Reviews for The Lone WandererBy : BigE2955 |
Wouldn't Sasuke be able to admit, at least in confidence, to Kakashi that he's the father of Rias' child?
Also, wouldn't Yugao be on birth control as established earlier in the fic as general kunoichi policy?
Just a couple of very minor plot holes I thought I'd point out.
Beyond that, overall this is good.One thing I constantly craved when reading this is that sense of emotional intimacy. Rias and Sasuke might not be at the level of destined love, but it's very clear she loves him and his actions show affection (kissing her, looking after her, ect rather than just pump and dump).
I would like to see going forward into the Remaster that you play this angle a little more. Not necessarily in expliclty Sasuke/Rias terms, but just in general. Once Sasuke conquers a girl, or whatever, we should be able to experience affection. This would be doubly so in the case of total cock sluts like you tell me you plan to turn Sakura into. Drooling about dick is meh, but expressing a deep rooted adoration that a broken slave might have for a master is something else. You got pretty close to this ideal when you wrote Rias' feelings towards Sasuke, and I'd like to see that shown more commonly and explored more deeply.
Good as usual, though I have to say I GREATLY prefer the way you're handling Haku in the Remaster. One thing I tend to dislike in harem fics is that most people don't devote any time to giving individual girls a character arc of their one. It's just the protagonist dropping their pants and seducing people by the sole power of cock. It gets tiring, especially when for a minimal amount of effort you can change things so there's a 'reason' for that even if functionally the story is the same.
Gg Sasuke, don't cause a diplomatic incident.
Lowkey, I feel these are some of the best chapters in the story. Sasuke is just out and out accepting himself at this point as being a harem master and explicitly claiming girls. I dig that. It's my jam.
Sasuke, you must protecc Rias' smile >:[.
That aside, I think this chapter - while I disliked Rias as the target of Sasuke's ire - actually does raise a pretty good point. Jealousy on behalf of the various girls has been pretty absent, minus a few minor bits between the Kumo trio that one time. In the Remaster I think I'd like to see jealousy on behalf of those girls who have upgraded to real romantic affection. I doubt someone like Anko would care that Sasuke is running around building a harem, but once Naruko realizes she likes Sasuke I doubt she'd see it as being entirely kosher. A lot of potential with this plotline I think.
As for Rias in particular, I don't know what to say. On the one hand she comes from a society that institutionalizes harems. So she's not going to attack on grounds of fidelity. If you want to keep this situation similar in th Remaster you can make it more lore friendly by basing the conflict in Rias' jealousy. Canonically she doesn't like it when Issei chases after other girls even if she rationally accepts it, so some hostility on her part without her outright telling Sasuke he's 'her boyfriend' or something similar could achieve the same end.
I think that I lacked appreciation for this chapter because I experienced it solely within the context of reading the series from basically start to finish. BEST GIRL RIAS didn't really seem to get treated all that differently from anyone else, so I felt underwhelmed and only really noticed the things the scene didn't have.
Approaching it this time with a more open and less stressed mind I suppose, I find myself with a new appreciation for this. All the little details came together to paint a very good portrait of Rias. We get her initial arrogance and a portrayal of strength, which proceeds to her general good nature and inexperience with the reality of hard living. I actually loved the note about how she tries to help him set up camp but because she's not sure what to do her fumbling makes it take longer. A lovely little flaw that makes her feel more real.
And of course, the lewds. It was a great scene all around and I can notice the development you've undergone from the first chapter to the current one. Also my own biases of course. Had a good laugh at that offhand comment about how much smaller Issei is. You captured her adventurism combined with inexperience, so we know what Rias wants and see she's willing to explore but also get that note of her note quite managing to hold it together like a more experienced girl would.
Then that bit about Sasuke deciding to claim her. Triggers my gud feels. My personal preference is male power dynamics in smut and a determination to claim amd conquer uncharted territory and preventing any other man from getting involved. Sasuke's claim was thus exactly my ideal.
This made me think of a possible point for the remaster. Sasuke here just seduces TenTen without a second thought. What if he does that with some girl in the remaster and she's NOT on birth control?
The first few times I didn't care for thus chapter because we've seen the Kumo girls quite a bit in comparison to everybody else. Especially Samui. Hinata is also such a basic common waifu that it's hard to get excited for smut about her.
But it's a case if hidden gems I suppose. I hadn't noticed it the first few times but I really appreciate Hinata's internal perception of Naruko and Sasuke's relationship. It paints her almost as a masochistic cuckqueen voyeur and is something that would be interesting to see expanded on in the remaster.
Even the Kumo girls were enjoyable this time though, especially Karui showing some of that old fire and getting promptly taken control of. The admission of belonging is always noice to see.
Hana and Tsume aren't really for me, but to each their own. They reminded me of Kiba though, which makes me wonder about the rewrite. Assuming Kiba isn't genderbent and thotted wouldn't there be some drama fallout from Sasuke fucking both his sister and his mom? I don't mean you have to make him a cuck, but accounting for the feelings of other characters like that would improve plot in the rewrite. Thoughts?
M E I
E
I
Finally getting some dere from Tsunade as well. She always seems to resent Sasuke so it's hard to get into the scenes as compared to the other girls..
Call this a quibble but where my flat chested girls at? Everyone is always shapely with large tits. We need lithe waifus now.
As usual, best girl Naruko steals the show. I'd caution against having more than say two girls in a single chapter because Samui and Ino both felt like side shows even though this was also supposed to be Ino's proper introduction.
Was glad to see proper Anko action. She gets top marks for kinky. And speaking of kink, I had the thought about maybe branching out in fetishes a bit more on the second round through. Maybe through in some proper BDSM, or exhibitionism, or pet play.
Fox girl Naruko would get top points.
As usual, best girl Naruko steals the show. I'd caution against having more than say two girls in a single chapter because Samui and Ino both felt like side shows even though this was also supposed to be Ino's proper introduction.
Was glad to see proper Anko action. She gets top marks for kinky. And speaking of kink, I had the thought about maybe branching out in fetishes a bit more on the second round through. Maybe through in some proper BDSM, or exhibitionism, or pet play.
For girl Naruko would get top points.
I don't know what it is. I don't even really like Tsunade but for some reason when you do it I'm left craving. I'm searching for the mythical dere and crying from the tsun.
Mei is Mei, always a hot little piece of candy. I'll be glad to come back around for the later loop. I always feel a bit teased since I'm always left wanting more of best girls. But there's little that can be done about that since it wouldn't be much of a harem fic if it was just ten chapters straight of Mei.
Reading this Konan scene actually gave me ideas for the rewrite. One thing I think rarely gets enough play is just how *alternative* she is, in the fashion sense. If there was ANYONE that would have a pierced belly button or pierced nipples or a pierced clit or pierced tongue it would be her. Going forward maybe you can throw some of those in the description of her and even give them some play in the smut.
I myself have thought deeply on which girls wear what kind of panties and how they shave (if at all) their nether regions. Just keeping in mind and noting those small details adds lotsa flavor.
Something I found very original in this fic was how you wrote Kiri. I just noticed it as a throwaway but you made it beautiful. Everyone always turns it into this gloomy shithole where the sun never shines and where it's mist amd poverty everywhere.
But where I was expecting a dystopia you gave me Venice. Canoes and colours and canals. If I ever write a Kiri scene in one of my fics I'll try to remember to use that. Ace m8 8/8.
While AFF and its agents attempt to remove all illegal works from the site as quickly and thoroughly as possible, there is always the possibility that some submissions may be overlooked or dismissed in error. The AFF system includes a rigorous and complex abuse control system in order to prevent improper use of the AFF service, and we hope that its deployment indicates a good-faith effort to eliminate any illegal material on the site in a fair and unbiased manner. This abuse control system is run in accordance with the strict guidelines specified above.
All works displayed here, whether pictorial or literary, are the property of their owners and not Adult-FanFiction.org. Opinions stated in profiles of users may not reflect the opinions or views of Adult-FanFiction.org or any of its owners, agents, or related entities.
Website Domain ©2002-2017 by Apollo. PHP scripting, CSS style sheets, Database layout & Original artwork ©2005-2017 C. Kennington. Restructured Database & Forum skins ©2007-2017 J. Salva. Images, coding, and any other potentially liftable content may not be used without express written permission from their respective creator(s). Thank you for visiting!
Powered by Fiction Portal 2.0
Modifications © Manta2g, DemonGoddess
Site Owner - Apollo