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I Pretend	By : Mija Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 998 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or its characters nor do I make any money from writing this fic.

Chapter List
- 1-I Pretend
- 1
I Pretend
　
By Mija
Disclaimer-I do not own Naruto or its characters nor do I make any money from writing this fic or any others.
*MM, AU, ONESHOT, Some Cussing, but not much. I really don’t think its all that much OOC, but will state it as a warning just in case. But Isn’t it hard to not be at least a teeny tiny bit OOC when making an AU that does not have all that massacre, war and demon inside of you stuff? Please read AN at the bottom, thank you.*
　
　
He’s talking to me and I nod my head and quirk an eyebrow at all the right moments, letting him know I’m listening, and I am, sort of. Yes I am listening to every word he’s saying but truthfully, I don’t really care, especially since what he’s saying is so painful to hear. He’s telling me about the new love in his life, this new person he met and how they had hit it off right away. He’s going on and on about how funny and sweet this person is, how so very smart and sexy this other is. I give him a small little smirk, I don’t bother with a smile, its not my style and frankly it would give him a heart attack if I ever did smile at him, and besides, if I did he would know. He would know that my small smirk, my interested continence and nodding head are all fake.
As I nod my head and make the proper movements and utter the standard grunts or ‘hns’ he is so used to hearing from me, I let my mind wander. I tend to do a lot of zoning and tuning out when it comes to my best friend. Although I always make sure he doesn’t KNOW I am tuning him out, because that would be bad all around. Although his chatter a soothing back round for many a chaotic thought. He is the total, utter opposite of me, Naruto loves to talk, A LOT. He’s always smiling, these huge blinding smiles that take up half his face and make those big blue eyes of his sparkle. He’s always laughing and joking and just plain being a big dork, but that is one of the many things I love about him, his ability to just be happy, to make everyone around him smile and be happy with him, he’s like this little ball of energy and sun shine, a huge kid that you just cant help but be drawn to.

As for me I am the quiet type, in fact the only person who’s ever been able to get more than monosyllabic responses from me is the big dorky blond next to me right now. It is HARD to ignore Naruto for long, not that I haven’t tried, but the idiot doesn’t like to be ignored and like a flower seeking the sunlight he seeks attention, opens up and blooms to those who give it to him, and I can never deny my dobe anything, I love him.
And that is the crux of the matter, I love him. I love Naruto Uzumaki with all my heart and soul. Naruto, who has been and is my best friend since pre school. He is my best friend, my confidant and what he call’s pseudo brothers. If only he knew how much I do NOT think of him as a brother. If only he knew how much I really care for him, how much I love him, how much I WANT him. My thoughts are no where near brotherly when I think of Naruto. It would be so much easier of they were, but as much as I’ve tried to deny it, to fight it, in the end I had to accept it, I Sasuke Uchiha am deeply, madly, head over heels in love with my best friend, Naruto Uzumaki.
But of course I can never tell Naruto that, he would hate me, he would curse me and reject me, think of me as some sick twisted bastard who lusts after a friend whose supposed to be like a brother to him. And I can’t risk that, I can’t risk loosing Naruto forever, never having him by my side, talking to him, seeing him, basking in his presence. So what if my heart breaks a little more every time he talks about a new love interest? I can take it, I have to take it, there is no other option, because I would rather have Naruto in my life as a friend whom I will never be able to love like I want to, than not have Naruto in my life at all, I would die if the blond ever left me. But that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt or take a lot out of me to fake my attention when he talks to me about them.
The newest love interest, God how it hurts to think of anyone with my dobe. Hurts to think of my Naruto in another’s arms, to know someone else is holding my blond, kissing him, whispering sweet nothings to him and making love to that beautiful tanned body. God I would kill to only have a fraction of that. So I pretend, I past a fake smirk and pretend I’m listening to him as he tells me he might have actually found thee one, his true love. Oh how that tears my soul to shreds.
If only he knew how much it hurts to hear him say those things and know its not me he’s talking about. I wonder what he would do if he knew about how I felt, of how every time I see him I can’t seem to breath. I wonder what he’d say if he knew that the dark circles under my eyes are because I cant stop thinking of him at night and can‘t sleep. Wonder what he would think if he knew that I stay awake all night just so I wont sleep, because when I sleep I dream and they are always of him. When I dream I dream of him holding me, of him kissing me of him telling me he loves me and has always loved me.
Sometimes the dreams are so real and so intense that when I wake up and find that Naruto is not there and everything I have just seen and felt was only a dream, I cry. Yes, me thee Sasuke Uchiha, cries because the pain in my chest is so intense, the feeling of loss and loneliness so strong I cant help it. Those dreams always leave me feeling utterly drained, tired and so very alone. I both love and loath them to the very pit of my being. Having them fills me with a kind of joy and happiness I have never known but waking up and having all of it snatched away from me cruelly, just about kills me. So I don’t sleep, at least I fight it till I just cant stay awake and collapse in total exhaustion and fatigue, so that I don‘t dream.
I wonder what my dobe would do if he knew the power he has over me. The only one with the power to break my heart and shatter my soul. God I am so pathetic. I’m trying to be happy for him, really I am, because when all is said and done, that’s all that really matters, his happiness. I would give anything and everything for Naruto to be happy, so I hide it, I hide my feelings, I fake a smirk, pretend to listen and fight my sleep so I won’t dream of him. I hope this person, this new love interest he is talking about knows how lucky he is to have my dobe to love. He better appreciate him and treasure him for the beautiful person he is. When that person looks into those big beautiful blue eyes of his they better know that they are blessed to have Naruto loving them, because if they don’t I will kill them, slowly and painfully if they ever hurt my dobe.
He’s still talking to me as we walk and I pretend to listen, and I paste that smirk on my face so he wont see. So he won’t see how much he means to me, and how much I wish is was me he was talking about. So he won’t see, just how much my heart is breaking.
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He’s walking next to me, and I fake a smile so he can’t see. See how much he’s hurting me. It’s not his fault, he doesn’t know he’s hurting me, killing me softly, slowly. Even now as I talk to him and smile and fake the happiness I don’t really feel inside, I wonder what he would say if he knew. If he knew how much I truly and deeply love that bastard with my very heart and soul. I wonder what he would say if he knew that this new love of mine is just another person I am hoping and praying will help me get over the fact that I am in love with my best friend, a best friend that doesn’t and will never love me in return.
Don’t get me wrong, I do like this person. He is funny, and smart, he’s totally nice and he makes me smile. Not to mention that he’s sexy as all get out, not as sexy as my teme, but who the hell is. No one is as good looking or as gorgeous as Sasuke, no one. At least in my humble opinion, but I know its not only mine, the guy has a fucking fan club for goodness sakes! Most of them are girls of course, but there are the handful of boys who wouldn’t mind having thee Sasuke Uchiha as their boyfriend/lover. Hell I would give my fucking left nut to be his lover. But sadly I have to settle for only being his best friend and nothing more.
Again don’t get me wrong, being Sasuke the ice prince’ best friend is an honor and something others would gladly kill for, because its not easy having the teme’s trust and respect, two things that I have as the bastards best friend for sure. But those are things I gained over a lifetime, something I worked hard for, something that I treasure with my entire being. I would never give my friendship with Sasuke up, never. And that is where the problem is, isn’t it? Sasuke and me are just friends, best of friends to be sure, but friends non the less. There will never ever be anything more than just the close friendship we share now, and that should be enough and it so would be if I did not love him as something more, or as much as I do right now.
Ya, that’s right me Naruto Uzumaki, best friend, confidant and pseudo brother to Sasuke Uchiha, am totally unequivocally head over heels, starry eyed, insanely in love with my best friend in a romantic way. And Sasuke has no idea that I do, and if he ever found out, he would slaughter me slowly and painfully before he cusses at me and throws me out of his life forever, and If that ever happened? I would die, simple and plain as that, I would just stop breathing, heart shattered and broken, as my soul leaves my body.
Ya, I have been told I am over dramatic, but I cant help it, its hard to put into words all the feelings and emotions I have when it concerns my teme. As it is the bastard knows he has my undivided attention when ever he wants, he knows I would do anything and everything for him if he but only ask. Not that he ever does really, the bastard doesn’t like to ask anyone for anything, the emo prick. Ya, I know I’m calling him all these names and junk but there isn’t any malice or heat in them, on the contrary teme is my pet name for him as dobe is his for me. Stupid I know, they are curse words, words meant to belittle and insult, but over the years they have become habit, something that only we can call each other, its our own little way of showing we care for each other. Screwed up maybe, but its our way and we are happy with it.
But again, Sasuke already has so much of me wrapped around his long slender pale fingers that I fear what he could do if I gave him the power to destroy me, and he could easily do it to without even trying. If I ever told him how much I love him, care for him, WANT him, just by one single solitary facial expression showing his disgust or rejection would shatter me completely and totally. I know he wouldn’t do it on purpose, even as another part of me is positive he would physically beat the shit out of me and toss me away if he ever knew what I felt for him. My broody bastard can be a tad violent at times, but its one of his charms in my opinion.
Sasuke is totally straight and although he knows and accepts that I’m gay, he doesn’t do well around others who are gay, it makes him uncomfortable and the few times some poor sap tried to hit on him he just about had his testicles ripped off. So ya, Sasuke is so not gay and he would kill me if he ever knew I thought of him like that.
Oh if only he knew of all the things I have thought and dreamt of him. Sigh, they are wet dream material. But I can’t think about those things right now, I don’t need to pop a tent while the bastard is walking next to me listening to me go on and on about my new love. Which is sad really, as I said I do like this guy, as I’ve liked every guy I have ever been with. And I try, I really do, try to make things with them work. I give them my all and even my love, but there is and will always be that one little piece of me that belongs to Sasuke and Sasuke alone, and in the end, its usually that piece that the others want. I can’t really blame them, to a certain extent, for wanting my all and frankly they have that right to expect my everything, but I can’t, I can’t let go of that one part of me that is Sasuke’s and sometimes I don’t think it is fair for them to ask me to give them that part as well.
I mean doesn’t everyone have bits and parts of them that are solely for others? First loves? Parents? Siblings? Best friends? And for all intents and purposes the guys I have dated have all just seen and known Sasuke as my friend, my best friend but friend non the less, I have never ever let any part of my feelings for Sasuke show, not to ANYONE not even my family, and yet these guys always end up asking me to choose, choose between them and Sasuke. Like what the fuck? How can they ask that of me? Like I would ever choose them over Sasuke? And lets get one thing straight, even if I didn’t have romantic feelings for the teme, I would NEVER give up my friendship with Sasuke for anyone and how dare they expect me to, or even dare ask that of me? Assholes!
So ya, things don’t ever last long with my love interests, and as I said, I am sure its my fault for not being able to give my everything to them, even IF I feel like I have already given them my everything except that one part that belongs to Sasuke. So here I am pretending to be deliriously happy about my new love and I am, I really am, I’m hopeful it will work out this time, but still there is this muted part to my happiness that aches and yearns for the boy walking next to me oblivious of the pain in my heart every time I’m near him.
Every time I see Sasuke my heart soars. Every time he smiles I feel like my heart will burst, because they are so rare and I am the only one graced with that smile. Ya the teme thinks he doesn’t smile and that his smirk is as far as he goes, but he’d be surprised at how many times over the years he’s actually let a smile slip out when he thinks no one is watching, but I’m always watching him, and I see, I know and it fills me with this joy and warmth that makes me just want to hug him and hold him forever. Man I am such a chick.
God if Sasuke only knew what those eyes do to me when he looks at me. So what if I have to fake a smile and let my eye crinkle almost shut as I do so, so he wont see how much I love him, because those eyes of his seem to peer into my very being and I can’t afford to have teme see how much I need him, want him. So I pretend, I smile and I go about with life and hope that its enough, that maybe, maybe this time I wont wake up with tears on my pillow from the dreams of Sasuke, dreams where I am with Sasuke, dreams of him loving me as much as I love him. Just waking up, to find that it was all just a dream, not real at all, is enough to tear my heart into pieces and as much as I hate acting like the proverbial girl, I can’t help the anguished sobs or tears that pour from my soul.
So I play the part of the best friend and idiot blond he knows all too well and hope its enough to keep him from ever finding out how much just one look, one smile of his can brighten my day, or how just one harsh word from him can bring me to my knees. I talk to him and pretend that this knew love of mine is the one I have been looking for all my life, thee one, my soul mate, when even I know that he isn’t. I talk to him as we walk and hope that when I go home tonight I will finally put the image of his gorgeous face out of my mind enough to actually get some sleep tonight. I talk to him and yet pray inside my head, that someday I will actually be able to smile a real smile and mean it with all my heart and not feel like I’m dying inside.
Because its getting harder and harder to pretend, to talk, to walk, to be near him, and to just fake that every thing is okay and that my love for my best friend isn’t close to driving me insane. Everyday I pray and I wish on any star I can find, that I can survive another day being near him with out wanting to confess my love for him, because to tell him would be to loose him and if that ever happened then I might as well die right now. I would rather die of a broken heart with Sasuke still as my friend then with a shattered heart after he rejects me and never speaks to me again. But sometimes, sometimes its just so hard to fake a smile so he won’t see, just how much he means to me and how much his is slowly killing me. So I pretend and fake a smile.
　
　
-End-
　
　
AN-Sasuke crying in any way shape or form is not OOC people okay? I mean he does cry in the manga so its not unfeasible for it to happen here right? This was Inspired by the song “Tear Drops On My Guitar” By Taylor Swift, it doesn’t really even have anything to do with said song except a few parts that might have reminded you of it, but its really just something that came to mind after hearing that song over and over again. I hope I was able to convey the different POV’s and make it sound like they are two separate beings, hope I didn’t make them sound anything alike, except that they unknowingly feel the same for one another.

Any how this is a ONE SHOT, I have learned the hard way mind you that I do NOT do multi-chapters well, I usually start and then peter out before I finish them and I end up leaving them hanging. Anyway I do have a second part in mind but if I do decide to do it, I wont post it up till I have all the chapters at least written and fleshed out on paper so I can at least post the entire story with out making promises I cant keep, but I am NOT sure of that just yet hence the ONE SHOT. Anyway hope you enjoyed it on some level, reviews/responses would be cherished but are not necessary of course, I write for myself and if at least one person reads it, its enough for me. Thank you. Huggles and Smiles Mija.
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I Pretend