Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

Reviews for Cursed Love

By : Sukara

From ANON - redtatsu on January 13, 2007
You know what this story needs? An update!!!
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From ANON - kourtney on September 07, 2006
more more more please! love it so far!!!
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From ANON - losthimagain on July 21, 2006
I want to know what's wrong with Naru-chan. Please update soon. I hope he'll be alright.
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From ANON - aria on July 17, 2006
OMG!SOOOO CUUUUTE!!!
I can't wait for the next chap. keep up your good work!
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From ANON - dar on March 12, 2006
OOOOO i really like a jealous possesive sasuke over naruto!!!!!! PLEASE UPDATE SSOON!!! i look forward to reading it!!! um longer chapters? but i guess it is hard to write so much. But keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!
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From ANON - dar on March 12, 2006
OOOOO i really like a jealous possesive sasuke over naruto!!!!!! PLEASE UPDATE SSOON!!! i look forward to reading it!!! um longer chapters? but i guess it is hard to write so much. But keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!
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From ANON - Anon^^ on January 24, 2006
My only advice is not to apologize for your writing like you did at the end of the first paragraph in chapter one, and not to put so many author notes in the story itself, it takes the read out of the story. You can put an asterisk (*) and then at the bottom explain or whatever, but the notes in the middle of the story are distracting.
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From ANON - ranni on January 19, 2006
Love the fic... but why ride the bus if sasuke has a car? Well oh well hope to see more!@
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From ANON - natty on January 18, 2006
not to be nagitave but how did sasuke get a car when they took the bus there. but thats besides the point I love the story keep up with the awsome writing
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From ANON - Saz-san on January 18, 2006
Well, first of all, I'd like to say that you have a good starter in here. BUT I found way too many errors from your text, so I decided to somewhat beta this - or at least try to help you with your language. And please, don't take offence about this, I'm just thinking yours and the readers' best. ^_^

"Golden blond locks moved every so slightly..." -> "...ever so lightly..."

"Somepeople would stop and stare..." -> "Some people..."

"their daughters to wed." -> "...to marry."

"Uzumaki Naruto was making is way..." -> "...his way..." (here, I'm sure, you just haven't noticed to put the 'h' ^^)

"He had the most petit face any girl or boy has seen!" Now here, you see, you need to write in one tense. It makes the text difficult to understand, when in one point it's written in present tense and the next in past tense. So, you need to decide in which tense you're going to write. I suggest that you'd write in past tense because it's easier. When you write in present tense, it easily slip's to the past one. But the decision, of course, is up to you. =) However, you have written this story almost everywhere in past tense, so it's easier just fix those sentences where you've used the present tense.

"Bumping into someone every now and than..." -> "...every now and then..."

"A beautiful girl who also attends Konoha High." -> "...who also attended Konoha High."

"Mou..Naruto-lun, you should be more careful with your things..." -> "Mou.. Naruto-kun..." (yeah, this is just a little typo. ;D)

"...they knew that there teacher would be 45 minutes later or never came at all so they left their books in their bags." -> "...that their teacher would be 45 minutes late or would not come at all..."

"A young lady, looked to be in her early twenties, stepped in and blinked as everyone was looking at her." -> "A young lady, (who) seemed to be in her early twenties, stepped in and blinked as everyone were looking at her."

"The lady let her head dropped..." -> "The lady let her head drop..."

"Finding the person she was looking for she waved." -> I, myself, don't yet know so much about the comma rules, but here it comes like this: "Finding the person she was looking for, she waved."

"Looking up at her, he seen that she had instantly started putting her hands on his forehead, neck and chest." -> "...he saw that she had..."

"Your breathing is harsh, your sweating and you look too pale!" -> "..., you're sweating..."

"...I heard the bells ring so I decided to run so I wouldn't be late..sorry." -> "I heard the bells ring, so I decided to run so that I wouldn't be late."

"...You know that if you do anything reckless than you'll has a less chance of-" -> "... You know that if you do anything reckless, you'll have a less chance of-"

"The who class was staring with interest and..." -> " The whole class..."

"Shizune coughed and led Naruto out of the room and down to the nurses office." -> "... and down to the nurse's office." This same error can be found from some other places' in your story, so where-ever you have intended it to be that someone is going or being or that kinda stuff, you simply write "nurse's" because "nurses" is "a nurse" in plural.

"His long slender fingers touched his chin in thought but was interrupted by a annoying high pitched voice." -> "His long, slender fingers touched his chin in thought, but he was interrupted by an annoying high pitched voice."

"His dark raven locks were..uniqe in a way, his bangs curved his face while in the back of his head, it was spiked in one direction," -> Nothing else wrong in that one, but because the next sentence starts with big letter, this one needs to end with dot. So: "...in one direction."

"She chirped but frowned when he shook his head." -> "She chirped, but frowned..."

"She placed her hands on his hips, her frown still in place." -> I guess, you meant that "she placed her hands on her hips..." ;D

"Now he can have time to himself. The Uchiha thought back to the blond. Yes..his name...Uzumaki Naruto, seat #39. He first noticed him a couple months ago, when Shizune-san would come everyday and ask him to come to the nurses office. He would be there for around fifteen minutes before returning back to class. Now he only goes there around two to three times a week. The Uchiha guess he was the only one who notcied..he also noticed that before Naruto had to be brought to the nurses office, he was quiet popular. He was loud and hyper, he was friends with everybody. But than soon he stopped hanging out with the crowd, he kept himself away from others. Like he was afraid to get into any kind of relationship." -> Now, don't worry! That whole thing ain't wrong. ^^ This is just a good example of that, how important it is to write in one tense. Here we go: "Now he could have time to himself. The Uchiha thought back to the blond. Yes.. his name...Uzumaki Naruto, seat #39. He first noticed him a couple months ago, when Shizune-san would come every day and ask him to come to the nurse's office. He would be there for around fifteen minutes, before returning back to class. Now he went there only about two or three times a week. The Uchiha guessed he was the only one who noticed.. he also noticed that before Naruto had to be brought to the nurse's office, he was quite popular. He was loud and hyper, he was friends with everybody. But then soon, he stopped hanging out with the crowd, he kept himself away from others. Like he was afraid to get into any kind of relationship."

"He's guessing that he best friend, Nara Shikmaru, seat #18, must know what's going on because he never acted like nothing is happening when Naruto's being dragged to the office." -> Here comes the fun part. =D You've written, example "he's" and it's, of course, correct. Because, it can mean two different things: "he is" and "he was". But, I think, you've meant that sentence in present tense, and it can only be seen from the "..like nothing is happening..." But, that, unfortunately, isn't good. But, the good news is that you only need to correct that "is" and everything is ok then. =)

"He elegant eyebrow twitched." -> "Her..."

"...and she had thing eye brows. She dressed in the head nurse outfit, different from Shizune's." -> "...thin eyebrows. She dressed in the head nurse's outfit..."

"He says he got it from soccer but really, he got it from being pushed down the steps." -> "He said he got it from soccer, but really he got it from being pushed down the steps."

"Naruto wasn't a favorite back than but soon..." -> "...back then..."

"Well when I took your temperature earlier it was quiet high, but now it seems fine." -> "Well, when I took your temperature earlier, it was quite high, but now it seems fine."

"Because, I'm going to make sure I have someone to watch over you so you don't overdo things when I'm not around." She glanced at her favorite student, glad with the shocked face he hand on. -> "Because, I'm going to make sure I have someone to look over you, so you don't overdo things when I'm not around." She glanced at her favorite student, glad with the shocked face he had on.

"Than suddenly the old women turned to the Uchiha." -> "Then suddenly, the old woman turned to the Uchiha."

"why is it that I have to do it?..." -> "Why is it..."

"I would have left Nara-san do it but he would complain how troublesome it was or he would get distracted by the clouds." She shrugged her sour shoulders than looked at him with intense eyes. -> "I would have left Nara-san to do it, but he would have complained how troublesome it was or he would have gotten distracted by the clouds." She shrugged her sour shoulders, then looked at him with intense eyes.

"she smiled, forming some crinkles on her cheeks." -> "She smiled..."

"Very well Uchiha-san, watch over Naruto-kun and keep him safe." Her raised a black brow, It was as if she was giving him her first born child. -> "Very well, Uchiha-san. Look over Naruto-kun, and keep him safe." He raised a black brow. It was as if she was giving him her first born child.

"May I ask, why does Naruto need someone to watch over him?" He wished he hadn't said that because instantly Tsunade's face darkened and Naruto looked down. -> "May I ask, why does Naruto need someone to look over him?" He wished he hadn't said that, because instantly Tsunade's face darkened and Naruto looked down.

"She started out but stopped when she saw the look on the blonds face." ->...on the blond's face."

"There, that should clam your nerves down." -> "...should calm..."

"He seen her strength before." -> "He had seen..."

"When they got out into the hall they started to walk back to class." -> "When they got out into the hall, they started to walk back to class."

"Sasuke's breath caught as he seen the sight in front of him." -> "...as he saw..."

"...save the blood running the the middle and down his nose." -> "...to the middle..."

"The blond blinked away his tears as he felt the others tongue licking at his wound." -> "...as he felt the other's tongue..."

"...he wanted to hold the fox like boy closer to him, to feel his warmth against his body"-> "the fox-like boy..." and the dot to the end. ^^ "...his body."

And finally, classroom comes together.

There. I hope it helped you a bit and that my instructions weren't too confused. But like I said, keep on going with writing. You'll learn with time. ^__^

Sincerely yours: Saz-san.
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From ANON - yan-yan on January 18, 2006
uhhmm it really is a good story and mysterious to me... but what's with the car? didn't they just commute to school earlier that day? when did the car magically appeared? ^__^ sorry about that! but I really do like your story! keep it up!
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From ANON - losthimagain on January 18, 2006
What's wrong with Naru-chan??? I want to know what's wrongand how it happend!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please update soon so I can know what's going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-The Update Monster
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From ANON - lily on January 18, 2006
i like the story, but i have one question. how did sasuke's car get there? i mean, didn't he and naruto take the bus to school?
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From ANON - Kagaya on January 18, 2006
Yeah...it lacks detail...but overall its a nice story.

Keep up the good work.

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From ANON - RyuichiSakuma2 on January 18, 2006
Good start! I'd like to see how the story progresses. ^____^

-Ryu
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