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One Unfortunate Blonde	By : Provocative_Zephyr Category: Naruto Crossovers > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1544 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or Naruto. I assure you, no profit is made from this work of fanfiction.

Chapter List
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There were very few things that could make Shirosaki break out into a blind, angry rage that consumed his entire being and made him susceptible to violence…. Wait…what? No, that's definitely a lie. There are very few things that don't make Shirosaki break out into a blind, angry rage that consumed his entire being and made him susceptible to violence. Or is he just susceptible to violence no matter the mood because he's just fucking crazy? Well, whatever the reason – Shirosaki was feeling violent today.
But it wasn't like that was out of the ordinary or anything. He didn't even have to be angry for it to happen, for fucks sake. He could've been watching a program on baby rabbits and still felt the beginnings of a bloody rampage come on. But maybe that wouldn't be that surprising either; seeing as watching something as girly as a rabbit program would send any respectable man into an awful mood of unusual, destructive proportion.
We're off track now, aren't we? So the reason for Shirosaki's violent mood today wasn't actually important – seeing as it could be a number of things that set him off – what actually was important would be the effects of his destructiveness. Namely, the front door of his shared apartment, approximately five vases, ten plates, a window, and the stove; all shattered or…dented in about half way in several spots.
When Shiro finally calmed down, which in itself is amazing – Shiro never calms down – it struck him that his roommates would probably be very disgruntled when they got home. Especially since Shiro was technically a moocher – despite his well-paying job – that lived off his older, by minutes, brother and his brother's boyfriend. The violent-prone man ran an albino-pale hand through silver hair, shuddering at the thought of his twin's annoying, bitchy voice. He could hear it already. "You bastard, what the hell? I just bought that china set last week – it matched my cups perfectly!" Shiro giggled aloud. His brother was such a homo. He probably got his interior design abilities from their dear mother.
Then again…that's where Shiro got his own interior designing abilities from – it certainly wasn't their dumb-ass father – so he probably couldn't say anything. Oh well. He was still sticking by the statement that his brother was a flamer. Let's disregard that Shiro was flaming it up just as much (women suck).
"Ugh. I'm definitely not looking forward to listening to Ichi-berry's bitching." Idly he considered hightailing it the hell out of there. But that would be like running away. Being a pussy wasn't his style. He'd just have to grin and bear it right through Ichigo's tirade. Probably by tuning him out. Hey, it was better than running away with his tail between his legs!
Shiro left the kitchen – and its mangled stove with it – to the adjoined living room and its comfy, comfy couch. Propping up his feet, he switched on the stereo, turning on some Dope, probably effectively blasting out the neighboring apartments. Not like he really gave a shit, though.
A wide grin stretched across the albino's face as the thrumming in his veins started up; heavy metal never failed to get him pumped. Giggling, he sang along – rather off key too – "Watch out here I come! You spin me right round baby right round…" due to the sheer volume of his music, he didn't hear the door open, nor did he hear Ichigo's grumbling, or Grimmjow's – Ichi-berry's boyfriend – laughter, nor the scolding from the orangette to the blunette ('Don't fucking encourage him!'). He did, however, hear the screech that erupted from his twin's lips when he saw the vases. Shiro shut off the music just in time to hear Ichigo's scream of utter fury when he stepped into the kitchen.
The albino actually felt a little wary. Grimmjow, standing in the doorway of the kitchen, was completely tense – his eyes turned back to look at Shiro. "Yer so fucked, man."
"Like Ichigo could ever beat me in a fight. HAH!"
"YOU BASTARD!" Shiro's livid twin sprinted out of the kitchen, stared wildly at his brother for a whole of two seconds before leaping at him, arms outstretched almost comically. Shiro nearly laughed, but then there was a fist in his jaw, so he grunted instead. Damn, he forgot what a good right hook his dear brother had. Not that Ichigo was in any way superior to him though. Ichigo had morals, Shirosaki liked to tell people to go fuck themselves as they lay bleeding on the floor. There was no way his twin could beat him.
This conviction stayed even as that tanned fist met with his face again – and again, and again. He had sunk down into the couch a good few inches before he decided to retaliate. Slamming his knee into Ichigo's stomach, he started giggling as his brother struggled to catch his breath. Grabbing a handful of orange hair, he pulled, causing a bitchy little whimper to escape his brother's lips. Pathetic. "Bastard…!"
"Ichigo…." Grimmjow tried his best to sound concerned – only succeeding in sounding somewhat breathless. Shiro spared him a glance – Ichigo was bent over near his lap – and chortled at the excited look in the blunette's eyes. The albino almost wanted to get a raise of the taller man – what a fight that would be. Two on one battles had somewhat of an appeal to him. Ooh, he was getting excited. Before he could call out to goad the trembling bluenette, Ichigo yelled out.
"Damn it, you pervert!"
Shiro looked down, "Oh…that's what felt so good, eheheh."
So he hadn't had the time to taunt Grimmjow; but it wasn't like it mattered, as seeing Ichigo's face pressed into his twin's need did the job quite nicely. With an animalistic growl, the taller man leapt into action, landing on Shiro's back. Ichigo reached up to grab his brother's wrist, clamping down, attempting to get rid of the pressure on his hair. The albino grumbled; he couldn't be having that….He leant down and bit the offending hand, dragging an affronted yell from his twin. "The hell?"
Grimmjow pried Shiro's fingers from the mass of abused, orange hair, "Hands off the strawberry." A fist landed in the man's face, and it wasn't an albino-pale one.
"Don't call me that!"
"…Sorry."
Shiro cackled in delight at Grimmjow's misfortune. "Aww, you're so pussy-whipped….Or is that dick-whipped?" he dodged the blunette's retaliation, and Ichigo's punch just barely skimmed his cheek. The albino giggled again, and then grabbed Grimmjow's hands still on his back, bouncing, he managed to flip him over, nearly into the coffee table. It backfired when the blunette used Shiro's momentum to also throw him. Right into the T.V.
Everyone went silent. Grimmjow, beside the coffee table, looked in horror at the albino ass-planted into the television set, then over to Ichigo. The orangette had a blank look on his face – as if he was still processing what had just happened. All too soon it became clear. Instead of blowing up like he normally would, Shiro's beloved twin got very quiet, stood, and proceeded to retreat to his and Grimmjow's bedroom.
"Babe-"
"I will kill you if you keep talking." Ichigo slammed the door in the blunette's face. The man actually deflated, looking like a lost kitten. That lasted for a whole of 3 minutes, then he was turning around to glare lethally at Shirosaki – who was still stuck in the rubble of the T.V, mind you.
Grimmjow growled and advanced on the albino like a predator, Shiro was relatively unimpressed. "This is your fucking fault!"
"Hey now," gritting his teeth, he climbed out of the destruction he had somewhat caused, "I wasn't the one to throw someone into a television, kitty-cat." There were shards of glass in his ass…Great. Couldn't Ichigo have called their dad? Shiro didn't want to talk to the buffoon unless he was in doctor mode. Oh yeah…Ichigo was having a bitch fit. Quite silently too – and that was never good.
"You caused the fight in the fucking first place!"
Shiro rolled his eyes at the other man. Grimmjow was practically seething, looking ready hiss and scratch at any moment – if he'd had a tail, it would be lashing. Aww. "You didn't have to jump in and throw me into a T.V, Kitty-chan. That's a cute look on you by the way."
The blunette growled again. "Aww, does the kitty wanna play?" Grimmjow bristled, true to Shiro's pet-name. "Sorry, but my ass doesn't want to play right now." The albino stood up as straight as he could from the floor, groaning slightly.
"Shit…." The other man actually sounded a little guilty. But then he remembered Ichigo, and the fact that he wouldn't be getting any for…like a month. "You fucking deserve it."
"Yeah yeah, whatever." Shiro hissed, "Hey. Could you do me a favor, Kitty-chan?"
Grimmjow glared for a little while, a disbelieving look on his face. Then he looked at the other's ass, which was bleeding a little noticeably through white sweatpants, he sighed. "What the hell do ya want?" he crossed his arms and grimaced.
"Could you pull these shards out? They fucking hurt."
There was silence. Then; "Hell no."
"You suck, Kitty-chan."
"I know. Quite well too."
"Oh really now? You could show me, that'd be nicely distracting." Shiro indicated down to his bleeding posterior.
Grimmjow actually smirked, just the slightest. "I'll pass, albino. Go find someone else to suck you off."
"Damn."
And just like that, two of the three were okay with each other again. Shiro went into the bathroom to fix his ass as best as possible, standing in the shower with the curtain half-closed. Grimmjow sat on the toilet, surprisingly keeping the other company. Then again, Ichigo was currently off limits with his pissy mood, threats, and locked door, so the blunette had nothing better to do.
"How long do ya think Ichi-berry'll be mad at you?" Shiro said conversationally, well, as conversationally as he could get while pulling glass shards out of his buttocks.
"Who fuckin' knows? I broke his T.V, you broke his stove…And his favorite china set." Shiro cackled at that, making Grimmjow start. "Uh, any reason you just laughed like a psycho?"
"Since when do I need a reason?" the albino returned.
Grimmjow had known Shiro and Ichigo for seven years now, and that had definitely been a stupid question. "Good point." They fell silent save the albino's quiet moans of pain as he pulled out all the shards of glass. How many fucking pieces were there?
"You're going to be depraved for a couple months, Kitty-chan. You sure you don't wanna suck me?"
The blunette snorted, "And never get any again? No thanks."
"Hah, never again? That's a bit dramatic. It's not like you couldn't find someone else." Shiro turned on the water, sitting down on his haunches.
Grimmjow's voice was serious, and angry, when he replied. "Ichi is mine, and no one's gonna replace him." If he hadn't been too busy hissing at the water on his bleeding skin, he would have laughed hysterically. His twin really had turned the blunette into a pussy.
"Let's…ugh…See if you still say that in a couple months."
The blunette said nothing for a few moments. "…You think it'll last that long?"
Shiro cackled, "You're asking me that? You know Ichigo; he can hold quite the grudge."
"It's not like I'll just make him pay fer it! It'll all be alright if I just get the money to him, right?" Shiro giggled again, if only just to mess with Grimmjow. Personally, he knew they wouldn't fight past a week, they were too fucking sappy – he just liked to push the bluenette's buttons. "Shit."
Grimmjow stood up, and Shiro rolled his eyes to hear obvious pacing. He turned off the water. "Would you make yourself useful and get some bandages for me?"
"Shouldn't you go to the hospital to make sure all the glass is out?"
"Meh. I'll figure it out eventually if I didn't get it all."
There was a sound vaguely like 'crazy bastard' then a banging as the other man flung open the sink-cabinet door. Hopefully to get that first aid kit Ichigo always made sure to keep stocked. A moment later, he was happy to see the plastic box being pushed through the shower-curtain.
"Do you really think Ichigo will be pissed for two months?"
Shiro grinned to himself, "Ichigo was pissed at his last boyfriend for an entire year…then he just decided to break it off." This was actually true. Poor Baboon-chan. But he definitely didn't think this'd happen with Grimmjow.
The bluenette breathed sharply; probably from a mix of trepidation and jealousy of the unnamed ex-boyfriend. "A year? Then a break up? …fuck."
"Get comfy on that couch big guy…and make sure you scan those newspaper ads."
"Shit!" Hah. How gullible.

Several hours later found Shiro sitting gingerly on the couch, and Grimmjow sitting in front of it, coffee table completely covered with newspapers from that week. The T.V had been cleaned up by a panicking Grimmjow and the man was currently staring at apartment ads with a look of depression on his face. Shiro repressed a giggle.
It was near 12:00 a.m. and Ichigo had yet to show his face or show a sign that he was even inside his room. The stereo was playing quietly, to Shiro's disappointment, as to not anger the orangette, but still keep the two men in trouble a little entertained. Grimmjow looked just about as glum as he could ever get. And Shiro? He was reveling in listening to the dick-whipped sap drown in his misery.
"What if he never takes me back?" Grimmjow took a swig from a bottle sitting right next to him. "I've gotta get an apartment set…I can't make him hate me!" Another gulp. He hadn't needed anymore vodka three hours ago. Shiro chuckled. He couldn't help it this time. "The hell are you laughin' at?"
"You're such a fucking homo."
Grimmjow stared for a moment, "All because of…Ichi. Shit! Ichi!" Shiro jumped at the apparently drunk man's exclamation. He was definitely worried when the man slammed his head into the coffee table, looking ready to break another T.V. "Damn it, Ichi!" his face looked pained. Shiro rolled his eyes.
The door to Ichigo's room slammed open and the orangette stomped out. Grimmjow made a seizure-like movement, flipped onto his hands and knees facing his boyfriend, then scrambled up. Or tried to at any rate, he collapsed about five feet forward, once again on his hands and knees. "I-Ichi!" the man's voice was so panicked and terrified that Ichigo faltered in his glare.
Shiro watched mildly as the bluenette proceeded to be on his shaky knees for forgiveness. "Ichigo! I'm so sorry! I'll buy you a new T.V, I swear! I'll fucking clean up my act, I'll never throw someone across the room again!" Shiro bristled slightly; he hadn't been thrown that far. "Please don't make me go celibate for a year and then break up with me!"
Ichigo stared, wide-eyed for a short while, blinking rapidly. Then he rolled his eyes at the pathetically drunk man and turned his famous glare unto his twin. "Did you fucking tell him about Renji?"
The albino grinned, "Of course I did, Ichi-berry!"
His glare darkened. Then he approached Grimmjow, who was still pathetically groveling at his lover's feet. "Come on, you idiot." He dragged his boyfriend up, sent another glare to his brother, then dragged the bluenette into his room, slamming the door behind him.
Shiro rolled his eyes. His brother was such a bitch.
Having nothing better to do, the albino switched off all the lights in the living room and the kitchen, hobbling all the while. He raided Ichigo's linen closet, then made himself comfortable on the couch. He closed his eyes, fully intent on falling asleep.
Then he heard a moan. And then a consistent banging. Well, he could fall asleep after a quick meeting with his hand, right?
Shiro slept well that night. Absolutely no dreams bothered him and he was nicely relaxed when he finally went to bed. Waking up was an entirely different scenario. He woke up to a book meeting his head. Bleary gold eyes opened to shoot a morning-grumpy glare at his self-important-looking twin.
Ichigo had his hands on his hips, looking every bit the bitchy gay man ready to throw a righteous bitch fit. "What's up your ass, Ichi-berry? Oh, I know!" the orangette rolled his eyes. But the fact that he didn't do anything more was the testament to the sheer power of a good fuck.
Grimmjow, in the background, was the testament to the sheer power of too much alcohol. He lay face-first on the table, groaning irritably.
"Shut up, Grimm." Ichigo shot mildly behind him. "You."
Shiro raised a brow, "You're not mad at him anymore, but you still refer to me as 'You'? That's not very polite." He crossed his arms. "So the one who gives you the buttsex gets the easy way out? Because I'm open to that."
Ichigo growled, "Will you just shut up! That is disgusting!"
"Mm, disgusting is dirty and dirty is the only way to go. Don't be such a girl, Ichi-berry."
"Stop calling me that. And I need to talk to you about something." The orangette had his infamous glare on his face, but at least it wasn't his pissed one, this was just the everyday one. "You…You are going to pay for the stove, a new set of dishes, and the T.V."
Shiro scoffed, "The T.V. wasn't even my fault!" This was favoritism, he just knew it.
"It was your fault the whole fight happened, so you're paying for it." Ichigo shifted his weight to his left leg. "Another thing." Grimmjow came out of the kitchen to stand next to his boyfriend, looking somewhat amused. "You need to find a new place to live."
The albino stared at his twin. Fucking seriously? Grimmjow – the cocky bastard – grinned, "Look's like you'll be the one needing the newspapers, huh?" he chuckled sadistically, Ichigo cocked a challenging brow, and Shiro groaned. Couldn't they have waited to wake him up to tell him this? At least 12, really. No breakfast for him, apparently.
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One Unfortunate Blonde