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Reviews for Addicted

By : gypsybaby21
  • From SSjDiizoid on October 31, 2013
    Firstly, a thank you for the reviews of both Avenging a Wand's Loss and Ecstasy of the Mind. I wasn't expecting that and it was quite the nice surprise at the time. If I ever get around to writing that second chapter of Avenging, I'll definitely modify "manhood" into cock in the line you mentioned, as I don't think we're supposed to edit for such small things after a set period of time - doesn't it bump your story up to the front page again? I could swear I read something about that in the forums not so long ago.

    I've been waiting for more of Macabre so I could reply like this(and because I want to see what happens! Don't keep us waiting, please), and it just didn't occur to me to see what else you had written until this morning! So sorry for the long wait. And with that said, to the actual review for *this* story.

    In the opening paragraph, you use the word "immediately" three times. The second jarred me and the third the same. I'd suggest just cutting the second usage altogether as it reads fine without, and maybe substitute hurriedly in place of the third?

    Another "immediately" a short ways below, hm. Perhaps less noticeable if the middle-two are adjusted.

    Good reactions from both Naruto and Sakura so far. I like your explanation for why she is staying in his crummy apartment. Quick question - you mention her wearing a green button down shirt, but some ways down it is a white nightgown? Are the two overlapped and I'm just missing that fact?

    (“Naruto, look at me,” she whispered, but he refused, shaking his head, but the soft lulling of her voice was almost hypnotizing and he almost gave in.) Something about this sounds a bit jumbled. I'd suggest replacing the second but with yet.

    So, done with the first chapter. Not quite as easily hooked as with Macabre, but the interest *is* there. I'm liking Naruto and Sakura's interaction and the steady winding down of their inhibitions. By the time Naruto gives the line about her being toxic, it is really coming across that they're ready for each other.

    Chapter two; (thought raced through his mind *ashis* hips instinctually jolted forward and up, sliding his cock up her stomach.) Just a missing space between those two words in the asterisks.

    Usage of "lest" in place of left.

    My my, poor Naruto does not have much stamina when it comes to his little pink-haired goddess. Just a few looks, careful teasing, and he's ready to fire? Fair explanation for his eagerness and trigger-happy reaction, and when Sakura accepts it and takes the next step... yeah, this is definitely picking up speed and getting ready for some serious action.

    The dirty talk at the end was a nice addition.

    Chapter three; you have an awkward s attached to "forward" near the start.

    (All this and he still managed to stay seated deep *insider* her) Should be inside.
    (She let *out laugh*. “That was amazing!” She screwed her back around, lifting her upper body up to look at him, her face alight with happiness, glowing even. “I don’t think you have full control *of Kyuubi* either!”) missing both an a between out and laugh, and "the" before Kyuubi.
    (Her hips sagged down without him holding her up and she slid *of* the end of the bed like melted ice cream.) Should be off.

    Okay, editing/typos aside, good work here! Certainly imaginative on the positions those two settled into. I like the addition of the Kyuubi, and I don't really think that it feels tacked on or such. Probably the highlight of its life since being sealed in Naruto, can you imagine how much pent up lust it must have by now? I'd say go ahead and write a fourth and final chapter further into the timeline from here if you want to.

    Now that I'm looking at your other stories, I should be finding more to read and review from here. And if they're at least this good, I'll be quite happy to do so.
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  • From jrob on May 29, 2013
    i don't review many of these but i really want to know what happens next. you have wrote a beautiful story so far. i enjoy the characterizations. thank you for writing and i hope you update it soon.
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  • From AgentGv01 on May 12, 2013
    well chapter 2 was just a bit of leading up to the actual sex so I hope that's in the next chapter. I also hope you don't end this too quickly as like I said there isn't much for Naruto/Sakura stories. I do have plans for one of my own as they are a couple and explore their sexuality with each other but that's a bit off for now. I really can't wait for the next chapter of this and I do want to see where this story goes and if you'll go beyond just the sex scene.
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  • From 123rodx on May 12, 2013
    Awesome. can't wait for the next Chapter. Naruto really stole the show for me on the last chapter( been overwhelmed to finally have his beloved Sakura)I've been in those shoes. It's well written

    Thank you for a great Narusaku fanfic ( those are rare on this site ) so thx and keep going :)
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  • From Shigure-chan on February 17, 2013
    Hi! :) I just registered with aff and I love these NaruSaku stories, especially this one!

    I have read this chapter several times and I particularly like the sweetness of their reactions;

    It makes the story seem so realistic and I appreciate that even though the story has been concise,
    it doesn't feel rushed at all.

    If there is another chapter and/or lemon attached, I think it would be
    great to see Sakura take charge in the beginning: maybe some body worship, hair pulling, or something like that. The imagery you have already used of Sakura sucking on his thumb was a nice precursor for that I think.

    Also, I like the development of the couples' comfort level with proximity to one another, something I wish there was more of a chance for in the anime. But since it's a Shonen Jump one, Sakura would just beat the crap out of Naruto if he ever tried anything I think. LOL

    At any rate, if there is any steam left for this story, I would love to see a lemon for these two and hopefully more! Hope you had a nice Valentine's day. Later.

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  • From ANON - Da Nutt on January 27, 2013
    Damn, I was really getting into the NaruSaku hawtness!! MUST-READ-NEXT-CHAPTER!!!!!

    Thanks :D
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  • From AgentGv01 on January 01, 2013
    There aren't enough Sakura/Naruto stories on this site so it's nice to see another good one up here, I like how you took your time to try and set things up in the first chapter although a little more background here and there might have helped as it does go into things kind of rushed but this is a short story so I guess that comes with the territory. Still I do like the interaction in this and I look foreword to the rest of the story.
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