CH.23 - Hinata 2

Good going on Naruto admiting that he'd kill whoever's name came out of her lips, at least, if it was the name of a man. That's the kind of protectiveness and possessiveness guys in this situation get.

Didn't expect Hinata ro be so kinky, but you know what they say "it's always the quiet ones". 

I really loved how you combined both domination, a variation of bondage (one without ropes or chains) and gentleness. This scene was super hot. 

Also congratulations on making your first lemon with Shadow Clones in this story, I was starting to wonder if you were ever going to come around to it.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.

CH.22 - Hinata 1

The inside look into Hinata and what she thinks and feels of her past, family and related things until now, is awesome. That's a great way to go and develop her character, really unlike the original author who did a shitty job at it. 

Their bed-talk is also great, they truly FEEL like a couple here, in the playfulness, honesty and openess between each other you delivered us things we normally we only see in fan doujins (not the Hentai type) and nowhere else.

Naru's insecurities are well founded and the way you wrote, the way it was revealed to us here,in this heart-to-heart... It was nothing short of fantastical.
You gave depth here in a way, that even being so succint and simple, managed to convey perhaps more than what the author of the original manga ever did.
This whole story we see Naru act in a certain way (wanting to own people so that they didn't leave him), now we got the reason behind, the first incident/circumstance that came to be the cause of who he is now.
Outstanding.

The tattoos over her womb and ass (a Uzumaki spiral or even a replica of his seal as tramp stamps) are also nice add-ons that fit perfectly here. The same goes for Hinata's desire for some kind of revenge over her family.

Believing in hard work and actions instead of pretty words, believing in earning love instead of being given it, I can understand that, deeply so to be frank.

The ending in this sexy cliffhanger is superb dude. Always gets what he wants huh, loved it. *thumbs up*

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.21 - Ino 8

This assistant is right, she HAS seen more of Ino than Sai himself. These comments of one line you insert once in a while really stick with us after we leave the chapter.

Super fun chapter by the way, I love the attendant trying to explain things to Sai, all the while trying to keep the secret but still not being able to keep from stumbling into the actual truth or letting innuendo escape.

No way poor Sai didn't make a mistake there. You never ever let another man have a go at your woman period. He's not a bad guy in canon, but when your wife has looks like that... you gotta know there'll be other men gunning for her, even forming a line really.

I kinda pity for this poor woman, but I understand why yuo put her in the story. I also think you should insert more unnamed characters like this and have them throw their views on the events and changes that are going on around them, it would make good world-building in my opinion.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.20 - Ino 7

Please don't put Himawari in. I have no issue with Sarada in the harem, I even desire so - and yes I know that might make me a hypocrite - but I have some principles, even if a few of them ARE based on double standards, like this one.

The focus on the attendant is really nice, it provides us a different look in the circumstances happening and, in special, on how a 3rd party bystander would see what's going on with Naru and his entourage.

The dialogue between Sakura and Hinata is done in such a normal way that it's funny. They're so freaking used to it that it's like they're discussing the weather. Though, seeing Sakura get all hang-up on Ino like that just cracks me up good.

The real punishment there is, frankly, amusing. Though, I guess I can definitely see where it's coming from, if you look at it form Sakura's point of view. It's also nice seeing her recognize Sasuke as what he is.

Seeing the second part of the women's dialogue just makes me think that they're kind of using Naru, well, at least Sakura is. Don't ask me why, it just gave me that impression.

The thing with the women waiting in position for their turn is also quite sexy, I really liked it.

Both Naru and Hina have become quite vindictive, haven't they? I LOVE it. 

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.19 - Kushina 2

Gotta be honest, I thought that this was going to be like a cheesy porno, where the plumber "cleans the pipes" of the housewife, You completely subverted my expectations though.

I like how you had Kushina almost patronizingly explain things to Naru, even when he's the involved in the whole schtick.

Never expected ushina to be such a tease though. And the worse is, does she do it consciosly? I mean, she certainly realizes what she's doing, but it's not like she's actually shooting for it, it just sort of ends up happening, like it's automatic right?

Once in a while you have Naru some really awesome one-liners that just hit deep. Keep doing that.

Ah so that's what they mean by "slap her right in the pussy", can't say I've thought of that before.

Woah that...was way too hot, like damn man. It wasn't even se and it was already like this. You're getting my hopes up high.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.18 - Kushina 1

Wow that was heartfelt. I almost forgot you could write amazing scenes like that too. I also certainly wouldn't mind more of their type.

Shizune is a surprise mention, but Kushina's certainly taking the indirect approach it seems.

The thing about her being a personification of his guilt is unexpected, but witty and sharp nonetheless. Didn't expect Naruto of all things to think of something like that.

It's nice to see Naru being uncomfortable like this once in a while, I guess that's the kind of power only a mother has over her son.

His worry over her acting that way out of the house too (even if he didn't know how that world worked). 

The thing about lifting the dinner table is super funny though, those are some great flexors he's got there to be able to do that.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.17 - Ino 6

HOTTEST CHAPTER YET!

Fuck, this smut was out of this world.

The little bits of information scattered around the text also help paint a bigger picture of this AU and how it differs from the normal one.

All the declarations and the lines of thoughts that Ino has also add a spice that is hardly seen in other lemony stories.

10/10

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.16 - Alley 1

Nice bit of background on both Anko and Naru, you set up the base for the scene quite nicely here. By the way, good to see you have Naru use his trip to "gain experience" with women too.

Quite long chapter, but definitely hot. I can certainly understand Naru's pet peeve too.

I'm surprised that Naru was actually so gentle with Anko, after all the shit she pulled and how she ruined his plans.

The long tongue kink and full condom kinks were satisfied this time, so I wonder what's next.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.15 - Tsunade 2

It's always nice to see a younger Naru, to read Tsunade teasing the poor boy even better.

I really like how you're giving these glimpses of determination that Naru is so known for, that and the bits and pieces of what makes this worls so different from others.

If you think on Tsunade's side of things, she really doesn't have much interest in gong to Konoha, her only actual interest is Naru himself and the promise he has with her. So I can understand, kinda, where she's coming from.

I'd like more of these chapters that build the backstory of the main plot.

On a request for girl, Mabui. Naruto has her and perhaps Karui as compensation for Kumo trying to kidnap his mom when she was young and Hinata when she was a kid.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.14 - Ino 5

There's some kind of wisdom and logic there in that "pleasure equal to obedience" deal that Naru referred.

The lines Naru delivered to Ino there were hot as fuck man. Where do you find these things? Or do you just make thins up as you go along?

His analysis on Ino also seem spot on, at least for me.

The twists and turns Ino's mind makes are also super dynamic and organic. She feels alive to us readers.

The ending talk between Naru, Hina and Sakura is also quite fun to see, it feels real in a confortable way, if that makes sense

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.13 - Ino 4

The conversation between Naru and Sai is equal parts sad and funny, heartbreaking and comedic. But it certainly sheds much light on everything that's going on with Ino until now.

Ino's observation of Hinata and Sakura is really fun. Though, Naru delivering one-liners like the one he did right after that is even more so.

His patronizing tone to her also seems almost comical to me, given the situation. I can almost paint his expression in my head.

The whole talk with Sai while he fucked Ino was also strikingly hot. 

Her "acceptance" or "fall", together with the feelings of both when Naru gives her a chance to leave, takes the spotlight this chapter though.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.12 - Tsunade 1

The start of this chapter is really promising in terms of writing, it sounds like the beginning of a legend about to be told.

I don't think Tsunade's eyes are blue, more like hazel or brown really. The comparisons with her and other things are pretty deep tho. The explanation that you gave that she wasn't strong until Dan died makes a lot of sense and fits perfectly to be honest. 

The thing about being able to love anyone you want is pure truth, even IRL. 
Love is not a feeling or emotion, it's a choice.
Love is just like anything else, if you feed it the love with survive and even grow and flourish, you don't feed it and the love will starve and lessen and desintegrate/die. 
Love is also a compromise, one not for you, but for your loved one from you; the compromise (note that you can't spell compromise without promise) to make that person happy to the best of your ability.
Wow, I got really deep here, didn't expect this. Sorry.

Naru with only Jounin chakra reserves? Preposterous! Even as a kid, he would probably be better positioned this aspect among the ranks of tailed beasts, they would be much more fitting than comparing him to humans.

Fuck, this was as educational as it was hot. You almost overdid it, having Tsunade explain how things worked there (a basic biology Sex Ed class) as she teased and pleasured Naru, but it answers a lot of questions even as it raises another few.

For example: which weighs more for the kunoichi, the power/skill of the man or their cock? You mentioned both in this chapter and also on Sakura's. 
Ideally, it would be both. However, what if a man just check one of those hitboxes? 
Who'd be "chosen", a weak/normal guy with a great dick or a powerful guy with normal/weak dick? 

Another example: Tsunade says "the first man to funk you into submission.", does that mean that if a kunoichi already "belonged" to a guy but a stronger one comes along she won't go with the latter?
Does the guy need to fuck her until she submits or can the guy make her submit in battle and then simply fuck her and the result will be this one?
If another person makes her submit and the guy just comes along and fucks her... will she belong to the one who submitted her or the one who screwed her? 

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.11 - Inuzuka 2

"He wasn't a cock on two legs." ...
Dude, have you seen what you wrote so far? 
Have you seen what you wrote since (I'm reviewing from the 31 chapter mark)? 
This AU you created basically makes men like Naru (which really is only him) into exactly that! 
And it really doesn't help that all explanations given to reason why kunoichis are like this and how it all works (considering everything until ch.31) just basically reinforce that fact, this notion that you so eloquently put here.

The smut was quite good, even if it was short here. I understand that the sex wasn't the primary focus of the chapter this time.

Naruto's worries are spot on. These serious considerations you insert in the story once in a while really go a long way to develop the character and the world around them. I love it. I wouldn't mind Naru doing a coup, never liked Konoha's higher ups anyway, but I understand if you won't as you're being really faithful to the original material, at least for this part of the story.

You mentioned Kaguya, I really want to see her put in her place and in a bunny suit at that. It is fitting no, a bunny girl look for the "Rabbit Goddess".

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.10 - Wedding 1

I quite liked how you pictured Sakura and her now almost aversion to Sasuke.

The talk between the girls, though short, is remarkably well done. Poor Ino though, doesn't know what she's asking for.

Naru's "obsession" on never letting his women go without their wombs filled I can certainly understand (always mark your territory and all), though his methods are a little shifty I guess.

The little bit on Hinata is also super fun and goodly worded I must say.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.09 - Inuzuka 1

So Tsume had challenged Naru to duels multliple times and lost all of them and because he didn't claim her all along, she kept annoying him and getting in his way, is that it? That's... one way to show interest I guess, a really childish way yes, but one nonetheless.

The thing about furthering the species and the animalistic ways here is really excellently written. Topnotch work here.

I really like that you'll have Naru taking no shit from anyone, it shows how much he has grown as a character, person and man.

Loved how Tsume acted after being claimed like a little doggy. That was a thing to see.

I can't wait to see what comes from this mob overrunning Naru here.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.