Reviews for Shogi Anyone?

BY : Shortcake


  • From BigE2955 on June 11, 2018

    Alright, so, first chapter.

    Not terrible. Not good either, but this being your first story and all easily excuses that.

    Now, the plot behind this chapter is simple and to the point. No need for subtle foreshadowing -- you go right in, say what's going on, say what's going to happen, and that's that. This can be a good thing and a bad thing, but for the purposes of the story it's a good thing. Being direct in this story was a good approach.

    There were a few good points. I always enjoy seeing Naruto and Sakura, Sakura and Tsunade interacting. I particularly enjoyed the shortness of the chapter -- you didn't feel the need to extend something beyond what it needed to be, and that's good too. Genma being a bit of a perv at the end of the chapter made me chuckle too.

    But... there were problems. And I think it's best I point them out. For now, I'll restrict this section to four points I think need calling out.

    - Your dialogue can feel a little stiff at times. It doesn't... flow. And I think the profanity some of your characters use at times can come off as somewhat OOC as well.

    - Oddly placed/odd sentences. Sentences like: Much as she loved her brother from another mother. These can feel very out of place in a story, and I would advise avoiding them. It made me do a doubletake when I read it.

    -  Capitalization and spelling. This is a biggie. There's points where you capitalize 'Hokage' and points where you don't. Sometimes you said 'Sand' and sometimes you said 'Suna.' Sometimes you wrote 'shishou' and other times you wrote 'Shishou'. You get the idea; find a uniform way to spell these words. Consistency is important.

    - Odd punctuation. Odd as in... missing commas. Overuse of '?!?' at the end of sentences. Too many commas at times.

    Of course, this is the first chapter, and there's 32 more and it's been quite a while since you posted this. Perhaps you've fixed some of these problems... I don't know. Regardless, this first chapter isn't that bad. I'm glad you decided to continue this.



    Report Review


  • From kinda_adorkable on May 03, 2018

    A great start to an interesting concept. I've never read a Sakura/Gaara story before, so I'm excited to see what's in store for our pink-haired, knuckle-popping, quick-to-violence protagonist!

    "Brother from another mother." I haven't heard that in so long! Lol.

    I'm getting some pretty bad vibes from fuckboy Genma! Leering at Sakura-chan like that!

    In all seriousness, though, your sentence structure is more than acceptable and your grasp of punctuation and grammar are, thankfully, well polished. And the characterization of Sakura is perfect. OOC-ness can be very irritating at times (insert cracking knuckle sounds here).

    Great job!



    Report Review