I told a friend I’d review this story, so I’ve read chapters 1,2, and 27. Here goes. The main issues overall are keeping characters in character and editing. Editing is a good thing. Spell check is useful. It’s helpful to write something, set it aside, and then go back over it for clarity and consistency.

Chapter 1

For example, Anko’s restraint suit is alternately described as leather and latex. Naruto is described as calmly doing paperwork, but he has a woman (Anko) sitting on his lap, so that’s physically impossible. It’s impossible for the reader to get a clear visual image of what’s going on when there are such blatant contradictions.

Ino is described as a girl even though this is the time period where Naruto is Hokage, which means she’s an adult woman in her late twenties, not a little girl.

You also tell instead of show with passive voice. Try active voice instead. Get rid of “She could hear…” and “She could smell…”.

The best part, writing wise, is your description of Ino’s thought process while she’s peeking through the door. It gives some insight to her shock and frustration.

Chapter 2

I really hate this chapter. Sasuke, Naruto, and Sakura are all way out of character from canon. Even if we accept the premise that they all went along with this bet and Naruto won, the subsequent rape scene makes no sense. (It’s also really poorly written rape smut, but that’s a more in-depth conversation than I have time for at the moment) If Sakura and Sasuke lose the bet, it makes more sense for her to acquiesce and be shocked that she likes the way Naruto makes her feel. You touch on the idea of the kunoichi being a natural whore, but then portray Sakura as a cold fish during foreplay. It’s kind of hard to tell that it’s foreplay. Is it rape? Is it consensual? It’s murky and her reactions don’t match her actions at all.

More problems with physical inconsistencies. Naruto is supposedly spanking her ass while simultaneously fucking her up against a tree. There’s a tree trunk in the way. He could slap a different body part or turn her around against the tree. Which, the tree itself is good descriptive fodder. Is she getting splinters? Is the pain of tree bark scraping her skin affecting her responses? There’s a lot more you could be using in this scene.

More problems with passive voice.

The only redeeming factor in this chapter is your use of Sakura’s inner voice. It lends some humor value to the chapter.

Chapter 27

There are definite improvements in your writing at this point. I’m still not fond of the changes you’ve made to Naruto’s personality, but from a straight writing standpoint, this is better.

There are still spelling and grammar issues. Spell check is a helpful tool; editing is a good thing.

You do a good job of illustrating Ino’s decline from happy housewife to shameless hussy. Showing her utter depravity by having her think of her future daughters as potential harem members is quite provocative.

Having Sakura and Hinata waiting impatiently and properly trained is a nice touch.

At this point, your writing is much better, but the ongoing issue of Naruto’s character is difficult to reconcile. He’s so far away from canon at this point; I have no real suggestions on how to fix that other than saying next time you write a fic, please don’t completely change a character’s personality to fit a story trope. You’ve basically put Naruto’s name and appearance on Sasuke’s character.

It’s confusing to see “Naruto” followed by something completely out of character for him. Maybe tag it as AU with “what if Naruto was callous and mean instead of a nice guy”?

So I decided to go back and read some of your earlier stuff now that the Onsen series seems done. And wow... I mean... wow... At this point I think this story could benefit from a few re-writes and a change in the order of chapters.

I am really glad you have improved as a writer. Between the actual smut and your characterization of Naruto things have improved ever since you cam back from your hiatus. I am also really glad that this was the first smut fic I ever read because I don't think I could have gotten past the first few chapters otherwise. It isn't just about whether or not they are bad, it's just that it is a really bad introduction to your universe.

There is a reason why the majority of smut fics begin with the main character's first steps towards building a Harem. Seeing the character slowly change and evenutally become a Harem Sex God gives us some form of investment. Instead, here we are immediately thrown into the deep-end with Naruto shamelessly fucking Anko in his office where anyone could walk in with his wife licking his balls. It is a huge departure from the Naruto everyone is familiar. And even as far as your story overall goes. It is easily one fo the more extreme settings.

We don't get to actually make a connection between canon Naruto and your Naruto or have an insight into the journey that made him who he is until your Tsunade and Hinata chapters. I really think the Hinata chapters should have been the first ones. Simply because actually knowing why Naruto is the way he is, and seeing the process of him and Hinata agreeing to his extra-marrital pursuits makes sense. It is also a logical place to start smut wise because those are your most vanilla chapters by far, allowing you to slowly crank up the intensity of your scenes.

Another thing, character wise, is that a lot of the girls would benefit from either having more attention given to their transformation or from simply not being mindless sex slaves in the end. THe problem with mindless sex slaves is that ultimately they feel interchangeable. Hanabi was said to be one Naruto's "special girls" but we don't see anything in her characterization that makes her any different from the other Hyuuga girls he fucked. Sakura and Ino also feel interchangeable despite the fact that Naruto obviously has a lot more emotional bagage with Sakura.

Looking back now, Sakura should really have been the one to get the 9 chapters treatment because she is by far the one who goes through the biggest journey out of all the girls. She went from being hopelessly in love with Sasuke, to relunctantly liking Naruto's dick, to battling between her feelings for the two, to liking Naruto for more than just his dick, to now being fully and completely his while also being disgusted at the idea of being with Sasuke.

And about the order of your chapters. I do like the idea of them not being in chronological order. Allows you to do some fun stuff, but there still should be some sort of narrative order or connection between them. The addition of each chapter should be building towards something otherwise you might as well just make them a series of one-shots and short stories that aren't connected. Per example, your opening chapter is an outlandish situation involving Anko and Hinata, with Ino walking in. I am assuming Naruto purposefully let Ino walk in because of Sai asking him to fuck his wife. The problem is that it takes until Chapters 8 (Onsen 3), 16 (Alley - Anko),  and 22 (HInata) for all the pieces to be put together for the readers to even understand the circumstances behind that scene. This wouldn't so much of a problem, if once again it wasn't for the fact that there is some Out Of Character behaviour from the people involved. Naruto is a womaniser who views Anko as a glorified fleshlight, the confident and flirty Anko is suddenly a submissive cum-dump hopelessly thrusting herself onto him, the loud and brash Ino is left stammering like a blushing maiden, and the shy and innocent Hinata is calmly licking his balls as if nothing was wrong. The shock factor itself is interesting, but it needs some more "meat" to it in order to hold. And said meat sadly arrives way too long after.

Ultimately, I still like your stuff because of a mix of nostalgia from this being my first smut fic and thefact that your scenes are genuinely fun. But looking back it is clear how much your grew as a writer, and how much you can still grow. I look forward to seeing more of that growth in your Samui or Kurenai chapters, while also hoping that maybe you might revisit your old chapters and change their order.

Alright I'm done.

I don't want to read a shitty fic and leave reviews complaining about it. It's garbage, it stopped being funny about four chapters ago, and I have no desire to subject myself to truly epic levels of cringe for another 16 chapters.

I don't understand how this got to be so popular. The plot is all over the fucking place with your flashforwards and flashbacks, which gives no sense at all of continuity. The smut is stale and essentially just the exact same thing over and over and over with a palette swap. The characterization is ridiculous and gives no sense whatsoever of progression in anyone's development.

I could literally plot a chapter of this in thirty seconds. Let's see, Naruto decides he's hungry one day and goes for ramen, Ayame is turned on by the scent of THE ALPHA, and then they go out back and fuck because he dropped a cheesy one-liner and gave her a soulful gaze with his baby vlues. Ayame becomes a loyal mindbroken slut at the mere sight of his magnifcent cock and he thinks about how he did it again and now has to fit another worthless cocksleeve in his fuck-schedule.

There ya go. A pre-canned Kage Sexbomb chapter. Write it up you disgraceful retard.

This is the Hyuuga chapter again. For fuck's sake, come up with something new or don't write a chapter at all. It's not enough just to do the exact same thing over and over and change the characters around. You need to learn to revamp your plots. If you did something and wanted to do something similar, then make some change before doing that.

Like take this shitstorm of a chapter. Instead of Naruto just walking in and breaking everyone with his ALPHA DICK just like you already did with the Hyuuga, flip the situation over on him. Instead of Naruto pursueing them, he's pursued and even nearly overwhelmed by this clan of alpha bitches.

I love the juxtaposition of Naruto asserting that he's generally a morally upright individual, doing what he can to 'free' and 'help' various women in his own way, while in both his thoughts and theirs' they admit that the sexual relationship they have is based around throwing away all sense of morality.

Straighten your fucking hero out brother. Either just accept that he's an abusive rapist or align his actions with that of an actually moral individual.

"Yes, Heirarch-sama!"

Who the fuck is this guy?

I was reading this chapter and i had a thought. How is it that you can have Naruto state that he loves his various women when he just continuously treats them like disposible tissues? Contempt like that is the opposite of affection.

I'm just not sure why. What's the actual point of this? I mean I guess you enjoy the Sasuke-bashing, but you've already done this chapter before. It's literally just you taking a second go around of the exact same scenario for the sake of what - bashing Sasuke while turning Naruto into a lowrent version of him and then thinking that it makes Naruto particularly complex or deep?

Listen to me. There are good ways and bad ways to write netorare/cuckoldry. The good way generally preserves the characterization of the various individuals involved and develops it properly. The bad way is conjuring up ridiculous situations while you make constant references to alphas and giving every single woman in the universe the singular trait of being an easily broken slut.

I could take a steaming shit on the floor and it would be a better smutfic than this.

I honestly think this chapter is the most hilarious of the entire fic. I mean don't get me wrong there are a lot of goofy plots that you've done so far but this one takes the cake.

In a smut fic I can take bare bones porn with little plot. I can take unrealistic characterization. But there are lines that once crossed transform the fic from 'cheap but guiltily enjoyed porn' to 'an epic clusterfuck of satire proportions',

Just... why? What was going through your head when you sat back and said "Hmnmm, what should this chapter be about? I know, Naruto decides to defeat the entire Hyuuga clan and simultaneously claim some fifty odd women as his personal cum dumps!" Like THAT is edge brother.

I know this first chapter is a relic from nearly three years ago, but I'm still going to judge it just as I would any other chapter. And it is a bad first chapter -- devoid of sense, good writing, or any sort of 'hook' that ought to be there for a story that is one of the most reviewed stories on AFF in recent memory.

The grammar is... passable. Not good, not decent, not adequate -- passable. It's to the point where I noticed numerous errors, and anyone with a tenth grade education would notice quite a few of them, but it's not horrific. That's something at least.

But what is this chapter?

It's so... bad.

It feels like the first scene of a much longer chapter, but it's the first chapter. This is all there is. Ino walking in on Naruto banging Anko -- omg, his cock is so big, me so horny, then she walks out and already considers NTRing her husband.

Anko is just so random in this too; it's kind of sad. I have no idea why she's here -- she's just thrown into the chapter, devoid of any dialogue, to be a pussy for Naruto to fuck. That's it. There's no clarification, no build up, not even a smidge of 'hotness'. It's not even good smut either -- she's just there, bouncing up and down on a cock. I'm sure that's good smut to some people, but for anyone with an actual sense of taste, you'll need a hell of a lot more than that.

The most amusing part to me is this whole thing you start where Naruto is 'uninterested' in sex, or basically just has sex with people while focusing on other stuff. Yes, oh my, he's so 'alpha' for that. It's also contradictory, since he abruptly shifts from being addicted to sex to being 'iuninterested' on the turn of a dime.

Not to mention how shitty Hinata is in this. Seriously -- Hinata allows this, does this, goes along with this? Licking Naruto's balls while he fucks Anko? That's pathetic. You need buildup to this kind of stuff, not just throwing it in our faces. Hinata is a demure, shy, conservative housewife. You can't just force her to be a slut from the first chapter because you're too much of a lazy cunt to develop her into what she is in this chapter.

And I haven't even started on how annoying, boring, and lackluster the 'Anko is a total sex crazed bitch' trope is. Then again, this fic is basically a collection of smut tropes, so whatever.

Even by NTR standards this is poor. What kind of NTR starts within five minutes of the first chapter? It doesn't -- good NTr is about the exact opposite of this. Even by dom/sub standards this is bad... as mentioned by the lack of any sort of buildup to this, not to mention Naruto acting horrendously out of character to the point where he's, ironically, basically a ripoff of Sasuke in this scenario. Which I find hilarious.

There's my review for the first chapter. Cheers!

" with a worn out, gaping cunt"

Lovely visual. Shall we we talk about her dragging beef curtains as well?

"Sometimes with an audible queef, other times quiet, this whore jettisons whatever melange of fluids are sloshing within her polygamous cavern. It's not unusual to spy spotty trails and blood tinged puddles wherever the posterior of the sexually liberated Hyuuga Hinata has rested."

WEW

Oh man, I just had a good laugh at this entire chapter. It's such top tier bad-doujin level that I can't even take it seriously. Was this meant to be a parody?

I mean I guess props that Naruto beats up Sasuke and then basically rapes Sakura into submission. Reminds me of that one classic where Naruto travels back in time, becomes Madara, and then proceeds to burn Fugaku in front of his wife and then fucks her right next to the burned corpse. Then he proceeds to fuck his own mother, turns his own father into a paraplegic and also fucks Tsunade and becomes best friend with Orochimaru.

Gonna move my reviews here.

From a roughly technical perspective this wasn't bad. There weren't any glaring grammar problems. A few spelling issues here and there but eh, it is what it is.

The problem is everything else.

"Yeah, a man like that needs enough whores to settle his appetite down. "

LMAO, what is this? It reads like a bad porno. Not only does it not make sense because Naruto seems to be totally disengaged from sex (therefore, WHAT APPETITE) but it's such a cringe level assertion.

Also why the constant references to sluts? Naruto sluttily slapped his slut's slutty ass and it gave a slutty clap. Mix it up lad.

Awesome chapter cant wait for more hopefully ino is not only one getting pregnant by naruto 

Always great to see you update!!! I’d love to see some new sakura chapters, but as always i’ll be glad no matter what’s girl you choose next. I also hope the lack of other new naruto stories on this site doesn’t discourage you. You still have a hell of a fan base and we’d hate to see you go :)