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Reviews for Fever Chart

By : Ljiljana
  • From ANON - Jen on December 29, 2011
    Since you had so much trouble with this fic, I'll give you my critical take on it, on what didn't work for me, for whatever it's worth in thinking through future stories. Certainly I would say leave this one alone since it gave you so much troubles. It's very generous to have published it anyway for us to read even though you didn't feel 100% satisfied. Personally, I liked the story, but didn't love it, mostly because I agree with your criticisms of it. My favorite part of the story was watching Naruto's increasing, barely-contained lust for Sasuke. The way you wrote it was really convincing because I felt like I could feel the tension in Naruto rise with each encounter he had with Sasuke. By the end, I could understand why he'd resort to having sex with a random boy, and why he'd derive no pleasure from it either.

    What didn't work for me, however, was Sasuke. He was such a question mark for me that I couldn't really get into his character. (What were his motives in becoming a porn star? Did he share Naruto's feelings? If so, why not put Naruto out of his misery? What was holding him back in either encouraging--or discouraging--Naruto's feelings for him?) I did get the hint from the Itachi scene that he was at least partially motivated by spite, but I really sort of wished you hadn't done that scene for a couple of different reasons. For one thing, spite is, to be honest, an incredibly flimsy reason to get involved in something like porn. It's potentially unhealthy (STDs), and a very, very public way of getting back at someone. This isn't a single sex tape we're talking about here either, but multiple videos. The embarrassment to the Uchihas is minimal compared to the permanent embarrassment Sasuke would suffer for this (no one ever forgets about sex tapes). Canonically, I know Sasuke can be self-destructive in pursuing his goals, but he also, first and foremost, watches out for number one--himself. He never truly let Madara or Orochimaru use him, despite what they might have thought. He was using them the whole time. So I wouldn't even say cutting off his nose to spite his face is a particularly Sasuke-ish way of getting back at someone.

    So all this is to say, thinking Sasuke might have become a porn star out of spite makes me understand his character even less than I did before the Itachi scene. I'd just have rather that you left his reasons for getting into porn mysterious like everyone else's instead of implying he came from money/a good family and had special, out of the ordinary reasons for involving himself in the business. Giving these hints opened up a huge, unanswerable can of worms. Better to have left the whole thing alone.

    Getting rid of Itachi also would have helped the fic in that you could have used the time spent on that scene to write one where Naruto and Sasuke got to interact. It felt like just when the two of them got to a point in the fic where they *might* talk a little, where their relationship *might* progress beyond repressed attraction as coworkers, Itachi showed up. Instead of the two of them focusing on each other, they were focusing on an outside problem, on the awkwardness of Itachi's arrival. (Which would have been totally fine if this was a multi-chapter fic, but in a oneshot, you have a lot of character development ground to cover in a short amount of time, and that scene wasn't the most productive way to push their character development forward.)

    I think the reason why the fic comes across as unfinished at the end is that it's hard to know how to feel about the ending. I don't think you needed to write more at all, just clarify if we should feel pity for Naruto at the end, or happiness that he might have made some headway with Sasuke. If they'd gotten a chance to talk a little that evening, we'd know a little more about where Sasuke is at and what their relationship might, potentially, be like 6 months from now. How might they have *potentially* worked as friends or possibly, something more? Or to put it most simply, the relationship between Naruto and Sasuke at the end of the fic doesn't feel all that different from the one at the beginning of the fic.
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  • From moodysavage on December 27, 2011
    I liked this. I really did. Course I skimmed a bit on the male/female action but who doesn't? lol

    Anyway... I liked how this was open. Then I could imagine things the way I want. Like did Sasuke join because he was interested in Naruto? Or to prove he can do anything he wants to his family? And why did they wait so long... Sasuke must have realized that Naruto came when he touched him on his hip. I just really liked that subtle sexual tension between the two. Will Kakashi get the idea to do some gay porn? Will Sasuke get over his stint in the business and take Naruto with him?

    Just lots and lots of thoughts. I personally am going with the one that maybe Sasuke had run across some of Naruto's movies through Itachi's work with Sakura and joined on a whim to see why he was interested in Naruto... maybe because before that he figured he was straight. And they waited so long because they were both aware of each other but Sasuke hadn't admitted to himself that he was gay.

    Just lots of happy thoughts to go with this story :) Thanks for finally putting it up here!
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  • From ANON - Tsukihara Tarou on December 27, 2011
    Geez how much I hate this site!!! (Sorry, had to get it off my chest.)

    Anyway.

    A first person perspective? That's exceptional from you. But you handle it well. I guess you handle everything well. Sometimes it's a bit annoying how good you are. Heh.

    Chouji (Holmes) and an eleven-incher? *laughter* Interesting.

    The scene with TenTen... very hot. Excellent work. You're the master of tension-building. I wish I had your patience.

    Poor Itachi. Always in the right place at the wrong time. Or the wrong place at the right time, I can't tell. But you should definitely write more Itachi. You make him so... so... deliciously distant and yet...

    Who's that fan, btw? Sai? Haku? Konohamaru? =)

    Thank you for sharing.
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  • From Prism0467 on December 26, 2011
    I don't know what inspired you to write that but HOLY @#$%^&*! that was HOT! And interesting, and intriguing...
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