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August 20, 2008 at 12:00 AM
OMG this is great, I can't wait til the next chapter! When you do add to this, do you think that you could send me an email with the web address to let me know? the email is PotionsPet@hotmail.com
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August 11, 2008 at 12:00 AM
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FUCK! I need to know what happens next! Please write more, I love the interaction between Shika and Neji, and I'm going crazy pver here not knowing what's happening next!
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FUCK! I need to know what happens next! Please write more, I love the interaction between Shika and Neji, and I'm going crazy pver here not knowing what's happening next!
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August 9, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I really love this story. The plot is really good. I'm interested to know WHY Genma isn't a bastard and cheating when it's pretty much obvious he is, being with Shikamaru in the alley and what not.
Just to let you know, Hiashi specifically said, "-Hinata can't even defeat her sister, five years her junior." Hanabi is five years younger then Hinata, meaning if Hinata is 19, Hanabi is 14.
Though you may not care how old she is in the manga, so ignore that if you want xD
Just to let you know, Hiashi specifically said, "-Hinata can't even defeat her sister, five years her junior." Hanabi is five years younger then Hinata, meaning if Hinata is 19, Hanabi is 14.
Though you may not care how old she is in the manga, so ignore that if you want xD
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August 9, 2008 at 12:00 AM
This chapter was amazing! Can't wait for the next part ^_^
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August 9, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Nice^^
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July 21, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I'm from the US and I always thought having someone in your pocket meant... (wow, this is harder to explain than I thought)
like when a mobster has the police in his pocket. Is that not what it means?
Nevermind Ignore that.
Please update soon. :)
like when a mobster has the police in his pocket. Is that not what it means?
Nevermind Ignore that.
Please update soon. :)
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July 21, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Okay, I really like how this is going. It's very interesting. (Oh and I loved the humping and the pillow LOL read Prpl Grl's cold story too. It was good) You asked for us to give you any quick beta results and no, these are not glaring errors, but might save you and your beta some time. Sorry about the computer issue btw. I think I would have cried.
Oh god, though Neji, moaning (thought?)
Neji had spent hours wonder how (wondering?)
he squirted an exacting amount of lube to his palm (into his palm?)
and lie that helped him feel like it really was Shikamaru beneath him (a lie?)
locate Shikamaru and engage him is badly (in badly?)
Up to you if this one bothers you, but you switched from the past tense of the rest of the story to present tense and then back again after this (Neji doesn’t know why it’s so important that Shikamaru stop seeing Genma, but he’s sure it has something to do with it being a security risk to the village.)
He had not other options now. (no other?)
It was better then most (than most)
Neji recalls his conversation (recalled)
Shikamaru he though (thought?)
He believed that Shikamaru was an excellent War Leader, the Leaf had ever had. (this sentence is a little confusing... did you mean the best the Leaf had ever had. ?)
He believed in Naruto dream (Naruto's ?)
You can delete this if you want. Just wanted to help. Beta's are the best! I overtax mine... (my most recent WIP is epic in length and I miss a lot in my own review of it... Anyway, thought I'd help you and yours.
Keep writing, this was really good!
Oh god, though Neji, moaning (thought?)
Neji had spent hours wonder how (wondering?)
he squirted an exacting amount of lube to his palm (into his palm?)
and lie that helped him feel like it really was Shikamaru beneath him (a lie?)
locate Shikamaru and engage him is badly (in badly?)
Up to you if this one bothers you, but you switched from the past tense of the rest of the story to present tense and then back again after this (Neji doesn’t know why it’s so important that Shikamaru stop seeing Genma, but he’s sure it has something to do with it being a security risk to the village.)
He had not other options now. (no other?)
It was better then most (than most)
Neji recalls his conversation (recalled)
Shikamaru he though (thought?)
He believed that Shikamaru was an excellent War Leader, the Leaf had ever had. (this sentence is a little confusing... did you mean the best the Leaf had ever had. ?)
He believed in Naruto dream (Naruto's ?)
You can delete this if you want. Just wanted to help. Beta's are the best! I overtax mine... (my most recent WIP is epic in length and I miss a lot in my own review of it... Anyway, thought I'd help you and yours.
Keep writing, this was really good!
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July 21, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Hehe. Really good chapter! xD
You know, when I read the first line of this chapter, a smile spread to my face. xDD
I just immediately knew how Neji masturbated! xD
And I thought: ''Oh, Neji~!''. Humping is just made for him. :DD
It was really hot. 8D
Even though Hinata and Hanabi had made the cushion.. xD
Ah, but anyway.
Neji is a really good person. And a shinobi too!
He's thinking this ''Shika issue'' from every angle it's possible.
And he's trying to help. Even Raidou.
Genma really seems to be the ''bad guy'' in here. xD
..I dunno. You know the best, right? xD
I hope you keep writing an dupdate soon again!
I can't wait to read more!
You know, when I read the first line of this chapter, a smile spread to my face. xDD
I just immediately knew how Neji masturbated! xD
And I thought: ''Oh, Neji~!''. Humping is just made for him. :DD
It was really hot. 8D
Even though Hinata and Hanabi had made the cushion.. xD
Ah, but anyway.
Neji is a really good person. And a shinobi too!
He's thinking this ''Shika issue'' from every angle it's possible.
And he's trying to help. Even Raidou.
Genma really seems to be the ''bad guy'' in here. xD
..I dunno. You know the best, right? xD
I hope you keep writing an dupdate soon again!
I can't wait to read more!
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July 21, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Damn someone is going to try to kick Neji's ass for getting in their business. But it was a lovely story, can't wait to read more.
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July 21, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Hey there! I'm pretty lazy so I don't get to reviewing much. "I'll do it later" is my motto.
I must say though, after seeing that "credit" thing, I knew a review must be written!
I do have to admit, reading that scene, I was like, "Hey, that sounds familiar. Oh yeah! I had Neji doing that in 'Out In The Cold!'"
In all honesty, you really didn't have to credit me for it =^^= (you did make me blush) I'm sure a lot of people got tons of ideas from that story :P
But it is good to know that you're a reader of mine!
Anyway, you are doing a pretty good job so far.
I haven't seen a whole lot of ShikaNeji where the story is mostly from Neji's POV.
In that aspect, you are grasping his character in a pretty decent way.
Again, without actually seeing Neji Hyuga in that situation, it's hard to say what he would do.
The way you protray him is the funner way. Better than "stick-up-his-ass and does absolutely nothing" Neji.
I am curious as to what exactly is going on between Genma and Shikamaru.
My Shikamaru Nara is better than that!! Poor baby must be forced into doing it. DX
I must add that the sexual tension is driving me up the fucking wall!!
Again, really really good work!
I look forward to the next update.
Luv,
Prpl Grl
I must say though, after seeing that "credit" thing, I knew a review must be written!
I do have to admit, reading that scene, I was like, "Hey, that sounds familiar. Oh yeah! I had Neji doing that in 'Out In The Cold!'"
In all honesty, you really didn't have to credit me for it =^^= (you did make me blush) I'm sure a lot of people got tons of ideas from that story :P
But it is good to know that you're a reader of mine!
Anyway, you are doing a pretty good job so far.
I haven't seen a whole lot of ShikaNeji where the story is mostly from Neji's POV.
In that aspect, you are grasping his character in a pretty decent way.
Again, without actually seeing Neji Hyuga in that situation, it's hard to say what he would do.
The way you protray him is the funner way. Better than "stick-up-his-ass and does absolutely nothing" Neji.
I am curious as to what exactly is going on between Genma and Shikamaru.
My Shikamaru Nara is better than that!! Poor baby must be forced into doing it. DX
I must add that the sexual tension is driving me up the fucking wall!!
Again, really really good work!
I look forward to the next update.
Luv,
Prpl Grl