supposed to make sense to him, but it didn't.
One year.
The words finally found a handhold on an exposed brick in the empty dusty corner of the cob-web filled basement of his mind. No, his mind answered. Not a year. Eleven months. Three weeks. And four days. They never made it to a year.
As the time frame crystallized in his head, the image of the hole made more sense. It, too, became defined for him. Hayate's grave. His mind shut down again. The two words were enough to lock him up. He needed the numbness, wanted that back. He wasn't ready to face the rest of it. After all, it was only a few days, right? Just four. Four days. No, no, he couldn't think like that, couldn't think about that. Because then that would make it real. And he wasn't ready for it to be real.
Eleven months. Eleven months, three weeks and four days. He could very clearly see Hayate standing in front of him. He could feel those soft lips kissing his. The hand in his hair, brushing the bangs out of his eye. The stubborn bangs that refused to stay put. They were there now, and they would stay there. But even that determination was shied away from. Even that little idea couldn't stick in his mind.
It reeked too much of understanding. It reeked too much of acceptance. And he wasn't there yet, no. He couldn't do acceptance yet. Numbness was better. Numbness meant he didn't have to feel anything. He could ignore the acceptance, he could ignore pain and if he did then the ragged hole in front of him that they were lowering his lover's casket into didn't have to mirror itself in his chest.
He felt a hand on his back, another on his shoulder and one more on the back of his head. He vaguely recognized these as if he was watching the scene from the outside his body. The one on his back belonged to Tetsu. The one on his shoulder, Kenji. The hand on the back of his head? Oh, that was Mrs. Gekkou. Right. Hayate's mother.
They were touching him. They were touching him to offer… offer something. He wasn't quite sure what it was that they were supposed to be offering, because he didn't feel anything. If he felt it, if he recognized it, he would have to accept it. And he wasn't ready to do that yet. No, no. No acceptance. No feeling. No ragged hole in his chest like the one he was still staring at.
He vaguely registered that there were people surrounding the grave, some of them moving away, some of them hugging each other. The two hands that were still on him - the one on his back and the one on his shoulder - they didn't move, they stayed there.
Something else niggled at the back of his brain, poked at the corner of his mind that said he should turn to them, the two standing next to him. He should say something to them, off some sort of… comfort? No, no. Comfort was a feeling.
Should he offer words? But words without feelings were pretty empty. That much he could admit to, that much he could… say.
So instead he just stood there. Somebody was tossing flowers down the hole now. He registered that there was something in his hand. He recognized that. He glanced down to his right hand and noticed that there was a red rose clasped between his fingers. He was supposed to do something with it, but he couldn't remember what it was. He simply stared dumbly at it for a while then let it fall to his side again.
He shifted his eyes from his hand back to the gaping hole that was now filled with black wood, flowers and dirt. But when he finally stopped being numb -- not that that was going to happen anytime soon, mind you , when he stopped feeling numb, they wouldn't fill his hole. They wouldn't fill the chest that would be gaping and open.
That would stay that way for a long time. He could be aware of that much. Anything more he, yet again, shied away from.
Those two hands on him were pulling at him. One of them lifted the hand with the rose in it, another pried the flower out of his grasp and tossed it into the hole for him. He looked to the side and saw that the hand that had taken the rose belonged to Tetsu. He nodded, though he had no idea what he was nodding to, and allowed himself to be steered away from the hole. The hole wasn't his lover, his boyfriend, anyway.
No his lover was… no, no, his mind withdrew from that thought again and he nearly winced with the speed. He couldn't hide from it forever, some rational part of his brain reminded him. But the irrational side said, "Tough! I will if want to! I don't want to see this truth. I'm not going to and I don't have to."
He was in front of a car. He was supposed to do something, but the numbness had taken over again. Tetsu said something to him and he turned his face to his friend again. "Get in, Zumo" Tetsu said in a low voice.
Oh, right. He slid into the car, Tetsu on one side, Kenji on the other. His seatbelt was fastened for him. He was fairly certain he didn't dress himself that morning, either. He vaguely recognized the suit that he was wearing. Something his mother had purchased? Did he get fitted for it? He couldn't remember. Didn't really care.
He wasn't going to wear a suit for his anniversary. No. They were going to order pizza and watch Twister on video. Hayate had wanted to take him someplace really nice, like Tobi's or one of those fancy restaurants, but Izumo insisted he didn't need anything like that. And that Twister and pizza meant more to him than anything else.
He'd rather remember the year before exactly as they had it. After chuckling, a hug and a long kiss, Hayate had agreed.
He did that… was that… two days ago? Izumo shook his head. He didn't remember, didn't want to remember. He didn't know how long ago it was because if he remembered that the movie and the pizza were two days ago, then he would remember that Hayate died… No. No, no. Can't think that.
The blessed numbness came back and he stared, instead at the center console between the seats of the car. Grey plastic, molded to include a pit of some sort that was supposed to hold things: cassette tapes, cigarettes, lighters, money. There were a few of those items in there. He puzzled over them a moment, his brain grappling onto the items, registering and cataloging each one and throwing them out as unimportant.
Very little was important these days. But that's okay. He didn't need things to be important because important meant they would hurt when they went away. And he didn't want hurt.
The car stopped, his seatbelt was unbuckled, and Tetsu tugged on his arm. OH. He was supposed to get out of the car. He nodded, not that anyone said anything, and followed Tetsu up the sidewalk and onto the porch, through the doorway and then he sat on the couch in the living room. "Zumo, take your jacket off."
He looked up curiously at Tetsu. He was supposed to do something? OH, right. Take his jacket off. Everything seemed to be penetrating his brain on a sort of delayed timer. He shook his head, not quite sure what he was denying, then leaned forward, shrugged the jacket off of his shoulders, laid it on the couch next to him and leaned back again. Then he turned and stared at the blank screen of the television across the room from him. Perhaps he should put in Twister again.
No. He didn't really want to watch Twister. Well, he wasn't thinking about wanting much of anything. "Wanting" was another emotion. Something unwelcome at the moment. Moment? He chuckled, mirthlessly. Unwelcome at all. Someday maybe he'd start to feel again. He wondered at that, but decided it wasn't worth the energy at the moment.
Tetsu was pulling on him again. "Come on, Zumo, let's get changed. Let's take the suit off." He followed docilely into their bedroom and stood while Tetsu unbuttoned his shirt, unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his pants. "Zumo, I can't take your shoes off for you, you'll have to do that."
Izumo looked down and saw his dress shoes. New! That's right. His mom bought them. Bought them for… today. He shook his head again, pushing it away, bent over and untied his shoes and kicked them off. He let the pants fall, shrugged the shirt off and left them sit.
He crossed the room to the bunk bed - the bottom one, he never slept on the top anymore, crawled onto the mattress and curled up on his side. Sleep would be good. Sleep would allow him to not think. Would make sure that the thoughts that kept scrabbling around in his brain for a foothold - unwelcome thoughts, thoughts he wasn't ready for - wouldn't find one.
He closed his eyes and somewhere along the way, he finally fell asleep.

* * *

He woke with a scream. He sat bold upright, looking around a little wildly, trying to figure out where he was.
Oh, he was at home. The bunk. The bottom bunk. That's Tetsu next to him. He put a hand on his heart and the pounding started to slow. He couldn't remember the dream, had no idea what had caused the reaction, but he had a feeling he didn't want to know, either.
That's right. Home. Tetsu. Hay… no. Don't think it. Don't think it. Don't think it. He repeated it over and over to himself as sort of a mantra. Don't think it. Don't think about it and it won't hurt.
The numbness had been fading for a couple of weeks now. He'd managed to go through the motions at school. He remembered doing homework and taking tests. Beyond that, he'd been letting the numbness shield him and he knew it was starting to go.
He'd been trying to hold onto it. Wrap it around himself like a warm blanket on a cold winter's day. It could ward off the pain the same way the blanket would ward off the chill.
But he knew it wouldn't last much longer. He'd become more aware of everything. He'd seen Tetsu watching him. He'd noticed Kenji's worried looks. He'd felt his mother's concerned touches and hugs. Slowly, but surely, the numbness was cracking and it was going to go.
He lay back down and rolled onto his side to watch Tetsu sleep. Tetsu's face scrunched up a little bit in dreams of some sort. His friend started moaning and Izumo puzzled over it for a moment. Why was Tetsu moaning?
"No. No, damn you, get away! No!" Tetsu muttered, rolling to his other side.
Nightmare? But he was right here. Maybe. But as Izumo watched Tetsu, he realized that there was probably two solid feet between him and Tetsu. Enough maybe for Tetsu's subconscious to think that he wasn't there.
Had he left him? Had he left his best friend?
The numbness faded further but he pushed the thoughts aside. Tetsu was starting to moan again. The whimpering got louder. There was another shouted "no" and Izumo scooted over across the bed.
He put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Tetsu!" He shook it carefully, but, of course, it didn't wake him. It never did. He knew what he needed to do.
God, what have I done? He wrapped his arms around Tetsu, raised one hand to brush at the hair. "Tetsu, wake up. Tetsu!"
And like it had back before, before the nightmares had ceased and before… he swallowed, before Hayate's death, Tetsu rolled, wrapped his arms around Izumo and held him close.
He felt his friend's breathing ease a little. "Fuck. I… I didn't want you to wake up," Tetsu said.
Izumo swallowed hard. "Tetsu? Tetsu has this been…" He let the question trail off.
Kotetsu wouldn't look at him. He tried to tuck Izumo's head under his chin like he had so many times before. But this time, this time, Zumo was going to fight it. "No. Tetsu, talk to me. Have the nightmares been happening?"
Tetsu's lips pressed into a thin line, but he nodded. It was barely perceptible, but he could see it. The dark of the room hid most things. Perhaps he sensed the nod more than saw it. It didn't matter now. Tetsu'd been having nightmares and he'd been wallowing in numbness.
I'll always be here for you. The words floated back into Zumo's mind. A promise he'd made a little over a year ago. He snorted to himself. Some promise.
Perhaps he was being a little bit unreasonable, a little hard on himself. But then again, if he was angry with himself, he couldn't be angry with anybody else. He could hide those emotions quite a bit easier. Yes, yes, that works. He'll be angry with himself.
"I'm sorry, Tetsu." Izumo started, but Tetsu shook his head.
"No, no. You have every right. God, what you must be going through…"
But Izumo shook his head hard. "No. It's… it's still not right." He paused. "Damn me. That's no excuse to ignore you."
Tetsu peered at him through the blackness of the room. A car passed, headlights bounced off of the ceiling and the silence sat heavy, almost like a living thing in the room with them. Finally, Tetsu said, "Izumo, you can't hide forever. Being… being angry with yourself is almost the same as being numb."
Izumo took a deep breath, trying to find some sort of calm and sanity. But he knew better, there was no sanity to be had, not yet. "Tetsu, just… just let me be mad, okay? Let me be mad at me?" He had no idea just how frantic his voice sounded.
"Okay, Zumo, whatever you need, that's okay," Tetsu quickly said, his hands patting and smoothing over Zumo's back.
The hurried compromise, the hurried assurances only succeeded in pissing Izumo off more. What kind of bomb had he been walking around as? Had they been expecting him to explode? Perhaps fall into a crying fit? That thought made him more than a little disgusted with himself.
He supposed it was only to be expected. But that didn't mean it felt right to him. He sighed. "Tetsu…" He swallowed hard again and let Tetsu tuck his head under his friend's chin, tighten strong arms around him and comfort.
Izumo wondered about that, too. He was always the one the comforted Tetsu, not the other way around. But he had to wonder how much of that Tetsu had had to learn how to do. That thought spawned another question. "Tetsu… what's the date?"
Silence. He heard the swallow, then "May thirteenth."
"M…. May? But…" Izumo started. Two months? Two months! He thought maybe a few weeks, but…
He refocused on the more immediate problem. "Tetsu, have the nightmares been going on all this time?"
More silence. That was damning enough. He swallowed hard again, trying to dislodge the lump in his throat, hoping he could get it down, down into his stomach, where it would sit, probably like a ball of lead. But that was better than where it was right now because he couldn't breathe with it there. Or perhaps that was the band around his chest. He didn't know, wasn't quite capable of figuring that out, at the moment.
No. He wasn't ready, wasn't ready. Wasn't ready for the pain. Wasn't ready for the anger. Wasn't ready for any of it. Something of his thoughts must have been spoken out loud. "Nobody's ever ready for it, Zumo," Tetsu said.
Izumo wondered where his best friend suddenly had all this wisdom. He resisted the urge to scream, barely. This wasn't right! Testu wasn't the one to do this!
He closed his eyes, working to get a hold of himself. He need to refocus, needed to figure out where to even begin. He didn't know!
Tetsu's arms tightened again, more of that comfort and Izumo felt the last of the numbness break. Then pieces of it started falling away, and Izumo crazily had the picture of a cartoon vase break slowly, one shard at a time falling after it landed on the coyote's head. He almost laughed, which brought his confusion back with a vengeance.
And then the emotions slammed into him.
Fear. Anger. Pain. Disgust. Grief. Love. One after another slapped at him, circled around him and flew through him before they finally settled in. Then they tangled together until the knot was like a ball of yarn after a kitten was through with it.
"Fuck! What have… how… but… I… You… He… God dammit!" Izumo stuttered, fought to find simple language and lost. Sounds came out of his throat, sounds he couldn't have described, much less identify, sounds that reflected the huge jumble of emotions that were finally rioting around in his head.
His hands balled into fists on Tetsu's back, his face screwed up in anger and pain and somewhere along the line the individual sounds melded into a single keening noise. The tears started, the images flashed into his head and he gave in.
Hayate grinning at him, holding up the condoms after the first time they'd made love. Hayate in the driver's seat of the Jeep, annoyed at having to let go of Izumo's hand so he could shift. Hayate bent over a math book, working on The Bitch's homework. Hayate on the rock they'd chosen for lunch when they'd gone hiking at the preserve.
The smile with the tiny dimple on the right side of his mouth. The dark eyes. Those eyes that sparkled when he was laughing. The crease in his forehead when he was annoyed.
And the face. That face when they were making love. Eyes closed, head thrown back, mouth open as he shouted Izumo's name.
"No no no no no no. Oh God, no. No. Please, no…" He didn't know who he was begging from, but he knew what he was begging for. He wanted the numbness back. He wanted to keep the pain away.
But it was too late. The numbness was gone.
There. There it was. The hole he'd been expecting. But it was filled. Not with caskets and flowers and dirt, but with pain. Why did it feel like he was breaking in half? Why did was it so fucking physical?
His hands came around and pounded into Tetsu's chest. "FUCK! No, goddammit, no!" He continued to beat at his friend, his best friend, who simply laid there and took it. Some small part of his mind knew that Kotetsu would end up with bruises, but he couldn't make himself stop. He wanted to, needed to, he'd hurt his friend enough, but he just couldn't manage it. "FUCK!" It was a shout, a near scream and the fight went out of him.
He slumped back into Tetsu's arms, his hands going still. The tears flowed now, just the tears and those sounds again. Those unidentifiable sounds, the ones that carried love that was gone, smiles that would never grace lips again, sparkles that would never show in eyes and a voice, a voice that would never again call his name in just that way.
He had no idea how long he lay there, they lay there. Kotetsu simply held him, let him cry, let him go. He vaguely became aware that his hair was wet, that Tetsu's chest was soaked and even the pillow underneath had a huge damp spot.
His head was stuffy, his eyes puffy. He had a headache forming that was going to be a monster. He was having trouble breathing aside from the stuffy nose, his throat hurt like hell, his hands would probably have bruises and they were aching. His palms had deep indentations from his fingernails.
But he wasn't numb anymore.
Hayate was gone. Dead. And all the numbness in the world wasn't going to change that.
But in trying to hide from the fact of his lover's death, he'd hurt his best friend, hurt others and he felt selfish and ashamed.
"I'm so sorry, Tetsu. I know you don't think I should be, but I am." He paused to swallow thickly and attempt to clear his throat. He wasn't very successful, but he spoke again, anyway. "I'm… not okay. I won't be okay for a while. But… heh… well…heh… I'm… here again."
He heard the deep breath Tetsu took. Recognized it for relief. "I missed you," he whispered.
"I'm sorry. God, so sorry." He swallowed again and wrapped his arm back around Tetsu. They lay quietly for a long while. "It hurts. God, it hurts."
"I know, Zumo, I know. I'm so sorry. I wish I could… I wish I could hurt for you," Tetsu said. Kotetsu rubbed his back, dropped kisses on his temple and head, played with his hair and Izumo felt himself relax bit by tiny little bit.
"Thank you," Izumo whispered.
Tetsu simply replied with a quiet shushing sound. Izumo looked up and dropped a light kiss on his friend. Tetsu started in surprise then returned it just as lightly.
Oh God. This. When was the last time he'd kissed? Four days. Four days before their anniversary. And that was… two months ago.
The tears started again as he kissed his best friend. Lips met again and again in nibbles then held in a long slow kiss. Izumo's tongue traced Tetsu's bottom lip and his friend opened to him. Their tongues slid along each other's and one of Tetsu's hands tangled in Zumo's hair, holding him closer.
A moment later, they broke apart. Izumo's hands started to wander, to just touch, to… feel, but it was Tetsu who stopped him. "Zumo."
"Oh God. I'm sorry. You have Kenji. Fuck." He dropped his head back in shame.
"No. No, that's not it." Kotetsu hurried to say. Izumo looked up, puzzled. Tetsu cleared his throat. "First off, I'm… I'm not Hayate. I... can't fill in for him."
Ouch. He hadn't been thinking that. And that reminded him very well that the first time he had his wits about him, he went right to Tetsu and started kissing him. Hayate was gone barely two months and he was attacking Tetsu! The shame threatened to choke him again.
"I…" He started, but he had no idea what he was going to say. What he could say? Then something caught his attention. "It's… not Kenji?"
Tetsu shook his head. "We're not… not really boyfriends, so much as just good friends who fuck. We just don't feel for each other like yo… well, like we thought we were supposed to. So, we don't much worry about that. But… he told me that if you needed someone…" he let it trail off, but he didn't need to finish the thought. If Izumo needed to fuck, needed something physical, then it was fine with Kenji if Tetsu did.
That whole thing caused yet another set of emotions Izumo wasn't equipped to detangle in that moment, so he pushed that aside. "Oh," he said, lamely. "Um. Well, I…" he swallowed again. "I wasn't thinking that, Tetsu. Just… just that I missed kissing." He swallowed again, the tears spilling over once more. "God, how horrible is that? He's gone two months. I'm… I'm only now really accepting it and I go out and…"
"And what? Accept comfort from the one person closest to you in the world?" Kotetsu asked.
It gave Izumo pause. "Oh." He looked up into Tetsu's face, the best that he could in the pre-dawn darkness. He frowned. "I… guess I didn't… oh hell, I'm just not thinking clearly at all." He brought one hand up to his temple and started rubbing. The headache was breaking through his confusion. "Fuck," he finally said in frustration.
Tetsu wrapped his arms more tightly around him. One hand moved his aside and began rubbing at the headache. Izumo moaned quietly, the pain already receding partially. "Maybe you should just try to get a little more sleep. Thinking and all of that might be easier then," Tetsu suggested.
Izumo nodded. "Yeah. Will you…" he closed his eyes, annoyed with how he sounded. "Will you keep holding me?" His voice came out small and almost like a child's.
"Of course, Zumo. I'll be here for you." That was a little too close to the promise he'd made - and broken - to Tetsu, and he felt another stab at that, but his mind was too tired to really deal with it. His body was pulling him down under, the headache and emotional storm finally taking its toll.
"Thanks, Tetsu." He managed then his eyes slid closed. He fell asleep almost immediately.
- 10
- 11
- 12
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Firsts	By : djserani Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1305 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto! I make no money off of this!

Firsts