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Reviews for fallen

By : sameyler
  • From Halskr on August 19, 2008
    It is interesting so far. I am looking forward to reading more of this and seeing how the plot develops. Thanks for writing and sharing this.
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  • From SDRR on August 18, 2008
    I have one question. Do you think you could have someone (or do it yourself) go over and correct your grammar mistakes? I'll even do it myself if you want. I'm not trying to blame you or anything; everybody makes mistakes - even worse when you're in a hurry or tired - but it annoys the hell out of me. Language Arts has always been my best subject, so I automatically correct mistakes in my head. It takes me longer to read something if I'm doing that all the time.

    But I do have good things to say about it, too. It looks like it's shaping up to be a great story, and I'm looking forwards for more.
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  • From sonykit on August 18, 2008
    Hi! this story has a lot of potential. i like your attention to details, very vivid. the plot is also novel, so it adds a lot to the very cute characters. although this is au, sasuke and naruto are not totally off their original characters. hoping to read more! :)
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  • From serenagold on August 18, 2008
    You over explain the plot in the first few sentences. Do just start off by telling us who everybody is, what they do and where they're from, its like reading a summary or your story notes before reading the actual story. It doesn't give the reader a chance to get into the story before reading it. What you need to do is start a lot closer to the characters and work your way back. Don't tell us everything, let us discover it on our own.

    If I were you (and I'm not, so don't think I'm trying to dictate how you should run your story, just offering some constructive criticizm based on what you already have) I would focus on Sasuke coming home from work. Its simple, and in his act of simply walking up to his apartment, just have him reflect on his day. It is within that reflection that you can reveal the background information about his family and work life. Its short, its exploitive, and it brings us closer to the character himself. You become engaged in the story. You could reveal the same information you spout out at the begining of the story without changing everything. Then once his opens his door and finds the mysterious blond, you don't have to change anything either. Just keep the perspective from Sasuke's side and his disbelieve on what he's been seeing and told, along with this feelings on the subject and you're done! You don't have to reveal any more of the plot than that. You could leave Naruto's story till the next chapter or switch points of view at some point and do it all at the same time. Its up to you. But as anyone will tell you, if your readers are not connected to the story then they won't want to read it.

    Just something to keep in mind. So keep up the good work and keep writing. :)
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  • From tawanawelch on August 18, 2008
    OOOOOHHHH!!!! I absolutely LOVE IT!!!! Angels are so beautiful and Naruto definitely could be an Angel. What a great idea for a story!!! Now I'm going to read the latest update to Forgotten that I just saw.
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