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Reviews for Bringing Home Back to You

By : eksimenrol
  • From RogueMudblood on September 22, 2012

    You've done very well capturing the mindset of a teenage male. There are nuances in the narrative that are indicative of his age, even if you hadn't explained that in your author's note.

    There are a few typos throughout; nothing a read-through by a good beta wouldn't catch for you. But one thing I did notice that you do stylistically that detracts from the story over all is that in certain scenes (for example, when he's packing), you state things as though we can see what you're visualizing. In that scene where he's packing his weapons, you only have him mention the kunai and the shuriken. While those would certainly be weapons he would use, you don't have him mention any others, yet he states "I think I have enough weapons here." If he's only packing two types of weapons, he may be at a disadvantage; traditionally kunai are actually tools that have come to be used by ninjas in battle. They are often makeshift spearheads, yet he has nothing to attach them to. While they may be used for throwing, that is not their most functional use; the shuriken would be better for that. So you have him with short stabbing weapons (close range) and throwing weapons (long range), but that's all he's packed. In numbers, he may have sufficient supply to warrant his statement, but as readers we have no way to know that, since we're not given the exact number of his arsenal.

    I elaborated on the above to simply state this: as a reader, I need you to describe the scene in order for me to be able to visualize it. I know this is one of those things that you don't want to spend a good deal of time on, but details are very important in having a credible plot.

    I think you've got a good idea here - and I like that you tie everything in to the one theme. I do think you could benefit from the services of a good beta. You can peruse the forum here for those offering their services:

    http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/

    A beta could really help you bring a polish to this piece, as well as helping you further develop your craft.

    Happy writing!
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