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Reviews for Long Time Gone

By : Aimereta
  • From RogueMudblood on August 25, 2011

    I'm going to give you a bit of critique here; please take it as it is intended, to help you improve in writing.

    I don't think Aneko has traveled into Mary Sue territory yet. So far, with only the one chapter, though, it's a little hard to make a thorough judgement call.

    When I read this chapter, my initial reaction was that it was too busy. You have several things happening, in rapid succession, with little to no transition. By having it all in one chapter like this, the reader hardly has time to process a reaction before something else is occurring.

    The result is, as I stated above, not enough development for me to critique your character(s). While "drawing out the action" may seem tedious, it is an effective way to make sure your characters are integrated into the universe you are describing. Remember, you're taking an established world and adding your own spice, so drawing out the story a little in the beginning helps me to get a feel for your character and to relate to her when things happen. Where your story is right now, though I'm very curious as to what will happen, and I would very much like to see you continue it, I don't have any empathy with your character and very little sympathy for her situation.

    I did like the way you had Naruto and Sasuke make their entrance. It was a very good way to introduce them into the scene. The only thing that confused me here was that their names were given in the narration without any type of flow for Aneko's sake. You had such a wonderful set up for mystery here that I was a bit disappointed when this wasn't drawn out a little further.

    Something you might want to consider is the infusion of American ideas with the Japanese words that you have in excess in the first few paragraphs. It was a bit distracting to me, and made it difficult for me to get into the piece. Don't misunderstand: using the Japanese is fine. It was actually the combination that was distracting.

    I was also distracted a bit after Naruto and Sasuke help her to kill the guards. Aneko moves faster than them when travelling back to the village. I wondered how she was able to, when she was bemoaning her lack of physical fitness during the encounter with the guards shortly before that.

    Overall, I think you have a very workable idea here, and as I said above, I would be interested in seeing it continue. Thank you for sharing!
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