CH.17 - Ino 6

HOTTEST CHAPTER YET!

Fuck, this smut was out of this world.

The little bits of information scattered around the text also help paint a bigger picture of this AU and how it differs from the normal one.

All the declarations and the lines of thoughts that Ino has also add a spice that is hardly seen in other lemony stories.

10/10

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.16 - Alley 1

Nice bit of background on both Anko and Naru, you set up the base for the scene quite nicely here. By the way, good to see you have Naru use his trip to "gain experience" with women too.

Quite long chapter, but definitely hot. I can certainly understand Naru's pet peeve too.

I'm surprised that Naru was actually so gentle with Anko, after all the shit she pulled and how she ruined his plans.

The long tongue kink and full condom kinks were satisfied this time, so I wonder what's next.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.15 - Tsunade 2

It's always nice to see a younger Naru, to read Tsunade teasing the poor boy even better.

I really like how you're giving these glimpses of determination that Naru is so known for, that and the bits and pieces of what makes this worls so different from others.

If you think on Tsunade's side of things, she really doesn't have much interest in gong to Konoha, her only actual interest is Naru himself and the promise he has with her. So I can understand, kinda, where she's coming from.

I'd like more of these chapters that build the backstory of the main plot.

On a request for girl, Mabui. Naruto has her and perhaps Karui as compensation for Kumo trying to kidnap his mom when she was young and Hinata when she was a kid.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.14 - Ino 5

There's some kind of wisdom and logic there in that "pleasure equal to obedience" deal that Naru referred.

The lines Naru delivered to Ino there were hot as fuck man. Where do you find these things? Or do you just make thins up as you go along?

His analysis on Ino also seem spot on, at least for me.

The twists and turns Ino's mind makes are also super dynamic and organic. She feels alive to us readers.

The ending talk between Naru, Hina and Sakura is also quite fun to see, it feels real in a confortable way, if that makes sense

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.13 - Ino 4

The conversation between Naru and Sai is equal parts sad and funny, heartbreaking and comedic. But it certainly sheds much light on everything that's going on with Ino until now.

Ino's observation of Hinata and Sakura is really fun. Though, Naru delivering one-liners like the one he did right after that is even more so.

His patronizing tone to her also seems almost comical to me, given the situation. I can almost paint his expression in my head.

The whole talk with Sai while he fucked Ino was also strikingly hot. 

Her "acceptance" or "fall", together with the feelings of both when Naru gives her a chance to leave, takes the spotlight this chapter though.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.12 - Tsunade 1

The start of this chapter is really promising in terms of writing, it sounds like the beginning of a legend about to be told.

I don't think Tsunade's eyes are blue, more like hazel or brown really. The comparisons with her and other things are pretty deep tho. The explanation that you gave that she wasn't strong until Dan died makes a lot of sense and fits perfectly to be honest. 

The thing about being able to love anyone you want is pure truth, even IRL. 
Love is not a feeling or emotion, it's a choice.
Love is just like anything else, if you feed it the love with survive and even grow and flourish, you don't feed it and the love will starve and lessen and desintegrate/die. 
Love is also a compromise, one not for you, but for your loved one from you; the compromise (note that you can't spell compromise without promise) to make that person happy to the best of your ability.
Wow, I got really deep here, didn't expect this. Sorry.

Naru with only Jounin chakra reserves? Preposterous! Even as a kid, he would probably be better positioned this aspect among the ranks of tailed beasts, they would be much more fitting than comparing him to humans.

Fuck, this was as educational as it was hot. You almost overdid it, having Tsunade explain how things worked there (a basic biology Sex Ed class) as she teased and pleasured Naru, but it answers a lot of questions even as it raises another few.

For example: which weighs more for the kunoichi, the power/skill of the man or their cock? You mentioned both in this chapter and also on Sakura's. 
Ideally, it would be both. However, what if a man just check one of those hitboxes? 
Who'd be "chosen", a weak/normal guy with a great dick or a powerful guy with normal/weak dick? 

Another example: Tsunade says "the first man to funk you into submission.", does that mean that if a kunoichi already "belonged" to a guy but a stronger one comes along she won't go with the latter?
Does the guy need to fuck her until she submits or can the guy make her submit in battle and then simply fuck her and the result will be this one?
If another person makes her submit and the guy just comes along and fucks her... will she belong to the one who submitted her or the one who screwed her? 

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.11 - Inuzuka 2

"He wasn't a cock on two legs." ...
Dude, have you seen what you wrote so far? 
Have you seen what you wrote since (I'm reviewing from the 31 chapter mark)? 
This AU you created basically makes men like Naru (which really is only him) into exactly that! 
And it really doesn't help that all explanations given to reason why kunoichis are like this and how it all works (considering everything until ch.31) just basically reinforce that fact, this notion that you so eloquently put here.

The smut was quite good, even if it was short here. I understand that the sex wasn't the primary focus of the chapter this time.

Naruto's worries are spot on. These serious considerations you insert in the story once in a while really go a long way to develop the character and the world around them. I love it. I wouldn't mind Naru doing a coup, never liked Konoha's higher ups anyway, but I understand if you won't as you're being really faithful to the original material, at least for this part of the story.

You mentioned Kaguya, I really want to see her put in her place and in a bunny suit at that. It is fitting no, a bunny girl look for the "Rabbit Goddess".

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.10 - Wedding 1

I quite liked how you pictured Sakura and her now almost aversion to Sasuke.

The talk between the girls, though short, is remarkably well done. Poor Ino though, doesn't know what she's asking for.

Naru's "obsession" on never letting his women go without their wombs filled I can certainly understand (always mark your territory and all), though his methods are a little shifty I guess.

The little bit on Hinata is also super fun and goodly worded I must say.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.09 - Inuzuka 1

So Tsume had challenged Naru to duels multliple times and lost all of them and because he didn't claim her all along, she kept annoying him and getting in his way, is that it? That's... one way to show interest I guess, a really childish way yes, but one nonetheless.

The thing about furthering the species and the animalistic ways here is really excellently written. Topnotch work here.

I really like that you'll have Naru taking no shit from anyone, it shows how much he has grown as a character, person and man.

Loved how Tsume acted after being claimed like a little doggy. That was a thing to see.

I can't wait to see what comes from this mob overrunning Naru here.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.08 - Ino 3

The beginning with a bit of past talk with Sai is nice and certainly sets the tone for the rest of the chapter.

Ino's descension into lust and growing more and more depraved is a great touch and, certainly, a delight to read. The thing about having a right to suck is amazing too.

I think the highlight here, other than the obvious and in-depth process that Ino goes through, is Naruto admitting that he's affected too, and that convincing her basically. 
That this strength necessity thing is a road that goes both ways, manifesting in domination for males and submission for females, is the perfect touch that was lacking here. Because it mostly alleviates the whole sensation that Naru is taking advantage of these women.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.07 - Hyuuga 2

The beginning with Hanabi, her background and backstory in the way of a memory, is my favorite part here. 
I really liked how you made this more meaningful, hardcore sex is good but so is this kind of intercourse too.

You know that Hitomi is one of the most used names for the mother of Hanabi and Hinata right? That and Hannah are the fan favorites, since we were never given a confirmation on what was her actual one.

I really liked this chapter, the ending is also super fun with these considerations and thoughts being aired out loud.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.06 - Sarada

Didn't expect a Sarada chapter, at least not so soon. I also didn't expect it to be so fulfilling, yet it was.

I really liked how you developed and wrote her here. The daddy kink was completely expected though.

Her narrative on the events that happened, as brief as it is, also paints a good picture of the almost infinte spanse of time between the Naruto timeline and the Next Gen timeline.

Her input on the world and how it adapted to the changes inflicted upon it by Naru is also really well done.

I honestly liked this chapter more than I expected. And to think Naru got with at least half of the kunoichis in Konoha (and that's without counting women out of the village that are in the harem too) ..., that's nothing short of amazing. 

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.05 - Ino 2

The talk and banter between the men at the start is an unexpected but welcome surprise, the fact that none of them seem to bat an eye at Naru's habits is as comical as it is tragic. The blonde's roasts are awesome though, doubly so cuz they're true; his maturity is something cool to see too.

The fight, if it can be even called that, and the antics after it are super well written and more than a bit amusing, I gotta say.

Naru's completely casual offer a competition in the glory hole is funny as heck. His own consciousness of his acts and little lack of trust that you wrote also deepen and humanize his character in ways seldomly seem.

The reveal to Ino of what was going on between her friends was sexily explored to a degree I've never seen before. To be honest, I'm not into the whole gloryhole kink, but I can kinda see how it's hot to other people.

The part with Naru's view at the end is really good. You did a magnific callback to their pasts and to the events that happened in-story, that coupled with the emotional undertones provided, really sells the whole thing to me.

And Ino finally succumbs! Dude, I know you wrote time after time that it wasn't the cock size of Naru that made girls crazy, but the strength of the man, however the brunt of the content of your chapters say otherwise. Just saying that you've been giving conflicting info for us.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.04 - Hyuuga 1

I really liked the first half of this chapter, the preparation of the fight, the politics involved, the struggle between duty and desire. Masterful really.

Teasing Hanabi and later having Naru being a little romantic with her really were the favorite parts of this chapter for me.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.
 

CH.03 - Ino 1

Hinata's POV at the beginnign here was really fun to see. It's nice to have different outlooks from distinct characters to enrich the story. Her ponderings on Sakura and Naru's relationship are also quite deep, unexpectedly so to be frank. I think you should do more of it, as it is quite good.

Outstanding smut at the middle. Super hot.

Ino's slowly going down a depraved spiral, let's see how long she lasts.

I hope I helped with constructive criticism.
Over and out.
PS: please post this and your other stories on AO3. The feedback is much better there, both in quality and amount. The review system is better there too, being similar to the Reddit threads.