still waitting on  

Sarada Uchiha

Tenten

Temari

Moegi Kazamatsuri

Samui

Ayame

Hana Inuzuka

Mabui

Mebuki Haruno

but great as always

You know, for a writer of hardcore sexy times, you’ve got a real knack for writing really sweet and genuine character moments. I saw a lot of it in your Hinata chapters, and I’m seeing it a lot here too. Much kudos on your writing ability. 

Youre having the interaction with Kurenai much sooner than I expected you would, but she does technically offer something much different than the other girls so far. And seeing Naruto being blunt and bullheaded, but actually focusing it this way really helps show hisgrowing talents towards being a leader. 

Super surpised to see a new chapter, but not at all unwelcome. 

You should check out HF at some point. I can think of a few fics in those fandoms that would probably be right up your ally. 

To BigE2955:

Jesus fucking Christ just stfu for real man you’re just some broke ass Sasuke fan boy making money off of Naruto fanfics. Btw I read your fanfic “Naruto’s fetish” and I gotta say that your comment makes you a hypocrite as always. You got a problem with hinata letting naruto bang every kunoichi and even joins in and yet you don’t have a problem when your boyfriend sasuke is fucking other girls along with Sakura. Even in your story you have hinata  fucking sasuke while still married to naruto and she tells him she still loves naruto but her body belongs to Sasuke

just stfu like I said last time if sasuke was the main character you would’ve already fapped to it 

Well, seeing that for some reason you’re being bombarded with troll reviews because you bashed Sasuke or something, how about an actual one?

This chapter isn’t my favorite, but it’s still well written and a good continuation of this particular storyline. I do appreciate that Naruto realizes he fucked up there with the love thing, even though I can recognize why it happened in the heat of the moment. I’m going to guess that a bit later one he realizes he kinda threw one of his friends under the bus there, even if they made this agreement in the first place. 

Your love for Ino really shows in the chapters you right about her, they seem like they have a bit more thought put into them. Not that I’m saying you’re other chapters don’t, far from it. Just that I can see your enjoyment in writing Ino stuff. 

Looking forward to see what follows, my favorite chapters have easily been the him and Hinata ones(just because of the way you see him interact with Hinata that’s different from the others) as well as that no-porn chapter simply because it was an interesting look into this version of Naruto’s world. Which AGAIN, certain people seem to ignore the rules you set up for the world just to flame you. But it’s their lives, I guess. I do enjoy the petplay stuff that’s in the Inazuka chapters too  loved to see some more of that  

If you don’t mind me asking, what other fandoms are you interested in writing stories for? I know you mentioned Eva, but are there any others you’ve had ideas for?

Justwanted to make sure you got some actual reviews in here while the whole flaming is going on. Have a good one!

@BigE2955

 

You can only be kidding. Are you mocking that this story does not make sense? I need to remind you that you made Naruto do a blowjob on Sasuke in Naruto's Fetish? That Hinata in one chapter loves Sasuke, and in another she already changes of idea and returns to love Naruto. That Naruto let Sasuke have sex with his own daughter. You make practically the same mistakes, but with a better grammar. And you still get paid at Patreon to make lemons and Sniper has never asked for a cent for readers.

Since when did you turn in Oscar Wilde? To criticize the work of others with that tone of superiority? This is a lemon, if you do not like do not read.

Certainly this story has problems, but is one of the best posted here. And it's not you or your little friends who will say otherwise.

* Thunderous applause *.
What a great chapter, or should I say final (?) For Ino.
Very, very good
It makes you want to read about the future with Ino's daughter, LOL.
-And in terms of what I wanted to say, it is the number of people / readers who leave opinions / comments, comparing other stories with fewer chapters.
-In another point do not pay attention to the flamers, hatters, and trools that only know how to fuck and ruin the humor and the desire of the writer. They only bother because they do not like how the story goes or their favorite character is denigrated. With this last one you know who I'm talking about ...

Waiting for the continuation.

Ino is fucking gorgeous, I agree. Are you going to do another Boruto timeline one? Like with Sarada? Also well written chapter my guy. Any Kurenai or other MILF chapters? Also are you ever going to do a Moegi chapter? Like a loli chapter series? That would be awesome. Also more mother daughter threesomes are great. Just me ranting sorry. Great writing so keep it up. Farewell for now

Did you check out the Discord yet? Also, how will Naruto's kids be raised in the future?

Man i love this story, now who is naruto going to knock up next?

I told a friend I’d review this story, so I’ve read chapters 1,2, and 27. Here goes. The main issues overall are keeping characters in character and editing. Editing is a good thing. Spell check is useful. It’s helpful to write something, set it aside, and then go back over it for clarity and consistency.

Chapter 1

For example, Anko’s restraint suit is alternately described as leather and latex. Naruto is described as calmly doing paperwork, but he has a woman (Anko) sitting on his lap, so that’s physically impossible. It’s impossible for the reader to get a clear visual image of what’s going on when there are such blatant contradictions.

Ino is described as a girl even though this is the time period where Naruto is Hokage, which means she’s an adult woman in her late twenties, not a little girl.

You also tell instead of show with passive voice. Try active voice instead. Get rid of “She could hear…” and “She could smell…”.

The best part, writing wise, is your description of Ino’s thought process while she’s peeking through the door. It gives some insight to her shock and frustration.

Chapter 2

I really hate this chapter. Sasuke, Naruto, and Sakura are all way out of character from canon. Even if we accept the premise that they all went along with this bet and Naruto won, the subsequent rape scene makes no sense. (It’s also really poorly written rape smut, but that’s a more in-depth conversation than I have time for at the moment) If Sakura and Sasuke lose the bet, it makes more sense for her to acquiesce and be shocked that she likes the way Naruto makes her feel. You touch on the idea of the kunoichi being a natural whore, but then portray Sakura as a cold fish during foreplay. It’s kind of hard to tell that it’s foreplay. Is it rape? Is it consensual? It’s murky and her reactions don’t match her actions at all.

More problems with physical inconsistencies. Naruto is supposedly spanking her ass while simultaneously fucking her up against a tree. There’s a tree trunk in the way. He could slap a different body part or turn her around against the tree. Which, the tree itself is good descriptive fodder. Is she getting splinters? Is the pain of tree bark scraping her skin affecting her responses? There’s a lot more you could be using in this scene.

More problems with passive voice.

The only redeeming factor in this chapter is your use of Sakura’s inner voice. It lends some humor value to the chapter.

Chapter 27

There are definite improvements in your writing at this point. I’m still not fond of the changes you’ve made to Naruto’s personality, but from a straight writing standpoint, this is better.

There are still spelling and grammar issues. Spell check is a helpful tool; editing is a good thing.

You do a good job of illustrating Ino’s decline from happy housewife to shameless hussy. Showing her utter depravity by having her think of her future daughters as potential harem members is quite provocative.

Having Sakura and Hinata waiting impatiently and properly trained is a nice touch.

At this point, your writing is much better, but the ongoing issue of Naruto’s character is difficult to reconcile. He’s so far away from canon at this point; I have no real suggestions on how to fix that other than saying next time you write a fic, please don’t completely change a character’s personality to fit a story trope. You’ve basically put Naruto’s name and appearance on Sasuke’s character.

It’s confusing to see “Naruto” followed by something completely out of character for him. Maybe tag it as AU with “what if Naruto was callous and mean instead of a nice guy”?

So I decided to go back and read some of your earlier stuff now that the Onsen series seems done. And wow... I mean... wow... At this point I think this story could benefit from a few re-writes and a change in the order of chapters.

I am really glad you have improved as a writer. Between the actual smut and your characterization of Naruto things have improved ever since you cam back from your hiatus. I am also really glad that this was the first smut fic I ever read because I don't think I could have gotten past the first few chapters otherwise. It isn't just about whether or not they are bad, it's just that it is a really bad introduction to your universe.

There is a reason why the majority of smut fics begin with the main character's first steps towards building a Harem. Seeing the character slowly change and evenutally become a Harem Sex God gives us some form of investment. Instead, here we are immediately thrown into the deep-end with Naruto shamelessly fucking Anko in his office where anyone could walk in with his wife licking his balls. It is a huge departure from the Naruto everyone is familiar. And even as far as your story overall goes. It is easily one fo the more extreme settings.

We don't get to actually make a connection between canon Naruto and your Naruto or have an insight into the journey that made him who he is until your Tsunade and Hinata chapters. I really think the Hinata chapters should have been the first ones. Simply because actually knowing why Naruto is the way he is, and seeing the process of him and Hinata agreeing to his extra-marrital pursuits makes sense. It is also a logical place to start smut wise because those are your most vanilla chapters by far, allowing you to slowly crank up the intensity of your scenes.

Another thing, character wise, is that a lot of the girls would benefit from either having more attention given to their transformation or from simply not being mindless sex slaves in the end. THe problem with mindless sex slaves is that ultimately they feel interchangeable. Hanabi was said to be one Naruto's "special girls" but we don't see anything in her characterization that makes her any different from the other Hyuuga girls he fucked. Sakura and Ino also feel interchangeable despite the fact that Naruto obviously has a lot more emotional bagage with Sakura.

Looking back now, Sakura should really have been the one to get the 9 chapters treatment because she is by far the one who goes through the biggest journey out of all the girls. She went from being hopelessly in love with Sasuke, to relunctantly liking Naruto's dick, to battling between her feelings for the two, to liking Naruto for more than just his dick, to now being fully and completely his while also being disgusted at the idea of being with Sasuke.

And about the order of your chapters. I do like the idea of them not being in chronological order. Allows you to do some fun stuff, but there still should be some sort of narrative order or connection between them. The addition of each chapter should be building towards something otherwise you might as well just make them a series of one-shots and short stories that aren't connected. Per example, your opening chapter is an outlandish situation involving Anko and Hinata, with Ino walking in. I am assuming Naruto purposefully let Ino walk in because of Sai asking him to fuck his wife. The problem is that it takes until Chapters 8 (Onsen 3), 16 (Alley - Anko),  and 22 (HInata) for all the pieces to be put together for the readers to even understand the circumstances behind that scene. This wouldn't so much of a problem, if once again it wasn't for the fact that there is some Out Of Character behaviour from the people involved. Naruto is a womaniser who views Anko as a glorified fleshlight, the confident and flirty Anko is suddenly a submissive cum-dump hopelessly thrusting herself onto him, the loud and brash Ino is left stammering like a blushing maiden, and the shy and innocent Hinata is calmly licking his balls as if nothing was wrong. The shock factor itself is interesting, but it needs some more "meat" to it in order to hold. And said meat sadly arrives way too long after.

Ultimately, I still like your stuff because of a mix of nostalgia from this being my first smut fic and thefact that your scenes are genuinely fun. But looking back it is clear how much your grew as a writer, and how much you can still grow. I look forward to seeing more of that growth in your Samui or Kurenai chapters, while also hoping that maybe you might revisit your old chapters and change their order.

Alright I'm done.

I don't want to read a shitty fic and leave reviews complaining about it. It's garbage, it stopped being funny about four chapters ago, and I have no desire to subject myself to truly epic levels of cringe for another 16 chapters.

I don't understand how this got to be so popular. The plot is all over the fucking place with your flashforwards and flashbacks, which gives no sense at all of continuity. The smut is stale and essentially just the exact same thing over and over and over with a palette swap. The characterization is ridiculous and gives no sense whatsoever of progression in anyone's development.

I could literally plot a chapter of this in thirty seconds. Let's see, Naruto decides he's hungry one day and goes for ramen, Ayame is turned on by the scent of THE ALPHA, and then they go out back and fuck because he dropped a cheesy one-liner and gave her a soulful gaze with his baby vlues. Ayame becomes a loyal mindbroken slut at the mere sight of his magnifcent cock and he thinks about how he did it again and now has to fit another worthless cocksleeve in his fuck-schedule.

There ya go. A pre-canned Kage Sexbomb chapter. Write it up you disgraceful retard.

This is the Hyuuga chapter again. For fuck's sake, come up with something new or don't write a chapter at all. It's not enough just to do the exact same thing over and over and change the characters around. You need to learn to revamp your plots. If you did something and wanted to do something similar, then make some change before doing that.

Like take this shitstorm of a chapter. Instead of Naruto just walking in and breaking everyone with his ALPHA DICK just like you already did with the Hyuuga, flip the situation over on him. Instead of Naruto pursueing them, he's pursued and even nearly overwhelmed by this clan of alpha bitches.

I love the juxtaposition of Naruto asserting that he's generally a morally upright individual, doing what he can to 'free' and 'help' various women in his own way, while in both his thoughts and theirs' they admit that the sexual relationship they have is based around throwing away all sense of morality.

Straighten your fucking hero out brother. Either just accept that he's an abusive rapist or align his actions with that of an actually moral individual.

"Yes, Heirarch-sama!"

Who the fuck is this guy?