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Reviews for NARUTO: Lost with You

By : icelycan
  • From ANON - Free Hugs on December 16, 2006
    Hiii. This is the person who wrote a realllly long review for your last story, I think I put "Deeply Scared In Darfur" or some shit, I dunno. But anyway, I read this one just now. Firstly, I'd like to say, compared to the last one, wow, this was gold. You've really improved, I think. There were a few mistakes, but overall its so much better! Obviously there wasn't any sex just yet, so I can't comment on that, but here are a few (more) tips on improving that much more:

    1. Remember your tenses! As in past-tense and present-tense, of course. I'm not sure if I commented on this in my last review, but yeah. Still kind of a problem. A hint, past-tense is so much easier to write, so maybe stick with that?

    2. Every time a new person speaks, you MUST have a line-break. Its a very very set rule in writing, so please try to include that. Also it lengthens your story a fair bit, it looks more professional, and you can much more easily tell when a conversation is dragging on.

    3. Now, this wouldnt have been an issue in the last one, as it was a one-shot, but this is obviously going to be a longer story, so here it is: be sure to plan out where exactly you're going with this. Meaning beginning (duh), at least SOME middle (as in at least three chapters worth of plot), and finally how its going to end. Its much easier to get somewhere when you know exactly where you want end up. This applies in writing too. With smut, is really a better idea not to get too carried away with the plot, or you might end up forgetting the smut altogether! Also, be sure to not plan an epic sort of novel-length, thirty chapter story, because I can guarantee you'll lose interest. It seems you might have already. My best advice would be to plan out maybe five chapters or so, and try for writing at least one a week. Make sure EACH of them include at least one sex scene. The beginning could be an exception, because you've already finished it, but if you're not opposed to rewriting, I'd say that's your best bet. I know it seems kind of rude to have your characters romping while they should be out looking for a cure for Hana, but maybe they should be having some fun and THEN they find out that she's ill? And that bit could happen in the present tense instead of you explaining it as backstory? It would certainly add more drama, I think, AND it would get the readers interested from the very get-go.

    Of course, these are all just suggestions, and I really do have your best interests at heart, even if I sound slightly forceful. The only other thing I can think of is perhaps trying to make it longer, like I said before. Also, have you gotten a beta-reader yet? Because that really is important. They can pick up on setence structure errors that a spellcheck couldnt dream of understanding.

    Anyway, on a final note, keep practicing, that's the key, and good luck to you!
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  • From icelycan on September 08, 2006
    I do not get notification of reviews, so if you want to contact me, e-mail me at icelycan@yahoo.com thank you.
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