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Reviews for Naruto: HEAT

By : icelycan
  • From ANON - BlueRyuu on November 10, 2008
    The second version is DEFINANTLY better, but you seem to still have problems with your spelling and grammar. I suggest getting a beta-reader to help you; and if you already have one, get 1-2 more (more eyes catch more mistakes!). i saw quite a few spelling errors in there, and some misplaced commas and capitalization... not to mention the wording. Still, the rewritten version is much much MUCH better than the first. Kudos to you!
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  • From ANON - dark dragon on September 12, 2007
    awesone keep up the good work u rock
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  • From ANON - Ducobra on October 21, 2006
    Loved the fic ^v^ it seemed a bit short but it was still great, i never really thought of Akamaru as a girl but now well, i can't think of him as a boy anymore!!! Thankyou this story was Very enjoyable and i can't wait to read you rother work! Two thumbs way up... and something else as well XD ok sorry that might be a little weird but still loved the fic! Please, please make more :: begs like a little puppy:: ;D
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  • From ANON - yo on October 20, 2006
    haahhahaha that was rly weird!!
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  • From ANON - Deeply Scarred In Darfur on September 15, 2006
    Oh my god. Oh My God. OH MY EFFING GOD.

    WHAT THE F-U-C-K ARE THESE REVIEWERS SMOKING? DID THEY PERHAPS HAVE CRACK FOR BREAKFAST?

    This was not good. You should not have "fans", readers, or in fact people who are opposed to the idea of throwing rotton carrots at you in general. The only reviewer that was honest, or else NOT on effing crack, was Jei, and even they were being far too nice by leaving out the fact that you SHOULD NOT BE PUBLISHING C-R-A-P.

    SERIOUSLY.

    If you aren't, say, seven years old, TOPS, you are a fucking idiot. Have you even HAD sex before? I honestly doubt it. NOW, even though this is way past qualifying as a flame, I will try to salvage it by giving you a lot of...constructive critisism. But before I do, please, please, PLEASE, just tell me that you aren't like ten years old. I mean, i KNOW you aren't eighteen or whatever, but...I'm sure there are some illiterate sixteen year olds in the world. Let us just hope, for the sake of your soul, and perhaps mine.

    Now, now, now. What needs improving, you ask? Welllll. Its hard to put this exactly nicely, but...everything. I know I swear a lot, but sincerely, its only when I'm deeply agrravated.

    1. Proper grammar.

    a)Nobody on the fucking planet NEEDS to write in notepad. NOBODY. There is no reason to. If you do in fact write in msword, please, PAY ATTENTION TO THE LITTLE RED SQUIGGLIES FOR GOD'S SAKE. THey are they for more than looking pretty. Nobody on the planet has an excuse for spelling mistakes in msword.

    b)Also, get a beta reader. I know, it takes mroe time and all, but if you have a beta reader, YOUR readers will thank you. They might even compliment you with reason. Oooh, score for you. Get a beta reader.

    c)I dont care if it is "your style" or in "play form" or, really, ANY other excuses you would like to make, but you really have got to use proper grammar. There are sooooooo many things wrong with this story, I cant even lsit them all. Find a tutorial about writing, study it a little, try to apply the rules to your story.

    Don't want to? Don't care enough to make the effort? DON'T POST STORIES. Seriously, man, these arent helping anyone, except maybe a few losers who can get off from reading "Once inside he lost control of himself at the shear control of her mucles and the 2-4 degree hotter body of Akamaru's."

    2. This Is Smut, Not The Discovery Channel

    We know what a dog is. We know they have holed that people can stick things in if they so desire. What we do not need to know is the fact that female dogs have great control of their vaginal muscles, or that dogs body temperatures are two to four degrees hotter than ours. Now, if you want to incorperate those facts into your story as accuracy, you can casually mention the fact that she's "searing hot" inside or that...well, I don't write dog porn, I'm not really fit to give examples like these. Fact is, mentioning things in passing is fine, but spouting them off like little fun facts as you did is jsut not okay for a story, especially one that is focused mainly on sex. It really...ruins the mood, to put it bluntly. Especially when its back to back with the actual entering of organs and whatnot.

    3. You have a story that's...around two pages long, or something? And about...three sentences are dedicated to the actual act. The rest is drivel. Well, the sex is drivel too, if you're counting, but still. Make it longer. People will thank you. Really. There are...different things you can do while having sex, EVEN with a dog, I imagine. And you would probably know this if you'd had sex before, but hey, don't let me stop you from writing teh pr0n.

    4. Be descriptive. And dont use the same words over and over and over. Use a thesaurus if you really need to. Mostly, read a good peice of smut(look at someone's fic recs, don't trust your own judgement) and see how many times they use the word "penis". Probably once or twice. They vary it up a little with things like "member," "manhood," "cock," and if they're feeling especially crude, "dick".

    If you find you're running out of things to say, and you've still only got about a paragraph of sex happening, make some rules for yourself. First, say you can do...three positions or acts minimum. I'd say five personally, but if you don't know that many, dont sweat it. And also bulk things up a bit by describing jsut how wet and juicy and hard and soft everything is. Don't describe the bedsheets.

    I know some of that was mean, but I have to go now, and I'm sorry if I've broken your spirit or whatever. Keep practicing, get a beta, and good luck!
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  • From ANON - Yay on September 07, 2006
    This pairing is pretty unusual....but cool none the less. Please make that new story.
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  • From ANON - Azazel on September 07, 2006
    Awsome.....I have been waiting for this paring. Please continue this story or the one you said you would do.
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  • From ANON - quicksilverlupin on September 04, 2006
    When is the next one going to be ready?
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  • From ANON - huh... on July 30, 2006
    ummm wtf...i guess...2 stars...st max
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  • From ANON - Anon on July 29, 2006
    it sukd alot worz dan mi spelen
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  • From ANON - Anon on July 24, 2006
    kiba's mom is named tsume... just so ya know
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  • From ANON - Jei on June 24, 2006
    All right, that sucked for so many reasons. The most glaring reason I say this is because of the format in which it was written. Pure laziness is what I would guess to be the reason behind this. After all, why would we even want to do something so simple as write, [Kiba said, "Insert text."] when we can write, [Kiba: Insert text.]...

    Really. Also, type out your numbers in word format. Learn proper grammar and spelling. If you're old enough to attempt to write smut, then you should be old enough to understand the basics of our language.

    One more thing. This story was obviously written only for the smut. I don't have a problem with that. However, I find that you would have been better off skipping the quickly written 'excuses' for 'Akamaru's' problem and concentrating on the smut. The entire story, in my opinion, was rather silly, but I knew that it would be when I clicked on the link.

    This is my nice review. I'm leaving out a lot of other things.
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  • From ANON - Anonymous on June 16, 2006
    My advice is to learn proper grammar/get an editor.
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  • From ANON - Dude on the street on June 14, 2006
    well... i just want to say you opened this can of worms, so might as well fish with it! (in otherwords keep it going lol)
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