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Reviews for Melting Ice

By : Demonicalangel
  • From ANON - aeryn on April 22, 2005
    First of all, I want to tell you that there IS a difference between flames and constructive comments. I've read the comments given and they AREN'T flames.

    flames are INSULTS that are directed towards you, with no proper backing and are worded patheticaly such as ("j00 r baD") or intended to hurt you.

    constructive comments are the reviews you've gotten and are merely there to help you improve your writing ability and story. They are helping you out. They are NOT reviewing just to hurt you, insult you, belittle you, ect

    now i'm speaking from experience, i've known some people who write just to garner some compliments from strangers without actually working diligently or without giving it some effort. please do not make this mistake. if you want to write and hope for encouraging comments, then please make a little effort instead of writing without using the right formats. a good fic does not just take an hour to complete. and i'm hoping you actually used at least 1 hour to work on your fiction. saying you're tired and have a writer's block isn't a good excuse. if that happens, then take a break and wait a few days before you post it up or do your work. there is no deadline in creating fanfics.

    please understand that i'm not trying to hurt you nor is this a flame. i'm hoping you take my comments lightly and use it for future use and not suddenly break down or quit. i'm sorry if this upsets you but i honestly believe that you should try to learn from your mistakes and accept some comments humbly.
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  • From ANON - yukiko on April 21, 2005
    nice story there, in my opinion. don't mind the flames, some people are just ass.
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  • From ANON - Mayzen on April 03, 2005
    Very interesting. I can't wait for the next chapter as soon as you get past your mental block. I know how those suck up to high heaven. well later
    ~Mayzen
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  • From ANON - kitsune on April 02, 2005
    ...Well, the plot is all good, but I can't really understand it... I mean, the POVs switch from using 'I' to 'you' ... It's just plain weird, and at one point I didn't know who you were talking about... and what's with the quotation marks? They shouldn't even be there.. except for when the characters talk or think. The format is messed up. I'm not saying to give up, you just have to read more, and you will get the idea about how the format works. It's easy, really. Here's an example:


    You wrote:
    ‘That baka…how could he not know about the party what had happened the previous night!’ “‘There was a party last night but I’m guessing you weren’t invited to it.” ‘Naruto looks at you and smiles one of his trademark smiles what rarely fell from his face. How can that dobe smile about not being invited to a party? He is truly an idiot…but an idiot that I like’ ‘Naruto starts to say something’ “What me not invit…oh I get it…why they didn’t invite me” ‘Naruto looks at the ground quickly losing that big grin he always wore then he says something’ “oh well I guess it can’t be helped about that” ‘ Naruto just grins again’ “Maybe next time.” ‘He says and you feel sorry for him knowing that the adults hate him and would most probably never allow him in their houses’

    I would write:
    'That baka... how could he not know about the party that had been thrown the previous night!'

    "There was a party last night but I'm guessing that you weren't invited to it," I explained. Naruto looked at me and smiled one of his trademark smiled that rarely fell from his face.

    'How can that dobe smile about not being invited to a party? He is truly an idiot... but an idiot that I like.'

    "What? Me not invit... Oh, I get it… Why they didn’t invite me...” Naruto looked at the ground, quickly losing that big grin he always wore. He then continued to speak. "Oh well I guess it can’t be helped." Naruto just grinned again.

    “Maybe next time,” he said. I looked at him, feeling rather sorry for him knowing that most of the adults hate him and would probably never allow him in their houses.


    See the difference? I'm really sorry if I butchered your fic or something, this is just how I would write it. It may look really different on the surface, but the meaning is still the same. So, like I said before, don't give up just because some people (like me) critiscize your fic. It's completely good plotwise, you just need to work on the way you ...present... the fic, for the lack of a better word. I think that you should get a beta, and while you're at it, you can read some good fics here on aff.net. It really helps, even if you don't notice. I recommend Spartan Ninjas and Spiral Falling, they are both wonderful fics, and are definitely worth your time reading.

    BTW sorry if I sound really preachy in there. I'm usually not like this... Anyway, good luck on your fic! Also please note that this is NOT a flame, I'm just trying to help. I'm sorry if I offended you in any way, and feel free to ignore this if you want to.
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  • From ANON - Sasurin on March 31, 2005
    okay, i want to give some suggestions. Your format is kinda messed up. If you say it's a POV, then you have to keep the character as the "I". You keep switching to "you". Then, the sentences are messed up. Why are they all in quotes and without proper capitalization and punctuation? You should add more detail into paragraphs and make separate paragraphs when different people are speaking. Only put qyotes on things that are being said. Here's an example of how I'd change something::

    ‘I walked down to the meeting place for our team and saw Sasuke leaning against the hand railing being the cold bastard he always was and ignoring Sakura-chan’ ”Hey Sakura- chan“ ‘you shout loudly, Sakura looks at you.’ “ Not so loud” ‘ she says’ “ I have a hangover form last nights party “ “ Huh? What party?” ‘You ask sounding a little stupid’ “ I didn’t know about any party!”

    ---Here's how I'd write that.

    I slowly walked down to the bridge, where my team met for training. There, I saw Sasuke leaning against the hand railing, being the cold bastard he always is, and ignoring Sakura-chan. "Hey, Sakura-chan!" I shouted loudly.

    Sakura looked at me. "Not so loud," she said. "I still have a hangover from last night's party."

    I looked at her, confused. "Huh? What party? I don't know about any party."

    ------

    Okay, something like that but add in more describing words. Also, try to stick to the same tense. At one point you say "I walked" and another you say "You shout". The first is past tense, while the second is present tense. Also, try to develop some kind of plot in the first chapter. I can say this whole chapter in one sentence. "Naruto found out he wasn't invited to a party that happened the night before and Sasuke felt sorry for him." There should be more point to it. Give the characters emotion and characteristics. This is NOT a flame, I'm simply giving suggestions. If you want to make a chapter short, still try to make it strong and affective. You make it sound like it's written by an 8-year-old or someone who never studied grammar. Try reading some other fanfiction around. See their formats. Here it's just hard to keep focused on what's going on. Try to make this more exciting to read. I can be your beta if you want.
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  • From ANON - Rachel Dracon on March 30, 2005
    You have an alright start there plot-wise, but for Hell's sake, get someone to read through your stories before you post them, to check for grammar. Fuck, get two people, believe me, you need it, I was actually unable to finish the chapter because of the grammar. If you refuse to get a person or two to read through your story for corrections, at least look out for switching points of view, saying 'I do something,' and 'You do something,' are indeed two different points of view. Also, large paragraphs are a huge turn off for reading, makes you want to skip the majority of it, try to cut a new paragraph every four or five sentences. I'm not, in any way, telling you to give up or quit, just take an English class, or get some help; trying reading it yourself, and see if it sounds alright.
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  • From ANON - T.K-kun on March 30, 2005
    you need to update more!! it looks as though it's heading into an alright direction. =) update soon!
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