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Reviews for His Pebbled Bed (tenative title)

By : lilrenaChan
  • From ANON - blisblop on January 17, 2005
    You have a pretty way with words.
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  • From ANON - anonymous on November 30, 2004
    i tink its a good start but instead of putting a prologue u mite as well rite a chapter, cuz i was dissappointed wen u left me hanging.....
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  • From ANON - koyote on November 29, 2004
    Constructive criticism eh?

    First you use waaay too many personal pronouns. Five I's in one sentence is majorly overdoing it. Try to cut down on those.
    Keep an eye on your tenses too. "I dreaded and yearn these " dreaded = past tense, yearn = present. Try "I dreaded and yearned for those inbetween moments"
    Pebbled ground. Pebbled bed. Repetition. Choose one. My vote goes for ground.
    Get rid of the cliches. Ebony hair, fanning, iron clad. English has one of the largest vocabularies of any language. There's no excuse for anyone to write a cliche.
    Practice economy of phrasing. "All of his body parts are still intact and his skin left unblemished" vs "his body intact and skin unblemished". You're padding your sentences. Get rid of anything that's unnecessary.
    Make sure to read over your own work! "far stronger them words", You mean than instead of them. This is a simple mistake that you should have caught. It's not a very long piece, there's no reason to miss basic mistakes like that.
    Anywayz, lol, plz, fav... Quit it with the chatspeak. I know I'm not the only person that finds it annoying. In fact there was a story written on ff.net parodying it and every other annoying thing that online writers do (like authors comments in the middle of a story)

    I hope this is what you're looking for. Don't take my comments personally; they're aimed at helping you improve your writing and nothing else. I'm actually surprised at how good your writing is for a first timer. Revise and keep it up!
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  • From ANON - Rhenoah on November 29, 2004
    Ahhhh, that's cute. It makes me cry internally. And it's actually pretty good for a first try. Usually the shortness of it all would annoy the hell out of me, but it really wouldn't of worked any other way. It was perfect, and I want to print it out and put it on my wall, maybe draw a picture to it. It really is good. Please right some more, you have talent.
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