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Reviews for Slow dancing in a burning room

By : knize16
  • From spoon10488 on April 14, 2008
    Awesome chapter. I loved the flashback. I can't wait to see what happens next.
    =)
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  • From ANON - gryphonwills on April 14, 2008
    Not bad!
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  • From GeneralTouchstone on April 14, 2008
    Guessing by your profile page, you are more the reader than the writer type, yes? I think that reflects in a writer's works also and you are no different. I've done the same things myself and that's what keeps me (almost) firmly in that camp.

    For someone who hates to write, I think you're doing a good job. "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" is the first of your stories I've read but I'm willing to look into your others. You have a good vocabulary and grammatically, you trump about 90% of AFF.net's other authors. That just earned you massive points.

    Despite the clichéd plot line, you have enough originality to keep it afloat. I'm a firm believer that anything can be written as long as it is written well. Aside from that, MPreg in any form tickles my fangirl bone. Bless you for broaching that genre.

    I admit you started out very stilted in your writing. Pulling back to what I said originally, that's something most reader cum writers do--so fed up with poorly written fiction, they overcompensate in their own writing. I'm happy to say that you're loosening up and finding your style. Keep it up!

    Mpreg stories such as this require OCs, unfortunately, and I'm afraid you're walking a very dangerous line with yours. Haruhi smells a bit like a Mary Sue what with her love of books and abnormal intelligence and beauty and whatnot. Keep in mind she's a seven year old little girl. Any child produced by those two super-nin is going to be special but not *that* special. I'd like to love her, but right now I'm leery.

    Concerning your worry about smut scenes, don't sweat it. I think you're doing fine with this one. Writing Kyuubi!Naruto effectively is hard, and I think you made him a bit mellow but understandable considering the tenuous relationship between Sasuke and him. Any sex scene between them at this stage of the series is going to be both awkward and hot. I enjoyed your depiction of Sasuke in this scene because I can’t imagine him pushing Naruto away when he’s discovering sex for the first time himself. Naruto’s involvement was a bit confusing to me though. Where did Kyuubi end and Naruto start? It was a bit sketchy in some parts, although I know it won’t be terribly clear because it was in Sasuke’s POV at that point. NaruSasu rocks, by the way. Not many people understand that relationship dynamic. Also, I'm very curious how Haruhi is going to be conceived, seeing how your last chapter ended with the nontypical sex partner arrangement. Points for originality.

    Excuse me if I sound negative--I'm not trying to be. I believe you're doing a good job and I imagine with more practice you're going to produce some fantastic stuff. Just don't let it dwindle. Keep writing and evolving. So many decent authors lose interest and their potential is wasted. Shift your reader mindset to a writer mindset and keep going. I'm rooting for you!



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  • From Bookworm51485 on April 13, 2008
    Not gonna comment on the rightness or wrongness of Naruto as seme. Personally I don't like it, I don't see Sasuke as someone who'd let himself be topped especially by his ultimate rival, but whatever floats your boat. I will say though, you'd should change the pairing in the description to SasuNaruSasu instead of SasuNaru.

    I did like the new chapter though. Sakura and Neji is a pairing I've seen a few times and I actually kind of like. And Haruhi is an interesting child, kind of cute. Can't wait to see how she was conceived, and for the present meeting for Sasuke and Naruto. And of course for Naruto to finally make it to Konoha. I guess that all leads to: I hope your next update comes soon.
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  • From Mignonne422 on April 13, 2008
    I love this story so much that I don't understand how I didn't see this last chapter sooner! Really, darling, you're doing a great job.

    The beginning was adorable beyond words. Really, that little girl is waay too cute in all her manipulative glory XD

    Sakura and Neji? Really? Wow. I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around that one. I just...have never pictured those two together. But it's your story, so I trust you.

    The last scene was sweet and so very them. I loved the slighly awkward feeling to it, because really, if it's both their first times, even with a demon fox guiding the way, it wouldn't be perfect. But in a way, that was perfect for them. That little kiss on Naruto's brow just melted me.

    Great job overall.

    On purely technical terms, you should try to expand your descriptive adjectives. Especially for Sasuke. You overuse (to the point of abuse) the term "raven-haired" before a noun, i.e. "raven-haired teen". Try: brunet, black eyed, the Uchiha, dark haired, pale, lean, or just plain Sasuke. At least you don't refer to him as "the raven" (for which I thank you!), but be on the look out for that.

    I don't mean to sound presumptuous, but if you happen to be looking for a beta I'm totally willing to volunteer XD I really do love your story and would be incredibly glad to let you bounce ideas or just purely grammatical things off me, if you'd like. My email is mignonne422@gmail.com

    Really though, great job, sweetie. I do love this story and hope you do update soon!
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  • From lexjamandme on April 13, 2008
    I missed this story!
    I love your portrayal of Jiraiya and him as a 'grandfather' is comical in a good way. Him just hamming it up.
    And the scene... you know what 'scene' I'm talking about. WOW. Just wow.
    Please more... soon. :)
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  • From Raelyn on April 13, 2008
    Yay! An update. It was a good chapter, but it felt like mostly filler as I'm waiting to get back to the present day Naruto and Sasuke. But I know it's important to see what happened to them in the past and I really like where this is going. I thought it was awesome seeing Naruto take charge like that, that was great.

    Can't wait for more!

    ps: Haruhi is just sooo cute!
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  • From Nikana on April 13, 2008
    fiu! thanks for the author note, guess what? before I read it I was raking by brains for a nice (less illogical) way for Naru chan to get pregnant but now am not freaking out anymore ^^
    Nice work, Haruhi its just adorable
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  • From ANON - Damp on April 13, 2008
    Okay then, so if Naruto doesn't get pregnant from this encounter,then, how does he get pregnant??

    -Damp *Yay!! You update!!*
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  • From mrk33 on April 13, 2008
    Glad to see you have decided to complete this story.
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  • From lovemeornot on April 13, 2008
    please update soon this was oh my god good
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  • From ANON - Word_Slave on April 13, 2008
    Yea!!!!! an update!! I'm sooo glad. I really like this fic. But um, doesn't Naruto have to be on the recieving end in order to get preggers.... *smirks* I think this was a really good chapter. I like the confident Naruto and can't wait for more. I know just how hard it can be to write sometimes. Thanks for putting in the effert.
    Slave
    Oh, and did I say I can't wait for more???
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  • From ANON - SerenaCelestra on April 05, 2008
    I love your chapter

    It´s good written and has no errors(or none that I can detect)

    But "see ya soon"!? I don´t want to insult you but it´s been almost THREE months.But I can understand you really I have a problem when I write something that I can´t post it quickly

    So bya
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  • From Ihadadream on March 30, 2008
    I love this story! Please continue! it's been soooo long without an update!! I wanna know what happens next, please???
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  • From mrk33 on March 25, 2008
    Love the story hope you finish, look forward to the next chapter....
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