rate_review Reviews

i ablsolutely love this story!! the plot is so in depth and...beautiful. really, bravo bravo. so you must definitely update, please update!!!

I really hope that chapter 8 is not the end. I have to say this is a really good story. I love how she is the only person he has the strength to go to. I also like the fact that Moiya isn't a genius or what I consider a Mary-sue (I don't think my definition is the same as everyone else's).
As for constructive criticism, I really don't see anything wrong. I mean you have a few spelling mistakes, but they aren't so bad that I can't tell what they were suppose to be. As for grammar and punctuation, I was only good at it so I could pass High School and College English, and now with Microsoft Word, I'm even more lazy. So, I don't see a real problem that stops me from reading.
I do have a question though. How old is Kakashi in your story? There was a part in one of the chapters saying he had spent twenty years trying to regain his emotions or become human again and that Yondaime and Moiya were his teachers(thats not quit it, but I think it was in chapter 3 or 4) and then it said he had met Moiya after Obito had died. I think what I am trying to figure out is if its suppose to fit in the same timeline as the anime and manga.
So, to tell the truth, I love this story. I also find it awesome that you, a single mother, wrote a Naruto story. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being a single mother. I just think its great. I don't think I could say anything with out it sounding wrong, so I won't. I wouldn't have found this story if I hadn't started reading "Precious Gift" on fanfiction.net, which I love too. So I say keep it up; and if people have a problem with the contents of your story, they don't need to read it or feel the need to review.

This is an excellent story. However, my only criticism is regarding the mechanics of your writing style. When you have overly long paragraphs, with no obvious breaks, it becomes rather difficult to read. Punctuation is another issue...you need shorter sentences and correct punctuation. Finally, tense agreement...needs some work. When writing from the third person POV, you tenses need to indicate past tense (he saw, he had seen, etc.)for the story to flow better. I saw some minor errors regarding past tense POV but I have to admit, I was distracted by the paragraph lengths.

Please don't misunderstand the intent of my review. I assume that you know what "flaming" is in regards to fan-fiction writing. I am not a flamer...I like to share constructive criticism; especially when a piece has the potential to be a work of art. I would enjoy reading more of this piece. If you like, you may respond to the email address I have provided if you woul like for me to look over the chapter for errors prior to posting it for others to read.

Keep up the good work and I hope to hear from you soon.

Xenobia

excellent! can't wait for more. I really love the way that u emphasize how the deaths of his colleagues and friends have affedcted him to the point where he can't or has trouble forming close ties. Very good start. Please update soon.