Adult-FanFiction.org : Naruto

Reviews for Chasing Naruto

By : megladon129

From ANON - ayonoi on April 28, 2005
I was extremely amused by the usage of the song. Naruto seems to milk the innuendos for all it is worth. Good choice, it made for good reading. Some character development for Kiba was nice, it is good to know that he isn't just a roommate but that he has been friends with Naruto for a long time. I really would like to see that little more.

Sasuke amuses me although sometimes I feel his inner Sasuke comes out more often into the open (that is why it is so teasable). I don't like Neji in this chapter..I can't tell why but it was funny the way he handled the whole situation. Don't mind me.

The last line of the fic was interesting, it is a good development, and I am curious as how it will flow from here.
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From ANON - yukiko on April 28, 2005
ooouh, the song looks good, and thanks a lot for Kiba, or else sasuke would have beena a real ass.

and damn Neiji, can't say if he's dumb or a genius yet ...
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From ANON - kai on April 28, 2005
nice trunk!! Anyways, I really loved the song, had my laughing for ages!! Your writing is awesome, i love it!! As for the whole flower scene from Neji, that was funny, very poteic guy, seems ooc and not so ooc at the same time. I don't know how that works but it does. XD You kept that Naruto lives alone, like the manga, in an apartment and all, great job!! I thought you put him in a house or something, since you did say kids but you didn't. Hehehe, Sasuke and Naruto in the same bed, jump him Sasuke, you know you want to!! Anyways, kids? whose kids? who haven't you mentioned in this fic, shikamaru, chouji, shino? Any of them or some other people? hmmm...update soon!!
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From Ghostninja85 on April 28, 2005
Ah-HAH!!! You did update today.

I already mentioned all of the points I could think of to you ealier, so I won't repeat them here.

OK. I'll ttyl. Update as soon as you can!
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From avanhorn on April 28, 2005
Really great! I am so enjoying this story! It is killing me! I want to know what Naruto is thinking!!! Please update soon!
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From ANON - azamaria-chan on April 28, 2005
Great job so far. I highly enjoy your writing style, it's fun and humourous while being well written at the same time. The love triangle or should I say square, between the boys cracks me up. I love the rivalry between the boys and their lusting for Naruto. Another thing I want to mention is the way you described Naruto, it's so hard to find a good fic with a seme Naruto. I honestly picture him the same way, tall and big, not the sissy short Naruto I'm always reading about.
I'm trying to write something constructive but nothing major comes to mind! >___
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From ANON - dinkscythe on April 27, 2005
ch 8

Jeez, you're so demanding... i'll try to say something constructive, though i'm letting you know right now that i appreciate an artist at work, and have been enjoying what you've produced so far.

Your Naruto is both naive and conniving, laidback and determined. I really like such a character of contradictions, and I think you've managed to pull it off by imbuing this Naruto with a sense of history that we are not privy to yet for the most part. He's a complex character with a past that has shaped his present. Hmm, kudos to you for managing to do this without resorting flagrantly to flashbacks and soliloquy. In general, I think your characterizations manage to respect the recognizable canon characters, while still believably changing them to reflect the different relationships and circumstances presented in this AU.

Speaking of mystery, don't think I haven't noticed all the allusions to Naruto spending his time elsewhere, doing some unknown thing, and lying particularly to Sasuke about it! I wanna know, damn it! *growls*

That moment when Sasuke and Neji look at each other and perfectly agree to keep Gaara away from Naruto? Priceless!

That moment when Gaara threatens to kill Sasuke and Neji in their sleep? Equally priceless. Also, I subconsciously substituted "in YOUR sleep" with "in MY sleep," and smirked madly at the implied reference to canon Gaara's homicidal inner demon coming out in his sleep. Doesn't Gaara seem like a particularly out-of-control homicidal bad-ass when he says he can kill in his sleep? :)

_> ^_^ Go Hinata! Go Kiba! Go Hinata! Go Kiba! Eh, they're both so uber-cute, I couldn't settle on cheering just one of them on.
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From ANON - Naino on April 27, 2005
Uh, there seems to be quite a bunch of long reviews already and I agree with most of them...But I thought to empahize some points I personally find important. :3
I enjoy your story a lot, especially because the fast updates and the humor (oh, the April Fool made me grin for hours). It stands on its own just fine and I quote one reviewer
saying that you shouldn't base your writing on the critics' words but use them as a support for it. Maybe you find something you haven't thought of before?

Pixiequeen had a very good review, I especially agree with her in the mention of Sasuke being OOC and the lack of description.

I'm aware of this being AU but reading fanfics where the characters don't think or act like they do in Kishimoto's story kind of takes away most of the fun, since people read them
because they love the original story and characters. Sasuke is a hard one to write but if you can fit him in the story and still make him feel his natural self people will worship you. :D
I'd also advice being careful with the character relations so they wouldn't come too black and white, like the mentioned saint/devil and my personal dislike, uke/seme. Some people like it when
there's a clear difference between Naruto and Sasuke, other one being the girly submissive and other the violent dominating one, both in physical and mental features. I, however, like
them most when they're presented as equals like in the manga.*shrug*

The description doesn't need to be anything big, good authors usually can say the important stuff with just a few lines, but a little more here would be nice. It gives depth for a story.
And, it would be interesting to see how does your writing style handle description. :3

Um, English isn't my native language (even though that's no excuse) so please forgive me the grammar/typing mistakes. ^^;

Hee, I'll be waiting for the next chapter.
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From ANON - Zassmy on April 27, 2005
Here it is: A non-one-liner review!!

First a couple of questions:
~Are you going to tie in Naruto's dream in the future, because that would make your fic sooooo much better. (I especially hate it when author's put a cool little tidbit and leave it hanging. It's like the difference between a REAL good movie and a mediocre one - the first one uses everything throughout the movie and the second leaves bits and pieces hanging here and there.)

~Are the kids Konohomaru and his gang?

~Do you plan on tieing Jirayah into the story? It would be cool if you did something different with him - the whole not quite but still a good teacher or a good role model.

~Who raised Naruto? It seems "Auntie" Tsuande dropped in and out, but to go for the AU that resembles our world he'd need to be taken care of by someone untill he was at least 17/18 and it would be way to convinent for Jirayah to have had raised him. Having Naruto grow up all on his own just isn't realistic.

~Are you going to comment on any relationship between Neji and Hinata? Possibly incorporate Kiba? (Another random thought...)

~I bet you've heard this one enough but here it is: What about the other characters?? Like Shino - you've got Kiba and (finally!! :P) Hinata. It would be cool to see him in relationship with the other two, since it's easy to set Hinata as Kiba's love interest but Shino?? With Kiba's current outgoing personality, how would a reserved Shino fit into the picture?

Since I'm writing too damn much for each character I'll seperate each:
~Lee? Personally, I'd think it would be cool to see him and Sakura get together because the two make an awfully funny couple... but hey that's your call.

~Temari? Konkoro? Since you do have Gaara in there, it would be cool to have these two some what mentioned - especially Konkuro who's barely mentioned anywhere but Temari would add to your girl count. Then again just slapping any character, male/female into the story is more degrading than not mentionning them.

~Ino? Not that I'd think she'd contribute much as far as being Sakura's friend and some one's potential love interest... unless you wanted to make her fight with Lee over Sakura... but perhaps that would alter her core personality too much (sorry, ranting)

~Choji? I could totally see him working in a cafeteria somewhere and munching here and there when his manager(s) wasn't looking...

~Shikamaru? My FAV character - so I'm biased when it comes to him but I'd love to see him pop in some where. Like being a Teacher's assistant of some sort!!

Ok I've gotten out of hand. I'm stopping here before I go on anymore wild tangents. ... (My friend, Ash,( HELLO^^ love your story and made Amy read it!!) just snickered at me for writing this review for so damn long.)
~Do you plan on having an already set gay or lesbian couple? (that was a total random question...)

I know by now you probably want me to stop asking all these @#$*&%!! questions or just quit while I'm ahead but it's 1:25 in the morning and I feel like I'm on a roll... so please excuse the rambling... ramble: I feel like I'm making up for the other one liner mania...

~The way chibi characters embody the inner thoughts of the characters is AWESOME!!

~I about shat in my pants when you had Lee and Naruto going out. Did I mention my middle name is Gullible? Major points for April Fools prank, Naruto would be proud.

Tada!! The review is done I've got a headache coming on and should be studing but this review is done. DONE. DONE. la di da done
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From WhiteLiger on April 26, 2005
Okay...let me think here for a moment on constructive critisism...
Well I do have to say I do really enjoy your style of writing it really does have me curious the way you suggest a theme and leave it unsettled to poke away at your brain. I have been thinking about it for the past several days since I just started this fiction.

Regardless. I am thinking...Perhaps that you introduce ideas a little to early and leave things hanging a little to long. Though maybe that is just my anxiousness hanging to me there. I really want to know what happens >.
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From ANON - rainbird on April 26, 2005
I think you should explain more of Sasuke's affection toward Naruto...like how he feels about it and how he dealt with it when he first realized it...I think it would make the story stronger.
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From ANON - Stranj100 on April 26, 2005
First off, I'm enjoying this fic. Some of the characters seem a little OOC, particularly Sasuke and Neji, but I think it's O.K. because this an AU fic and it fits with the story and it's consistent. Naruto mysterious behaviour has got me curious. The pact between the the three boys is definately an interresting plot device. I'm looking forward to seeing how it plays out. I hope this is what you were looking for. I look forward to the next installment.
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From aiimeru on April 25, 2005
*blushes* sorry, sometimes when i review i really just want you to continue the story. I don't really have anything to complain about, you have beautiful writting. You have no mistakes at all (I have suuu much in my writting) I still loove how you place the personalities, they all do seem more mature. I also like how you have Kiba and Hinata as a potential couple, they do seem good for each other. At first i was a bit iffy about this story, mainly because it was a Yaoi. But i really like it, so please please please pleaaaaassse! Update soon k?
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From ANON - Annevanilla on April 25, 2005
First of all, I will go about praising your story because it is absolutely original in it's take of the "everyone wants Naruto" storyline. You don't succumb to convention and are willing to make multiple twists in your stories such as having Neiji have his own wager with Naruto before engaging him in the bet with Sasuke and Gaara. I too like the take on Naruto's characterization, I think it's accurate as to how he would be if he did grow up with a parental figure in his childhood. I love your story, I support it, and that's why as an avid fanfiction reader, rare reviewer and nonwriter (I'm stupidly lazy) -- and because of the last two adjectives you have every right to ignore the following -- I'm going to give this criticism right now so that, hopefully, you can employ it in the future.

You're advanced in your writing. You don't make many junior mistakes such as overly explaining what characters are wearing, or awkwardly detailing how characters move so that we know exactly what position they're in when the delightfully nasty parts occur. The only thing that has bothered me, thus far, in your story is the dream sequence. A cheap device that new or not very good fanfiction writers use are landmarks that state "Flashback here!" or "Dream sequence coming!" and then rope off the dream or flashback sequence in the same manner, just to be sure that the reader gets it. Trust your audience. We can tell the difference between fantasy sequences and real time events if you use smoother transitions such as "Naruto's eyes drooped close. Iruka's voice faded away and Naruto suddenly wondered why he was standing on a sandy beach. He was in English lit, wasn't he?"

I completely just made that last example up, so it's not based on your story or anyone else's, but you see what I mean? Even if you want to separate fantasy sequences from the rest of the story by having the fantasy in italics, you aren't throwing up billboards and road signs telling the reader these sequences are coming. Those landmarks break up the flow of your story. Also don't be afraid to disrupt the fantasy sequence and have the character wake up before the sequence completely wraps up. How many of us actually finish our dreams? :)

Holy crap, I've written a novel. Ah well, it had to be done. I had actually read your latest chapter the day you posted it and wanted to review it ever since. But like I said, I don't review much and I feel like a hypocrite for doing it now. Feel free to email me if you appreciate/ hate my advice. But you have a great story on your hands. Good luck and I'm frothing at the mouth for your every update.
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From ANON - Aurum on April 25, 2005
I notice that the writers who want to improve are the best ones =)

I spent a while converting inches to centimetres [I just can't adapt to the other system ^^;] and whoa, Naruto's tall... Not as high as one of my classmates, but still ;D I think you know that already, but I love your Naruto. First he's cutely oblivious [though not really], then he's smart, and he's tall too. And practically a hero [Kibaaa, you klutz... you should hail him as your god! ^^]. And damn lucky... I find it totally cute that he considers Sasuke's opinion on things he does. The only thing I don't like about him is that he clearly doesn't need anymore groupies... *sigh*

The three rivals are so silly, placing a bet on Naruto's feelings... They'd be cute if they weren't scary ^^; I hope they won't end up hurting him [that dream really got me disturbed...]. But since they swore not to touch him [more like not to _kiss_ him only, though; does other touching count? XD] I guess he's at least physically safe. Can't wait for the weekend!

=*
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