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Reviews for It All Happened So Fast

By : wind797
  • From RogueMudblood on September 19, 2012

    I think you could have a very interesting beginning to a story here, a tale of their developing romance. Unfortunately, the construction detracts from the tale.

    I'm going to suggest you obtain a beta to help you refine your skills as a writer.
    I'm going to use one sentence as an example:

    He didn’t know what to do the feeling of her tongue in him nearly sent him over the edge and when she would play with his he might as well have died and gone to heaven that is how GREAT it felt.

    The way you have that, it's a run-on, and it's very difficult to read. It should say:

    He didn't know what to do. The feeling of her tongue in him nearly sent him over the edge.And when she would play with his... he might as well have died and gone to heaven - that's how great it felt.

    Breaking it up helps me to focus more on what you're trying to tell me rather than the mechanics of what you're saying. The first paragraph continues on in this same manner.

    You can always peruse the forum here for those offering their services:

    http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/

    Or post your own thread here to recruit a beta:

    http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/84-request-a-beta/

    I hope you do continue to develop your craft.

    Happy writing!
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