Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

Reviews for When A Heart Cracks

By : SirGeneralSir

From ANON - Knightblazer on May 19, 2016
Great to have your writing back hope to read more soon...Awesome chapter
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From Mirandazoch on December 02, 2015
Okay. There are quite a few grammatical errors but it's nothing distracting so don't worry about those.

First. I absolutely love the Dragon village and the deep background story you gave. It's completely believable and well fleshed out.

Second. I am 100% enjoying this. It's well thought out and paced well. It's keeps you interested and coming back for more.

Third. The concept of Naruto hiding his true self is so believable. While I prefer the thought that he is truly just that sweet and kind logically it's not realistic that a person could endure the kind of abuse that he did and not become jaded and resentful.

Fourth. This is just a personal preference. Overall this is a story based fic not a smut fic. Consequently the use of terms like pussy and dick seem a little out of place. For me at least it pulled me out a bit. Because they seemed a bit crass compared to the tone of the rest of the fic.

Fifth. A question. When Naruto was poisoned he was in so much pain he couldn't even properly dress himself. But then he's training and kicking ass with taijutsu. Did I miss read something? I don't quite understand how he couldn't dress himself but then go and do intense training.

Lastly. I was quite drawn in by this. Your story and characterizations are wonderful. I very much look forward to reading more. I'd also love your thoughts on my fic if you're willing. Provided you don't mind yaoi. Thanks again for hours of enjoyment!
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From ANON - rose on November 30, 2015
next chapter please
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From Cerridwen on July 24, 2014
Holy shit! I can review from the tablet tonight!

Well, we already discussed the sakura bashing thing last night. If you want a beta, you can ask. I just suck at fixing run on sentences.

Anyway, I'm enjoying the story. It's nice to find something with a plot instead of just sex
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From BelleDayNight on July 11, 2014
Excellent beginning! I must say I enjoyed the graphic end to Sasuke. I'm fascinated by the Dragon clan at the end...very nice!
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From NaruHaremFan on May 28, 2014
Thank you for your review of my story "Thank you for loving me". Sorry I don't know how to respond reviews ^-^". I also wanted to say that the reason for the macro appendage was because I was planning on making Naruto either a half demon like in Yu Yu Hakusho, or a half divine entity...I'm still working on the kinks lol. But any advice you can give I greatly appreciate. I like your story by the way, very detailed. Good luck to everything you do.
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From kurahieiritrJIO on September 10, 2013
I have continued to read this tale as it does intrigue me. The plot is engaging, although the formatting you chose to use is a bit confusing. I would like to advise that you keep the actual dialogue together for each character to insure comprehension of whom said which things. By aligning actions together you will remove any doubt as to which character has done a series of actions. The current format has too many spaces for comprehension to flow which jars me a reader of your work. Your tale has great emotional impact potential, so it deserve to have that impact brought out consistently through a change in formatting. Empty space is not as beneficial when every single sentence is separated in this tale's case. Also, the loss of " dialog" tags through a large section of busted up conversation throws readers badly. Here is an example of an acceptable format that many manuscript readers use in the industry to explain the formatting cues.
{"dialog is all kept together in one set of quotes to insure readers do not get confused while reading the conversation."

Naruto said to Sakura.}

You can use this accepted dialog format very easily and retain more blank space by dropping whichever character spoke to the following line quickly and efficiently. I have seen numerous grammar and punctuation errors in each chapter, specifically when it comes to dialog formatting errors. Your errors can easily be repaired with a little effort and a new read over with such elements in mind. You do have a tendency to write run on, and compound sentences. Cleaning those up and breaking them into shorter sentences, especially in dialog, will do much to increase the impact of each thing that gets said. You have a great dialog that promotes the tale overall, so I really think that shortening the sentences to reflect emotions such as agitation by making the words form the sense of choppier anger, or flow with uncertainty based upon the length of each sentence, can really bring your story's power up several notches.

Overall, you have a great fic idea, with great O.C. characters added to the mix. Reading about the whipped puppy syndrome Naruto has toward Sakura is very fitting I thought. I like the psychology you have added to the tale in dealing with Sakura's abusive personality. Rewatching the exams where Sasuke gets snake bit by the bad guy reminded me of precisely how callous/shallow Sakura is where Naruto is involved. Congratulations on making ti clear in your story that Sakura is still torturing Naruto unfairly, and having "Green Eyed monster" issues whenever her puppy starts looking for something real. I hope yuo will continue to work on this tale with these small pointers in mind. I would love to see this story reach maximum potential since it can become a genuine emotional roller coaster that grabs readers without letting go in time. Good luck and keep on writing.
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From kurahieiritrJIO on September 08, 2013
I have read the first two chapters and must say you do a decent job of writing a fighting scene. It is as muddled and shifting as a genuine fight would be muddled and flash shifting which is a plus. No fight is ever completely easy to follow, so in this I do enjoy the style you have in writing the scene. Keeping the action moving and brisk with a chaotic slant does fit fighting in the real world.

However, with this said, the potential impact of this fight is dampened because you do not have a specific point of view character who takes me on the journey of their specific section of this battle. I do not feel the daggers whizzing past my face by riding upon one of the Shinobi's shoulders in chapter one's fight. Perhaps grounding your story in a single point of view character with each chapter, you can effectively increase the immediate emotional connection to the situation that God Perspective simply cannot deliver. Also, I notice you have shinobi smiling through their masks, yet it seems strange that anyone would know they are smiling because their faces are covered. Perhaps you can convey the smile through things like "answered in a bantering/light voice" tag to denote emotion without causing confusion. The idea of the smile can be conveyed without jarring the story nuances by making the reader wonder when the mask came off the Shinobi's face as I experienced while reading.

I like the way you are portraying Naruto in this story. He is trying his best as always, and it does come across to the reader well. Even without the God Perspective, you can keep it really strong by simply making chapter 2 specifically from Naruto's point of view with little extra editing. From the anime I recall having watched, his big goofy grin was much like a mask, and the use of the metaphor is perfect in describing his smile.

I do hope you continue to revise and improve this specific tale. I can see a lot of potential in the plot you have presented, and would love to see how it evolves while you are working on this project. You have also inspired me to actually look up and finish watching the Naruto anime again. I hope my input is helpful in your endeavor to improve as you continue your journey with writing.

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From ferret_assassin_nin on September 02, 2013
Wow, you have clearly put a lot of thought into this story. When the Dragon clan was first introduced in the story, I was very skeptical as to how well the idea would turn it, if it would even develop depth to it. However, as I continued to read, I found myself literally pulled into the story and I couldn't stop, even to review. I fell in love with all of the Dragon warriors, especially Bishamon and Akio. At point I thought Naruto really was going to die, or that he had been killed. I was terrified. Having this said, I loved the constant suspense, comic relief, and how you took the time to develop every character, even Naruto's "friends", that you introduced. I believe that is what really put the finishing touches on the story--your character development, the well-thought out plot, and the very refreshing idea that this story is more than just about sex; it actually has a depth to it that you can learn important lessons from. Perhaps I am reading to much into this, but with as many details, plot twists, and layers to this story, I can't help but find it to be a very enjoyable read that leaves me waiting for the next chapter. Oh, and I love how the Dragon warriors quickly accepted Naruto into their group and considered him one of their brothers; I think Naruto rarely ever gets recognized and respected as an actual person in both the anime and the manga. So, before this gets any longer and I start to ramble, wonderful job!

ferret nin
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From Xager on July 31, 2013
Pretty freaking badass. It's realistic, got friendship, the OCs aren't overbearing even though they are major characters, you've developed all the characters... It's a good fic, and I look forward to seeing it through!
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From Katlione on March 26, 2013
I started reading this story of a couple of years ago. I'm so happy that you started writing it again. If you'd please, don't stop writing - I enjoy reading your wonderful fiction...
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From Midnights-AM-Child on January 12, 2013
I probably should have waited until I finished the story before reviewing, but I have to say I'm enjoying what I've read so far. I really did think that I'd know why Naruto was infertile by now. I'm not there yet. Great job pacing. I also like that you killed Sasuke. I personally think that he's done too much to return to Konoha.I'm also glad that something has been done about Sakura's unnecessary abuse. You really know how to suck a reader into a story. I'll review again once I'm current.
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From ANON - she-who-waits-in-darkness on October 11, 2012
I have missed this story and I'm glad you updated and yes they deserved that and more!
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From ANON - Kit-chan on October 11, 2012
I love your story so far it's a great idea, I just wanted to point out that Four inches is not big on a man, If you think it is you should check a ruler, no trying to bad mouth you just saying... anyways keep up the great work!
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From ANON - JoshB314 on September 08, 2012
Hey this story was good. I remember reading it a while back but you got busy and didn't get to write more on it. Glad you were able to start writing again because this is getting good. I'm guessing the next day we will get to see the jutsu to take the poison out of Naruto's shoulder and who is this cult who are going to attack bloodlines and other jinchurikis
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