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Reviews for No! Nii-san

By : NarutoUchihaForever
  • From starsurfer108 on October 28, 2008
    Nice the way you incorporated the story line into it. Like the way the chapter was much longer. To pass on some helpful advice that someone gave me once, be careful to not rush the scenes - take your time. Is there more? ^^
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  • From EstherJolie on October 21, 2008
    nice beginning but it could have been longer
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  • From ladygizarme on October 20, 2008
    Well, I'm always interested in Uchihacest fics, so I thought I'd check this out. I can't really tell if I'll like it yet or not, since the first chapter was so short, but if you get a beta (someone to read through and edit your spelling/grammar/continuity/anything else mistakes before you post) I will probably come back for more.

    Since you said in the beginning to let you know of your grammar mistakes, I thought I might as well do so... I warn you, though, there are MANY, so I am going to copy/paste into here. First, though, you should be warned that the site administrators will hide your fic if they see it doesn't have a complete disclaimer on it. To avoid having your story hidden, you need to add the "and I do not make any money from writing this story" part onto your disclaimer.

    Okay, now for the corrections you badly need. Please don't take this as a flame or an attack, but as the help you already asked for in your opening note. Here is a corrected version:

    Uchiha Itachi was known as the Uchiha Prodigy. He had great grades while at the academy, and made Jounin rank at thirteen. He was now seventeen and was lying in his bed with a slight 'problem'. He and his brother, Uchiha Sasuke, were home alone for a week, so he had time to do what he wanted and to look after his baby brother. He never thought he would be put into a problem like this, though. He sighed. It's not like he's never had a hard on before, that's not the point... He was thinking things about his baby brother is what made him feel like a sick pervert.


    He sighed as he stood and went to the bathroom to take a cold shower. He stripped his shirt, pants, and boxers off, and then let out a sigh as he stepped into the cold water. After what felt like forever, he stepped out and wrapped a towel around his waist. He discarded his garments into the wash bin and stepped out of the room to be met with a cold breeze. He shivered slightly as he went to the open widow and closed it before turning to see his brother walk out of his room, rubbing sleep his from his eyes.

    "Aniki?" Sasuke managed before he yawned.

    "Hmm?..Yes otouto?" Itachi asked as he looked his brother up and down, noticing for his age he was growing, even if he was only seven.

    "I heard some noise and came to see what it was," Sasuke said with sleep noticeable in his small voice.

    Itachi smiled slightly. "Well it was only me...I'm sorry to have woke you otouto"

    Itachi couldn't help but to ravish his brother's body with his eyes. He then realized what he was doing and mentally slapped himself. 'He's my brother for God's sakes..What the fuck am I doing thinking of him like this?' Itachi sighed as he waited for his brother's response.

    "It's okay, Nii-san...I was going to go to the bathroom anyway."
    Sasuke said as he shut the door to the room Itachi had just exited.

    Itachi sighed as he went back to his room and climbed into bed, not bothering to put something on.
    After a few minutes, he fell fast asleep, but ended up having naughty dreams of his otouto.

    As you can see if you compare this to your original, you need a LOT of corrections in spelling, grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure. A beta would help incredibly in this area. This isn't even touching other edits an actual beta would probably suggest, like adding more detail to flesh out the story some more. Particularly in the opening paragraph, Itachi's shower scene, and what exactly he notices about his little brother's growing body when he sees Sasuke come out of his room. Also, are you purposely making them ten years apart instead of five? Some people would want warned ahead of time for that, and for the fact that this is AU (I'm assuming... as it seems the massacre didn't happen...)

    Hopefully you can find a beta to help you make this an awesome story! Good luck!

    ~ lg
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