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Reviews for Fate

By : choujinsan
  • From ANON - ochiba on September 29, 2004
    It's a cute start! I love Naruto high school fics *^o^* and my favorite pairing is SasuNaru/NaruSasu so you've got all the elements here to make this fic a pearl for me! Umm... your Japanese is a little 可笑しい (okashii --i.e., strange) though. It's fangirlnese. Maybe it would be better to just let the characters speak in English ^_^;; It's just that the way you have them speaking kinda makes them OOC, it's as though they can't really speak Japanese. In Naruto's case where he says 私(watashi) as opposed to 俺(ore) he's speaking Japanese like a polite girl... ^_^;; Naruto would never refer to himself like that in the series, so unless you want him to be wimpy and polite and OOC, you'd need to change that. And the 元気　(genki) comment doesn't apply to the question. "How are you?" 元気だ。("I'm fine." i.e., in a good mood)" He would most likely just answer "Are you all right?" with 大丈夫だ (daijoubu da.) ("I'm fine." i.e., I'm all right.). Also, 喋る (shaberu) would be more appropriate than 話す (hanasu) in your conversation. These are natural Japanese speakers so they would be using the more commonly used "shaberu." Sasuke would've said, そうか (sou ka) as opposed to your 'so de' ::giggles:: --or he might have just stared and said nothing ::Sasuke-bastard LUFF *^o^*:: Anyway, I don't want to pick apart your Japanese, but I do think it messes up your fic (T~T) and your fic has a lot of potential without being bogged down by it! Fangirlnese is just one of those languages that can either make or break a fic, so I highly recommend that when in doubt... leave it out! Just my opinion ^_^;; I look forward to an update, hopefully with either less fangirlneses or correct Japanese.
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