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He Understands	By : mayonakanisakayume Category: Naruto > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 930 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-He Understands
- 1
He Understands
mayonaka.ni
11.30.05
Disclaimer: Don't own it.

The darkness is the first thing he notices, so
dark it�s beginning to circle back towards light, and he is fairly certain he
shouldn�t be awake yet. But he is, blinking off the last vestiges of an already-fading
dream and trying to recall what dispelled it. He is reminded when that
disruption comes again, a single tap against the frame of the open bedroom
window. A silhouette, painted by the moon and the encroaching dawn, lithe in
its near-predatory crouch, shamelessly organic forms at harsh contrast with the
smooth lines of a sword �
Kakashi, clad in ANBU dress, is perched on the sill.

Bewildered, and not wholly sure he isn�t still sleeping, Iruka manages
a nod of permission; in an eerily smooth rearrangement, Kakashi is inside.
�Kakashi? What time is it?�
�Early.�
�How early?�
�You don�t want to know.�
More shadow than solid form, Kakashi is stepping closer; the pale
pre-dawn glow picks out the mask tied askew over his hair, finds the curves of
a costume Iruka has never seen him in before.
�What�s with the outfit?�
Kakashi has stopped approaching.
�They need a tracker for this mission. I�ve been reactivated.�
Suddenly, Iruka is very awake. And his chest hurts.

Iruka doesn�t want to understand this. He doesn�t want to know that
there is a reason ANBU is composed only of the most elite. He doesn�t want to
accept that theirs are the missions no one comes back from, or face what it
means that the higher-ups saw it necessary to call Kakashi back to service. On
nights like this, Iruka doesn�t want any of it.

�When do you leave?�
�Sunrise.�

It doesn�t matter what he wants. He understands.

The soft pajama slacks he had been wearing are somewhere near his
ankles, lost in the rough tangle of sheets at the foot of the bed, and it�s
getting harder to breathe. Kakashi is everywhere at once, pressed so close that
Iruka�s lost track of which frenzied heartbeat belongs to whom. There are lips
on his neck, his ear � his own, swallowing his gasp of the jounin�s name,
because there are things Kakashi doesn�t want to understand too. His hands are
callused from the blade he never asked to inherit, and his fingertips nearly
numb after a thousand bloodstained summonings, but all that matters now is that
they are on Iruka�s hips, warm and too fast.
His first and only pause comes with a pang of remorse, apologetic tone
at odds with the killer�s uniform he�s still half-wearing.
�I don�t have time to---�
�It�s all right.� Iruka has already braced himself, hands fisted in the
sheets and breaths struggling to even out. �I�m ready.�

He understands. He always does. And like always, for these few moments,
he tries his hardest to forget. Buries his head against Kakashi�s shoulder. Shuts
his eyes tight. Cries out just to drown the voices in his thoughts, the ones
that refuse to ignore the truth of it all. A pulse pounds just beside his ear,
as fast and rhythmic as the thrusts of the older man�s hips, and he clings to
that � clings to the audible reassurance that the tomorrow he has been dreading
for so long has not yet arrived. This shelter is nearer denial than optimism,
for he knows too well that much of Kakashi has already died, but he is
breathing hard and shuddery against Iruka�s neck and that is good enough.

They both knew what they were getting into, that time they bumped into
each other at the memorial and ended up in Iruka�s bed, playing at being alive
so they could forget the dead. Kakashi won�t tell Iruka he loves him because he
knows he�ll say it back, and then the reality they�ve been dodging will finally
catch them. Iruka won�t say it because jounin die young, and maybe keeping it
unspoken will save him from some of the grief of mourning a loved one when that
day comes.
They understand.

Kakashi is moving faster now and the sky is lightening. He�s desperate,
lips claiming every surface he can reach, hand stroking roughly between them,
and something in Iruka wants to beg him to stay. But to do that would expose
too many unwelcomed things, and so he merely clings tighter, nails marking
Kakashi�s back.
He groans Iruka�s name, and when they both come back to their senses,
Iruka has to pretend those aren�t his tears on Kakashi�s shoulder.

The sun is up and Kakashi is gone, leaving only a dusty footprint on
the windowsill and a dull ache at the base of Iruka�s spine. He didn�t ask
Kakashi how long he�d be gone, because he knows he wouldn�t answer � he did,
just once, and when that mission ended a week later than it should have, he
came home to an Iruka too visibly wearied by concern to face. He doesn�t know,
or doesn�t want to know, that after he�s left Iruka will ask anyways,
pressing the Hokage for details they both know she can�t disclose. She keeps
the promise Iruka begged from her and never tells Kakashi about this, because
she understands too.

Iruka endures the solitary weeks not by telling himself that Kakashi
will come back, but by pretending he never left at all. He leaves Kakashi�s
book right on the coffee table where he�d forgotten it, falls asleep wrapped in
the unchanged sheets that still hold his scent, and keeps the bedroom window
ajar no matter how cold the night gets.

When he eventually reappears there in the middle of another night,
jolting Iruka from a fitful sleep, neither of them say anything. Someone�s
blood is splashed against the moon-white ANBU armor; it�s still fresh enough to
drip, and it�ll stain Iruka�s floor. He lets him in anyways.

�Welcome home.�
Kakashi doesn�t say anything. He has been too inhuman for too long, a
ghost with no place in this living man�s home but one too weary to go anywhere
else.
He knows how lucky he is, though, when Iruka catches sight of the empty
hunger in his eyes and doesn�t even flinch. The chuunin is kissing him now,
trying to breathe life back into this spectre, and he nearly recoils for fear
the death running in his veins will somehow infect him. He will worry about
that the next morning, waking to watch the sleeping form nestled at his side
and wondering how much damage he�s done. But for now he needs that dose of
denial, needs to let himself be convinced that there is still something
unbroken within him, and he moves to coax Iruka back to the bed.
But he is already there, drawing Kakashi along and beginning quietly to
unfasten the bone-hued guards on his arms.
Because Kakashi needs him, and he needs Kakashi, and maybe he doesn�t
want to understand that.
But he does.
- 1
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He Understands