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Reviews for Hair Dryers

By : teiaiel
  • From ANON - Aleandri on December 15, 2005
    Very cute!! I think I missed the part where names are mentioned...But Naruto was there! And he was having "fun"!! Great job!!
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  • From ANON - ...Mrawr on November 24, 2005
    Just wanted to say I like the description in your story. The whole hair dryer being on the edge really sticks in your mind :)
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  • From ANON - Anonymous on November 04, 2005
    Even for something as abstract as this writing, this story as some possibilities. What hurts this fic the most, however, is that your descriptions, while a nice touch do not paint a clear picture for the mind's eye to visualize. As such, it makes the story confusing instead of enjoyable.

    A great many of your sentences run on to the point, that they end up being incomplete thoughts. Example:

    "He decided as he watched him lean, neck chewed and purpled, against the shelf of scented shampoos and bubbly soaps, a cruel reminder of the pair of excluded eyes that stared at them through the slits of closets and bookshelves."

    First part - 'He decided as he watched him lean....' Third part - '...against the shelf of scented shampoos and bubbly soaps...'
    Second part - '...neck chewed and purpled...'
    Fourth part - '...a cruel reminder of the pair of excluded eyes that stared at them through the slits of closets and bookselfs.'

    It is easy to see that 'He decided as he watched him lean against the shelf of scented shampoos and bubbly soaps...' is a part of a thought, however, at no point do you ever state WHAT he decided....

    ''...neck chewed and purpled...' - Whose neck? The person who is deciding, or the person who is leaning...

    And exactly what is ''...a cruel reminder of the pair of excluded eyes'?

    and how does this relate to '....the slits of closets and bookselfs.'?

    The relationship between half closed eyes, to slits of closets and bookselves (note the correct spelling), is so abstract as to be no relationship at all. Closets and bookshelves do not have 'slits' that even come close to what a person's eyes might look like. Whatever you were trying to express here, would have been better described in about three or four simple sentences that were complete and much more clear. The idea of being descriptive is a good one, but the frame of reference needs to be something that relates well enough to be visualized in your story.

    This story could do a whole lot better if you corrected for the incomplete thoughts and improved on your descriptions. If you ever rewrote this piece, I might be interested in re-reading it and even recommending it to friends.
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  • From ANON - x3Miyavi on October 27, 2005
    That was .. *ahem* interesting.
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  • From ANON - x3Miyavi on October 27, 2005
    That was .. *ahem* interesting.
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  • From ANON - Youkai Dreams on October 22, 2005
    Hello There!
    Hrm, I liked the concept of this piece, although the writing definatel could use improvement. There are endless grammar, spelling, puncuation, paragraphing, and more mistakes in here, lol. I can tell you want to emphasize some points, but there are much better ways that doesn't take away from your writing. You should correct them, or I can help you if you don't know what I'm talking about.

    Anyway, I really, really liked the hair dryer idea! I'm guessing they died cause it fell into the bathtub? I think you should put a bit more writing in-between the "the hair dryer was too close to the edge" things. Other than that, good (enough) job!
    -Youkai Dreams
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  • From ANON - silent laugh on September 30, 2005
    okay that was really good! I really like your style!!!!
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  • From ANON - Choister on September 28, 2005
    Ohh... I think I actually like this. Update, but be less abstract from now on, please.
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  • From ANON - Manda-Kun on September 26, 2005
    Oooh. I like it. How you keep repeating that phrase, and how everything was describe. I think it was a bit confusing, but you could sort your way through it. It think it sounded a lot like a poem.
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