Click Here!

  • 1

Reviews for Closer to You

By : Sukara
  • From Nickname on November 26, 2007
    You need to work on your grammar quite a bit.

    For starters, the word 'your' is the possessive form of the word 'you.' 'You're' is the contraction 'you are.'

    The word 'then' shows transaction, whereas the word 'than' shows a comparison between two things.

    Verb tense agreement is another thing you need to work on.

    Many of your paragraphs are also very awkwardly worded. Take for example:
    "Shino noooo!! Not again!" The rest of the night was filled with good smex."

    Filled with good 'smex?' Isn't that the word twelve year old children use on the internet?

    "... the second time that day/night."

    Why 'day/night?' Settle for either the word day, or the word night. You're being redundant and it's just an awkward phrase.

    Also:

    "~LEMON~"
    "~End LEMON~"

    Those just ruin the flow of the story. I believe the reader of the story KNOWS that that the upcoming scene will be a 'Lemon.' I don't think they need to be told when it starts and when it ends...

    The fact that you say you spent eight hours on this story is... rather unbelievable. I don't think you're even of legal age to be on this website. If English isn't your first language, I would understand, however, that doesn't seem to be the case here.

    Regards,
    ~ PP
    Report Review

  • From MoveThemHands on September 15, 2007
    Aww that was cute. I love when Shino is seme ^__^

    Good job! Kinda weird in some parts (you switched their names in a part and confused me) but it was still enjoyable! Thanks for sharing this. Later!
    Report Review

  • 1
T.O.S. | Content Guidelines | DMCA Info | F.A.Q. | Facebook | Tumblr | Abuse | Support | Contact | Donate

Click Here!