Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

Reviews for How orphan boys play

By : therar

From ANON - pandagog on November 07, 2011
so the first sentance confused me and i found out why, the word relished doesn't mean what you think it means http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/relished
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From AngelTalion on March 27, 2011
I really hope there will be more. I LOVE what you did with this. It was interesting to read and fantastic new idea. I just... would LOVE to see more.
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From ANON - Jo on March 15, 2011
Oh my gosh you updated!!

I read this story years ago - back when it hadn't gotten further than the camp. So we hadn't seen Kakashi or Sasuke yet.
*squeeee* I'm so happy!

I really like how the boys are growing up and the parents are hilarious. Lee is the best and oh lord... Itachi is my favourite character.
I'm so glad that the boys are able to come back together after so many obstacles. It really shows how strong the friendship is.

Oh the poor parents...
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From Sheemashelin on April 15, 2010
OMFG YES!!!!!!!!!! It's about time too. Love you lots, can't really saying thing at the moment, still suffering from fangirl syndrome. *huggles*
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From Shadow24 on February 09, 2010
Hey good for you u got me to cry!! Hope u update asap
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From arabuzumaki on January 17, 2010
awww *hugs Sai* poor baby ^_^ I love him don't make him an outcast he's already a mute rofl
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From ClaireBear on November 21, 2009
This... fic... issofreakingawesum!

Whew, sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. I'm enjoying this story very much and even though the 'pedophilia' tag should have scared me off your writing style and realism kept me hooked. The way you pay attention to the surroundings and what's taking place and carefully describing the environment to the reader are a few things I want to encourage you to keep doing. I love the individual quirks you've given to each boy and, as a former art student myself, I'm more drawn to Sai (Get it... drawn to Sai.. ha ha... yeah >.>)

The families that they ended up with were perfect for the orphans and also mirrors the relationships they share in the manga so it doesn't seem as if you randomly placed each boy with an adopted father. I'm glad you wrote Kakashi in there and doubly relieved that he really isn't a 'Kiddy Fiddler' and I must say that I was awed by Iruka's attack, not because it's out of character, far from it, it's such a believable reaction to the situation. It shows his aggressive, protective side so he doesn't appear lax or ineffectual (even though I'm guilty of writing him like that alot).

As good as your story is I would suggest getting a beta-reader. It's legible but some words and phrases are not easy to follow and I found I had to re-read a sentence a few times to understand who was the speaker or active character. I'm not trying to bash your story or writing style because they're both amazing but I just wanted to point that out to you.

Great art gallery by the way and I hope you get alot more fanart for your story, especially of Gaara and Lee, they're so cute together. I know first hand how demanding college can be but I really hope you update soon.
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From TheReapersMule on August 31, 2009
This is a nice change from the usual. I can not wait to read more!
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From Sheemashelin on May 30, 2009
I'm going to start this with a "this is the best you've done yet" and really you have done much better in this chapter than others. The scenery unfolded for me much easier in this chapter than in previous chapters. I'm very proud to see you improving! Seeing as you gave me credit I suppose I can be proud now. :D I'm very glad that I have stuck it through to now. The plot is unfolding very well good job. And really thanks to your beta as well.

There was a few things missed, there was a couple times that you repeated a name, ex:Gaara is Gaara is sitting.(No not this exactly.) I do this all the time when I'm in the flow of writing and it's all coming to me and you pause and then you start writing again. You kind of forget where you were in the sentence so you tend to rewrite it.

The way the lake looked could have been better detailed I think, I wasn't really sure what the size or color really was. I've been to a lake that shimmers green in the sun light once. It was very beautiful and the way the light would reflect and almost blind you sometimes. The boys on the large log, you started out describing it very well I could see it in my head and then it seemed as though you sort of lost it somewhere in there. (I hate it when it happens to me...)

Other than those minor things I am very happy so say you have greatly improved from your last chapter! *hugs* Great job I'm always happy to read your updates. DOing something new and different outside your usual realm of writing is always hard and difficult to pull off but you are doing so well. I'm glad to see that the plot hasn't really veered off of the beginning plot that you laid down in chapter one. The personalities are developing but not in a way that leaves you thinking that it was to drastically different from the chapter before hand. I see that happen so much and that is what really kills a story for me.

Job well done my dear! Now I'm going to take a random guess, and go with on the log where they all seem to be sitting in sync with one another. Then the big boom of Gaara falling in water and then all the building tension between the three. Until well, the little bit of lemon at the end. That's my guess, I seriously think I missed the actual starting point but *shrug* who knows except you! XDD hope to see another chapter as good or better than this one!
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From arabuzumaki on April 29, 2009
it was totally worth the wait. i hope it's not a scopion that stung sai ok that will be too much of a scare. those things are totally creepy.
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From MasterofPie on April 29, 2009
loving your story so far! Naruto, Sai and Gaara are so cute ^__^
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From Sheemashelin on March 02, 2009
I want to participate, but my scanner is being gay. But I'll see what I can do. I'll note you on the DA if I find away to do something for ya. As for the chapter brilliant. I like how the three got to know one another. And Sai well I find his OOC to be fine. It's not overly done, and we really have no idea if he wouldn't have a break down like that over ink and paint and such. The Manga suggests that he's always calm and collected, but when he's introduced into the story even when he flashes back to his past, he's already being trained to be an emotionless ninja. This is different. I find it to fit perfectly into the story. I mean really.

Constructive critique:
Also, you were missing a few words here and there. Like he or the. Not those words specifically, but words like that. So it wasn't to bad. Just thought you'd like to know so that you watch out a little more for stuff like that in the future when reading over your chapters. I don't think I saw any misspellings, so you're good there. I had a little trouble imagining the fence and the area that it was. The description confused me a bit. As for the play ground they were playing at I got a good enough picture of it, but you could spend more time describing places that they're at.

Over all I was pleased to read the this chapter I have been waiting for, and it wasn't a let down at all. I hope you spend some time working with the family dynamics of the foster homes. Don't feel the need to rush through it, because you feel you should post an update, or you want to get to a good part. I've seen a lot of great story tank because of that including my own. Keep the pace you have and even delve into the intricacies of each boys pasts, and the homes they now inhabit. I think it would be great and in your hands would be wonderful to read.

Once again simply brilliant. I find the idea and plot refreshing. Good job
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From serenagold on December 13, 2008
I like how Naruto's the frog and not a fox. ^^

Very well done chapter. You're right in that I wouldn't have known what to expect from a chapter of Yamato and Sai too. I think you did an excellent job.
Keep up the good work!
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From Sheemashelin on December 13, 2008
Aw... I lurv it! Sai is so cute. I'm so excited for the next chapter, you have no idea! And this chapter was so great! I totally feel like I was apart of the moment and everything. Good job. I'll be sitting on the edge of my seat until the next chapter!

Whoot!
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From filiasan on December 06, 2008
I want more!
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