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Reviews for Lonely Heirs

By : MicMic
  • From JadedGothButterfly on November 04, 2008
    Interesting.

    Apart From Simple Grammatical Errors And A Lack Of Punctuation Marks,I Like The Story.

    It's Very Sweet.

    Also,The Twists & The Plot Changes Are Exciting.

    Update,Soon.
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  • From Aleya on March 16, 2008
    Man... thats messed up the whole Hanabi thing.. also i'm totally disappointed that you've no updated has this fic died? I hope not... continue on soon *Sends good writing vibes your way*
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  • From ANON - Anon on May 17, 2007
    Please don't tell me this is it!! Keep it going man!!!

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  • From silverwing on March 27, 2007
    You know what Gaara's problem is, don't you? He needs to get laid... Why else do you think he is so cranky. I think they make a cute pairing, partially because they are my two favorite characters in the show, although their personalities couldn't be further apart. I suppose that is how he might act in such an environment.

    You had Gaara admit his love for Hinata, and he wants her to love him. So write another chapter, and add some "love" for us lol.

    I noticed Neji was pretty friendly with his cousin, and seemed rather jealous. Is there something going on behind closed doors in the Hyuuga home? And how will the Hyuuga family contend with meeting Gaara? Maybe she should invite him over for dinner. Not like he has anything better to do with his time, except kill people with sand!!!

    Nice job, I enjoyed it, but it needs a lot of work. Try keeping them in their perspective range of personality. Gaara is selfish, I can see him being the controlling-jealous boyfriend type.
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  • From Aoekae on March 18, 2007
    i like it. write more please?
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  • From ANON - Arisa on January 12, 2007
    Aww... i really like this story its getting very interesting keep it up i want to know wat happens next ^_^-
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  • From ANON - swissnights on January 12, 2007
    can you update and when you do can you e-mail me please
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  • From ANON - TerraChrono on January 04, 2007
    I read the 3rd chap at 3 am on Jan. 2nd. Then, I spent ages writing an incredibly detailed review note, but it didn't get through because of daily maintenance!. In short, I will say that I like the CONCEPT of your story very much, as I am a big fan of WAFF-style Hinata fics to begin with, and I like your story in its CONCEPT. What I contend against is its DELIVERY, which in your case means bypassing punctuation. Here are some examples from your third chapter of your punctuation omission, followed by their punctuated brethren:
    Oh no! Gaara it’s almost dusk how long was I asleep! ...Oh no! Gaara, it’s almost dusk! How long was I asleep?
    He clutched his heart the pain was so unbearable he needed to see Yashamaru to see Hinata to see anyone. ...He clutched his heart. The pain was so unbearable. He needed to see Yashamaru, to see Hinata, to see anyone.
    These are by far not the only errors, although you seemed fairly loyal to using punctuation through the first half of the story. The reason why I critique you on grammar is because improper grammar affects how much stress some words or phrases receive. For instance, in the first correction, the second exclamation point is interchangeable with a period, depending on how worried or panicked you want Hinata to sound while speaking in that sentence. However, the second reason is because grammatical correction is a form of revision, since you are re-reading the material looking to improve it. When you revise, even with the goal being grammatical revision, you are still likely to see a part of the story that you want to elaborate on or to change in some way. The changed product may be better or worse, but it will usually be better.
    Aside from the grammar, however, I picked up on another error that is, at the very least, common in this chapter, especially in the scene where Gaara is showing Hinata the amusement park of sand at his hideout. Both Gaara and Hinata's speech tends to fluctuate between childhood and adulthood in complexity, which is all fine and good as long as you consistently progress from simple to complex speech and the chapter takes up multiple years. In this chapter, however, it seemed as though their speech was fairly childish at first, but then it changes without warning at the amusement park scene, then it switches randomly between the two after that. I'm sorry I can't pull up any specific examples (this review is looking too long as it stands) but if you compare a speech excerpt of them both from the beginning, middle, and end of this chapter, you will likely notice the fluctuation as well. Overall, I think this third chapter was a good improvement over the first two, but there are still some kinks to work out.

    Looking forward to your future works
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  • From ANON - litlefox1227 on December 05, 2006
    oh, the cuteness! i had no idea gaara and hinata could be so cute together. please keep going! i can't wait till they're older and the real fun starts! ^_^ heh heh
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  • From promise2003 on December 02, 2006
    I feel like it's been far longer than 3 weeks...oh lordy, and not only that, I almost missed the update (and that would have been TERRIBLE). I love GaaHina...it is fluffy love with sand. Hee-hee. I can't wait to see what you have planned for this story. At this point, I don't think I really care where you take it as long as it keeps its happy little tone that you are using. It is such a good story *Lemon Drops gushes and smiles and hops up in down because she loves it SOOOOOOOO much*

    Anywhoosit, here is a happy little review to spur you into writing faster. ;)
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  • From ANON - TerraChrono on December 02, 2006
    Your writing is a poem of three words: Your grammar sucks! Come on! This piece actually looks like it could shape up to be something, yet the screams of pain coming from your butchered sentences threatens to scare away any potential readers. The biggest problem I can see is comma usage, which you use about as often as apple sauce is used for soap. After that comes paragraph seperation. Take heart; there is a diamond underneath the dirty coal, but you need to do some more chiseling before its brilliance can be done justice, much less realized. Find a grammar website, and re-learn the properties of the comma, post-haste!
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  • From ANON - prinlita on October 29, 2006
    I really like the start of your fic. I love hinata garra fics they are my favorite. I'd rather have a little kid time, and more adult time in answer to your question. Anyway can't wait for your next chapter. More More!!!!
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  • From ANON - prinlita on October 29, 2006
    I really like the start of your fic. I love hinata garra fics they are my favorite. I'd rather have a little kid time, and more adult time in answer to your question. Anyway can't wait for your next chapter. More More!!!!
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  • From promise2003 on October 29, 2006
    Oh my gosh! I love Gaara and Hinata together! And I love your fic so far. There was one on here recently that was about Gaara raping HInata that made me wanna cry (because the technical writing was horrid and it was Gaara raping Hinata **cries vehemently about the horrid thought**). The reason I brought that up (because it is probably rather bad fanfic author etiquette to rant about another person's story in a review) is that you gave me a fic about one of my favorite couples that was so cute and well written that it made the evil pain of the other fic go away.

    Like I said, I LOVE Gaara/Hinata, but I don't write them that well. I don't know why (I love Gaara to DEATH but am not that great at writing him) but he always turns out a bit wonky in my stories. So thank you (THANK YOU!!!!!!!) for giving me this little gem that is instantly added to my fav fanfic bookmarks. YAY!
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