Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

Reviews for Chasing Naruto

By : megladon129

From ANON - FlameArchanist on April 24, 2005
To start off with I think, unless you are doing this already, you should try reading the dialogue out loud to yourself or someone else. Sometimes it seems a little choppy. Maybe you could get a better hold on how Neji would talk by not using contractions in his sentences. Just by the way you keep describing him in your story makes him seem sort of snobby...not the kind to say 'don't, couldn't' and the like. Also be careful of contractions that slip their way into the actual narrative of the story, it makes it unprofessional. Your insults could use a little work...I can't believe Naruto calling Neji 'Eye boy'...so many characters in this story have oddish eyes. Try something besides 'Description with boy behind it'. Also be careful of the tone you use with each character. Try really expressing yourself through the character so that as the reader sees each sentence they could really tell who is talking without using he said she said type supports. With the action scenes, specifically the basketball game between Kiba and Naruto, I really didn't get the impression that Naruto was doing anything to actually get sweaty. A little more detail could have embellished that part well. I liked the tussle between Neji and Naruto. I could visualize what type of positions they were in, but I thought it strange that they made no noises...like 'oomph' or maybe a little ouch if one of them pinned the other too hard. Their conversation seemed detached from the fight until Naruto kept pausing his speech due to lack of air. I would like to know more about what is going on in Naruto's head besides little humorous liners that just pertain to the conversation at hand. Perhaps you should give him a little alone time so he can sort things out in his head and clarify his feelings to himself. On the other hand I did enjoy your story so far. The concept has a nice little twist, though I think it would be funny if one of the more outgoing girls tried to compete for Naruto and have the trio gang up on her.
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From ANON - kai on April 24, 2005
i re-read your fic and this time read the AN!! Sorry for being one of those one-liners!! Sorry about that. As for the story, I really enjoy it emmensly!! I like that you have all my fave characters fighting over naruto! Although it's a sasu/naru fic, I'm rooting for Gaara, why because they belong together that's why!! Anyways, as for your fic, you keep everyone in character and gaara's lil wager idea, I can see him doing that, so that no one get's what he wants!! And for your writing style, I really enjoy it, so keep up the great work!! XDD
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From ANON - ayonoi on April 24, 2005
The scene between the three suitors was the best I think, I was slightly surprised that it was Gaara that proposed the wager, I don't think he could gamble his friend's happiness. But it worked out. At least, the ultimate decision is up to Naruto. I think the plot you are following is good.
I
found the dream sequence a little confusing, it started as an amusing thing, then it was like a parody of those old horror movies and then it became more serious. I am not sure what you were shooting for. Was it supposed to be humorous or semi-serious? It was interesting how Kiba saw things and how that image materialized differently in Naruto's dreams. I think I liked Kiba's view better.

Overall, the chapter was not as tight as it could have been. Regardless, I enjoyed it. Good luck.

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From ANON - kai on April 24, 2005
naruto is forseeing the future!!! XDDD Update soon!!!
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From ANON - lje on April 24, 2005
I've been enjoying this story immensely, and look forward to all of your updates. You're writing is good and I've noticed very few mistakes. I'm also very impressed with the way in which you've managed to give an original take on the characters of naruto while still keeping them believable and in character. Despite your frequent posts, you've consistently produced good work. Of the two stumbling blocks i've come across, one is trying to picture naruto being jacked, and able to lift 350+ pounds. I'm not saying that it can't be pulled off, but that maybe it just needs to have a little more support for it to really be believable. The second is that i find it also somewhat unbelievable that naruto just happens to have a bunch of male friends who suddenly have taken an interest him. I'm not sure what you have planned for the future of your story, but more background for all of the guys chasing naruto and the a bit about the development of their relationships would probably resolve that difficulty. Otherwise, I've been having a great time reading your story. Once again, you're writing is good and the way you've captured the characters is impressive. There is also a really good review of your piece on this site: http://www.collide.snowfaerie.net/
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From ANON - Rachel Dracon on April 24, 2005
I know what you mean about the one-line reviews. If I've been guilty of leaving you one of those I greatly apologize, it means I was in a hurry when I left it, which often happens because I tend to check in on fan fics between classes. Great chapter, very funny. The Kiba/Hinata moment was very nice, a breath of fresh air between the important scenes to give us a moment to collect our thoughts. Expertly used. The dream was interesting, kind of foreboding though, like all three of them are going to be losing this, and Naruto will come out victorious and alone. Dunno, just the sense I got from it. One thing I love about Naruto in this fic is how much there's really going on beneath the I-don't-pay-attention-at-all exterior. It's nice to see him sharp and in control for once when people often write him as idiotic. He's a nice main character you can really get into, because he KNOWS, which means he's got a leg up on those around him in one sense. Hope to see another chapter soon!
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From ANON - Kirei Kitsue on April 24, 2005
Hey, everyone! Kirei here! Some of you probably know me. Anyway, I'm not here to talk about me. I'm here to say first "I'm so proud of AkaiTsume for her wonderful job with this one!" I've been reading this one with gleeeeeeeeee. So, kudos, Akai.
NOW, to all of you...
WTF. Uhm... I don't know if many of you have noticed, but ... the story is labeled NaruSasu. Blatantly. So, relax everyone. There will be Naruto x Sasuke action (take note of the order of the names please). On another note... there's one review up there... I think you're having trouble understanding the whole story overall... The story is called "Chasing Naruto"... meaning it's about uh... chasing.... naruto.... There's gotta be a lot of push and pull. And the fact that it's a three-way COMPETITION lends to that. Their pasts shouldn't matter since it's AU, one, and two, it's been done so much that you should be able to just accept that they are the way they are. Standarized is the word that comes to mind actually. Same with the undying affection that Naruto's receiving. It's reference to the actual anime while being unique by not being specific. The dream with the animals was pure symbolism... and maybe foreshadowing. They don't have powers or they'd have probably displayed them by now. Neji's decision to court Naruto is just an added twist to the actual plot. Nothing seperate. He's still chasing Naruto.
As for Naruto melting people with a smile... well DUH! He's older. He's always been charismatic (goes back to that Kishimoto "changes peoples' lives" 'technique'). And now he knows how to use that charisma. He does like mirrors - so he knows he's pretty - and he's learned what works and what doesn't. It's not like he's a social cripple. It has been hinted that he's dated. A LOT. lol. To the comment about it seeming off that Gaara, Neji and Sasuke would make the bet, *incorrect buzzer* Uh... It's a challenge. They're the type of guys that LIKE challenges.
One last thing guys... and I'm not trying to bash anyone here, but seriously, give poor Akai some credit for orchestrating such a twisty-turvey-complex story...
Smut ISN'T everything! I **LOVE** it as much as the next yaoi-fangirl, so don't get me wrong. It's just that a lot of you seem to enjoy nagging the poor girl: "kinda of mundane though since there is no sasuke and naruto action!" - "This is going to be SasuNaru right?" - "Naruto is way flirtacious but he should flirt more with sasuke...cause there was no sasuke/naruto anything in this last chapter." - for just a few examples.
Sit back and enjoy the ride folks. Instead of pouting when there isn't smut in this chapter or the next one, look forward to it and enjoy the "Chase", the hints, the antici....pation. ^___^
So GREAT JOB, Akai! Keep 'em guessing and keep those naughty boys out of the "gutter" for a little while longer. I'm "sort of" a sportsman... I like the hunt. Keep it up. I'm intrigued and enjoying the image of Sasuke in that nice red hunt coat and....... BREECHES *squeeeee*. "Tally-Ho!!!!" *sounds the bugle and slaps Sasuke's horse's rump to jumpstart it, grinning as the hounds bay*
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From ANON - Jiro on April 24, 2005
Well, the dream sequence was a little confusing. Not because it was poorly written or because the meaning was obscured, it's just that the MEANING of the meaning behind it confuses me (alright, that was a bad way of explaining it). Basically Naruto's dream implies that he doesn't want Gaara, Neji, and Sasuke fighting over him but the fact that he then pummles them into oblivion implies that he doesn't even like ANY of them romanitically either. Which confuses me b/c from what's been written so far it definitely seems like Naruto is into Sasuke (I guess it's possible that as a SasuNaru fan I've been LOOKING for that, but I try to read as objectively as possible so...). Anyway the dream implied to me that Naruto DOES NOT want to get into a relationship with Sasuke/is not really attracted to him, while the rest of the story leading up to it DOES imply that. This is an obvious contradiction and it confuses me. I figure I'm misinterpreting the dream or I'm misinterpreting the story. Maybe both. So that's my review. Hope it was long enough.

P.S. You say 3 eyes approached him in the dream... I think you mean 3 SETS OF eyes appraocehd him.
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From ANON - lillilly on April 23, 2005
Hey it's me again. I liked this chapter. The only thing that bothered me was when Naruto and Niji were on the hill he just left in a hurry without much explaniation. We know that he wasn't in a rush to go to class, so why did he suddenly leave? Did he see Garra and Sasuke? if he did what did he think? It seemed a little rushed at that point. But besides that keep up the good work. Can't wait to see what goes on when they go home. Oh and another thing (sorry I hope I'm not being to opinionated), I wish that the bet would have come sooner. It's just that since the bet just went down we know that they wont kiss over the weekend because it wouldn't be fair to Garra or Niji not to give them a chance.That's all for now. Keep writing ;)
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From ANON - Takanori on April 23, 2005
As a whole your story so far is very intriging. It takes a lot for me to keep on coming back to read a story. So that means your doing something right. I like the way that you add hmour to your chapters but also great suspense. Not to mention the way you right the characters is very well done.

I would have to say to date, my favourite bit of humour would have to be when Sasuke is stroking the washing machine/or dryer and chuckling to himself and Naruto walks in on him.

So yes, as for grammar and punctuation, very well done. You have a good story here and I will continue to read it. As long as you wish to write it.
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From ANON - Kori Nibiki on April 23, 2005
That was an awesome dream sequence. Great job!
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From ANON - Myuki-chan on April 23, 2005
Heeey there! XD
You've reached 10000 hits! Congrats! :D
Ahaha... when Gaara and Sasuke noticed Neji on the hill with Naruto... my first thought, "They are SO going to kick his ass."
Poor Naruto. XD Everyone loves him. Or... at least wants to jump him lol
I'm looking forward to seeing how Sasuke's weekend works out... and the contest for Naruto's kiss XD
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From ferenatical on April 23, 2005
kinda confused over the last part... So are they just normal uni students or actually have powers like in the real manga series? I mean.... Is it possible for Gaara to erhem... anihilate the both of his enemies if he is just a college student? well... maybe that was just a figurative... anyway great as usual! kinda of mundane though since there is no sasuke and naruto action! they are the best parts in the story :D but i am looking forward to sasuke visiting naruto... heheh.... Update soon ok? if im not wrong you update 2 times per week so till next time and more narusasu action! hmmm... four of them getting it on will be fun in naru's dream :P
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From ANON - Puchu on April 23, 2005
constructive criticism, eh? not my best side, since I'm not that good a writer myself...

but I'll do my best.

Hmm... You have great grammar, and you seem to be making sure that your sentences are not repetitive, which is good, and something a lot of fic-writers forget. 50 sentences starting with the word "he" is a strain on a reader's patience.. ^^; So applause to you on that point!

Also, your descriptions of surroundings etc, and narrative is interesting, and you do not rely too much on conversation to drive the story. Yet another applause. Dialoge-"only" fics often get dull and confusing.

I also love all the hintage! completely normal actions like basket sounding so ecchi that you want to drool! I LOVE THAT! XDXDXD *dances* yes, I'm a perv. And seeing that I'm a perv, I would very much like a lemon soon~! but don't rush the lemon, please�

But anyway, great chapter in a great story. I can't think of anything to complain about. You update quickly, you have good grammar, a nice plot and a interesting way of telling the story, so keep up the good work, and please update soon!
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From ANON - Yami-Hikari on April 23, 2005
Hmm, dream sequences seem a bit airy-fairy. But it's your story!
Okay, No more one-liners. So, here's what I like about this story:
The changing POVs, THe complete obliviousness of Naruto, The uncertinaty of which one is gonna get him, The fact Kiba is his roommate and confidant, The easy to read paragraphing, And the fact that Gaara is acting totally bonkers over Naruto, yet is still in character.
What I'm not sure about: This whole 'going over to Narutos house' Thing. Are you sure you're going to be able to write that? I hope you've got something planned, because I find it impossible to write 'at home' scenes. Mind you, you're ten times the writer I am.
Where is this fic going to go? You need a focus point, or else it'll drag. Mind you, the going home thing can be a focal point for the next few chapters.

I hope I haven't offended you. The reason most people do only short reveiws is becasue they're afraid of offending you and having you discontinue the story. So please don't get angry at me! I know you're a better writer than me, and I should probably not lecture you. But I really love this story and if I have to wait longer times for chapters, I will go Gaara and kill the nearest potted plant.
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