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Reviews for A Long Time Coming

By : ladyofhiei
  • From RogueMudblood on March 22, 2012

    I realize this is old, but I'm going to give some basic advice: please run spell-check on your story before you post it. Examples:

    baco to where, onlt desired, the sunsel, seperate, droolworthy, neveer, amd, oen

    While it will give you difficulty with things like kyuubi, it can be trained to recognize those words which you use frequently in a fandom setting. Training it for that would also help with the capitalization of proper nouns (Sasuke).

    You also have a run-on sentence that detracts from readability:

    He was the fourth to reach the rank of Chuunin, able to lead a team, All the time, Sasuke was still a Gennin.

    as well as a fragment issue: Sasuke said, Naruto laughed.

    Also, when writing he said (or an equivalent) after dialogue, please remember that the end punctuation before the closing quotation mark should be a comma, not a period. Examples:

    something.' Sasuke thought, slowly." Sasuke said, know." Sasuke said, up." Naruto said

    I appreciate your wanting to clarify who is speaking each line; however, the repetitive use of the word 'said' does not help your story to flow.

    If you have not obtained a beta (I see you haven't posted since 2007), then I would suggest looking for one. They can help you to polish up issues like this in your writing so that your story shines through.

    As to the sex scene itself, it feels very rushed. They've just had a large meal, it's supposed romantic, but I get the impression that it's more of an 'afternoon delight'. They're rushing to get each other's clothes off, the foreplay is nonexistent, and the scene itself happens so quickly, that all the intrigue you've created to lead to this point seems counterproductive. Sasuke's comment about Naruto's stamina seems ill-placed as well; he himself reached climax with only two strokes to his prostate.

    Overall, I think you could have a romantic piece here, but I don't think that this achieves your desired effect. While I'm certain of the feelings that both Naruto and Sasuke harbor for each other in your description of them, I'm not as certain of their relationship based on the story you've told. Especially in light of their sexual encounter, they appear more to be 'friends-with-benefits' than to be potential lovers.

    If you choose to edit this, I hope you will consider obtaining a beta to help you with the flow of the story.

    Happy writing.
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